How strict are you with your toddler/child?

[greygira]

I am 23F with no children but I regularly look after my niece (4F).
My brother has made comments that I am way too strict with her, and that I wouldn't make a good mother because of this (said in a jokey way).

I would say I am firm and have high expectations for her behavior (whilst acknowledging she is only little), but I do not think I am too strict. I have only ever shouted at her a few times as I try to talk to her instead and find out why she has misbehaved, whereas he will ignore her being naughty until he gets extremely irritated and ends up shouting.

I do put her to bed by 7.30-8pm, I allow her some junk food but not a lot, and I follow through with what I say i.e. 'one last go on the slide then we're heading home', whereas he will say this and then let her continue to play. He says I am too 'mean' with her for taking her home after I have given a warning that we will be leaving soon.

I know I am not a parent and I do not have to deal with the stress that comes with that, so I'm sure I'd struggle a lot more if I was always sleep-deprived and had my niece all the time. However, I still take issue with the fact that he thinks I'm too strict/mean.

What do you think? How strict are you with your toddlers/children?

Too vague. What’s she actually doing and what’s your response

If he doesn’t like how you look after her then he doesn’t have to ask you to look after her, he can find a paid babysitter instead!
Tbh it doesn’t sound like you are overly strict but it’s hard to judge on an online forum.

You're going to get replies from people who are overly strict to overly lenient so I'm not sure what you're hoping to gain from asking people this.

I think he's a bit cheeky to comment on how you'd be as a parent. If he wants to talk to you about how you treat his child then he should do just that.

Some examples are:

She was singing at the top of her lungs for a while, and after 5 minutes I asked her to sing a bit more quietly. He said this was harsh

She was crying about having too many vegetables on her plate for dinner, so I told her she can eat as much or as little as she likes, but he said I should’ve taken the vegetables off to stop her being upset

She asked for chocolate when she woke up and I told her to wait until lunch time. He didn’t directly say this was mean, but he did say he’d give her chocolate at any time

I do want to clarify that most of the time I spend with her is pleasant 😂

If all these happen with him being there I wouldn't make any comments, and let the actual parent to correct the behaviour (besides the singing one, but it's just me hating sounds, I usally say 'beautiful song, thank you very much, that's quite enough now'). If parent wasn't there I don't find that to strict/mean at all

Exactly what @Rakszasa just said - I’m pretty much the same as you with my almost 4 year old. I’d probably let her away with the singing but say similar to Rakszasa if it got super annoying.

If he was there(and it sounds like he was) then why are you parenting his child in front of him? If he wasn’t there, why are you even telling him these minor non events?
It sounds like you just want us to say what a rubbish parent he is. We were all perfect parents until we had our own children.

You sound spot on to be honest and he sounds like a Disney dad. He’s setting himself up for problems. How much parenting does he actually do at home?

Toddlers and preschoolers do need boundaries and they depend on adults to enforce them so they feel safe and secure from the structure.

I don’t buy into rules for the sake of them but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’re doing either.

Its so good that the child has you, when she’s older you might find her coming to you with things as she knows she can depend on you.

Did you miss the part where OP said she is 23? Presumably she is trying to find her balance and learn. She hasn’t given birth but she’s a caregiver to a child. It’s good to question things when in that role.

If you tell a child they have one more go and then let them carry on for ages, that is a very confusing message to send the child.

I don't think strict/ not strict is the issue so much as being clear and following through on what you say.

Your approach sounds better in that sense.

However, it's probably not going to have much impact on the child's behaviour overall, because her dad is the one who is there all the time.

He was present for the singing, and I waited a while for him to tell her to be quiet but he didn’t, so I felt comfortable asking her to be quiet

For the other two stories, I was looking after her while he was working from home, so I was in charge of her. In both situations, he walked in while I was dealing with her and commented on the approach

The goal wasn’t to have everyone say he’s a rubbish parent. He’s the one who made a comment on my (future) parenting, not the other way around

And have you missed the parts where she points out her brothers rubbish (in her mind) failings?! She obviously thinks he is a rubbish parent and wants everyone here to agree and say how amazing she is! She knows she isn’t being too strict or else her brother wouldn’t ask her to look after the child anymore,
As I say everyone thinks they are a perfect parent until they are actually parenting a child 24/7, babysitting a niece is very different! I was an early years worked, very experienced with children but having your own is a whole different ball game.

I don’t believe that my brother would stop asking for help as a result of me being too strict. I’m providing him with free childcare that he wouldn’t get anywhere else.

I don’t think I’m perfect at looking after her - I know I get frustrated with her too easily sometimes, for example. You’re assuming that I think he’s a terrible parent and I don’t.

Also, it’s not just a case of babysitting for the day. I’ve looked after her for up to a week. I’m aware that this is nothing compared to parenting, which is what I pointed out in my first post.

Where is this child’s mother?

They both work full time but he works from home.

The important thing it to give her lots of positive attention and love. Give her warnings when you have to leave and if you say something then you do it.

Shouting isn’t great but we’ve all been there. Being inconsistent and shouting is way worse. Also giving a kid loads of junk food and chocolate is going to make her hyper, irritable and feel sick.