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Original poster

Can I stop ex partner taking my child if I were to die

26 replies

Jduxhhx · 12/10/2022 12:43

Sorry if this is a silly question.

I have a young DD with my ex partner.
he was emotionally abusive to me in the relationship which is why I left.
he sees DD every other weekend and I don't think he's a good dad. E.g doesn't brush her teeth, doesn't brush her hair, no proper meals just snacks, sits her in front of tv all day instead of doing anything

I am currently writing my will. If something were to happen to me, can I say in my will that she would go and live with someone else like my brother instead of her dad? I don't believe she would be properly cared for if he had her full time. He also doesn't have his own place, just rents a room so she wouldn't even have a bedroom

OP posts:
whosaidtha · 12/10/2022 12:46

Would he want her full time? Perhaps he'd be happy for your brother to have her and continue his weekend contact?

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 12:46

You can put what you like but it will be decided by an outside agency I'm afraid

And if he asks, he has PR so will get her. Sorry

Unless as find something wrong with him, too much tv and hair not brushed won't be enough

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 12:46

What's your brothers set up?

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Suzi888 · 12/10/2022 12:47

Does he have parental responsibility? Is he named on the birth cert?

AquaticSewingMachine · 12/10/2022 12:50

As PP say, you can lay out your wishes but unless he actively doesn't want her care, he is legally her parent and would go to him in the event something happened to you. What you describe may not be optimal parenting, but it's way below the threshold for intervention.

Original poster
Jduxhhx · 12/10/2022 12:50

Yes he has parental responsibility and is on the birth certificate

OP posts:
Original poster
Jduxhhx · 12/10/2022 12:55

ThatGirlInACountrySong - my brother owns his flat, lives with long term gf. Both of them very active in DD's life. Both of them work so financially could take on the commitment, they also have a spare bedroom so DD would have her own room.
On paper is the better option as her dad rents a room, has unstable income but obviously he is her father

OP posts:
DarkShade · 12/10/2022 12:58

If I were you I would discuss this with your brother and his family. If they are willing, ask them to promise you that in the event of your death, they will offer to have her full time / split custody with your ex. It sounds like your ex might want this anyway. Set up your will so that on the condition that this is the arrangement, money goes to your brother for her upkeep.

gogohmm · 12/10/2022 13:03

You can state your preference but ultimately the state can make the decision. If her father wants to look after her then unless there's a safeguarding concern they will back him

Dogtooth · 12/10/2022 13:07

Your best bet is to stay alive :)

Queuesarasarah · 12/10/2022 13:10

Write all your concerns and reasons. A court appointed specialist would make an accessment. The default is up ur ex would get her 100%. You increase (the slim) chance that they would rule in your favour if you’ve listed concerns. Ultimately it will be up to a judge.

BingoLingFucker · 12/10/2022 13:10

Possibly a stupid question, but would there be a way to legally give your brother (if he agreed to it) parental responsibility so if it came to it there’d be something legal to stop your ex having full custody?

BuffaloCauliflower · 12/10/2022 13:10

You should have life insurance that would support your daughter in the event of your death, if she did go to your brother he shouldn’t have to shoulder that entire cost.

You can stipulate your brother, but if her dad wants her full time in that event it would be hard to prevent that.

sevenbyseven · 12/10/2022 13:14

I know someone who went to court in this situation and was awarded custody of her niece, despite the father wanting her to live with him. Going to the father would have meant completely uprooting life, school, friends, etc whereas aunt lived nearby and could offer continuity and stability. So it's not always a given.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2022 13:17

Basically no. If he has parental responsibility, no record of abuse or neglect towards her, and he wants her to live with him, you can't decide otherwise because he lets her watch too much TV and doesn't brush her teeth. The fact that he has her on weekends suggests there are no significant concerns.

Lonelykettleshed · 12/10/2022 13:24

You need proper legal advice on this rather than opinions from a forum. Good luck with getting the resolution that you want.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/10/2022 13:28

You need legal advice. A friend of mine had that fear and she ending up putting all her money in trust For the child with her sister as the trustee. So the father could get physical possession of the child but he would not have any funds or inheritance with which to support her onless the trrustee released it. After six monthe the father returned the child to her aunt and settled for visitation during school breaks because he was unwilling to spend his money.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 12/10/2022 13:33

BuffaloCauliflower · 12/10/2022 13:10

You should have life insurance that would support your daughter in the event of your death, if she did go to your brother he shouldn’t have to shoulder that entire cost.

You can stipulate your brother, but if her dad wants her full time in that event it would be hard to prevent that.

That money could also be used by the ex to secure better housing as the op seems fixed on brother owns/ex rents as being the desirable set up

LavenderfortheBees · 12/10/2022 13:48

Speak to your brother and get his agreement.

Get life insurance and set up any inheritance due your daughter into a trust with your brother or another trustee family member as trustee.

Write a will setting out your wishes and the reasons for them. Get it witnessed and lodge copies with family members.

Document the relationship between your daughter and brother - this can be through Facebook pics etc so nothing out of the ordinary.

These steps will help in any state decision making over custody but are not a guarantee.

thepurplewhisperer · 12/10/2022 13:48

You can appoint a guardian in the event of your death. They will be able to act in the child's best interests within limitations.

Ultimately your ExH has the final say in anything pertaining to their child. The guardian must get permission from the surviving parent to act.

Can you get a free half hour with a solicitor to ask questions? I'm not sure there is a way around this.

A parent will always have more leverage than a guardian or relative.

2bazookas · 12/10/2022 13:49

Its hard to prevent a remaining parent obtaining custody .

But you could make DC a less less attractive proposition to ex by writing a WILL, leaving everything you own to your brother.

Goldbar · 12/10/2022 13:50

Decisions like this are made in the best interests of the child. The father doesn't have an automatic right to care of the child...it's just that usually it would be in the child's best interests to live with and be brought up by their other parent. If there is evidence that this is not the case, the court will take it into account (even if the father has PR). Have a look at the Re E-R case from a few years ago... the mother's friends were given care of the child after her death from cancer rather than the father as that was considered in the child's interests. Having said that, I wouldn't have thought that financial reasons/inadequate housing would prevent your ex getting care - instead he'd be a priority for housing from the council and would be entitled to benefits to support his child.

Invisableperson · 12/10/2022 14:04

As far as I understand it, you can nominate someone else to take on your parental responsibility but that only means they have a 50% say in her upbringing, not where she resides

endofthelinefinally · 12/10/2022 14:14

GeorgiaGirl52 · 12/10/2022 13:28

You need legal advice. A friend of mine had that fear and she ending up putting all her money in trust For the child with her sister as the trustee. So the father could get physical possession of the child but he would not have any funds or inheritance with which to support her onless the trrustee released it. After six monthe the father returned the child to her aunt and settled for visitation during school breaks because he was unwilling to spend his money.

This is what I was going to suggest. Everything in trust for child and brother as executor. Much safer, but obviously discuss everything with brother first.

endofthelinefinally · 12/10/2022 14:16

Make sure your child spends lots of time with your brother. After the age of about 12, a child's feelings and choices are taken into account by a judge.

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