Three-nagers...WTAF?!!!

[Mamabear04]

Can someone give me advice as to deal with a 3yo? She was such a great toddler but all of a sudden has started having all out tantrums, refusing to do things even when she wants to ie get ready to leave the house, constantly doesn't listen, says "I don't want to!" 3638844 times a day and "doesn't want to do anything!"

I am honestly at my wits end. Up until now I've had her home with me 3 days a week and my parents take her 2 days. I'm going to see about putting her in nursery 2 mornings a week to begin with because I actually can't cope with her and looking after a baby too (baby is 3mo and she has gone through all stages of a new sibling). I feel like I've completely let her down and somehow her behaviour is a reflection of me not being able to provide enough stimulation and attention. Please be kind with your comments! I've cried for about half an hour after I had to put DD down for a nap because she couldn't calm down.

It's normal and just a phase. I have a threenager too. Didn't have terrible twos. I'd say we had three really bad weeks and noes he's settled down a bit but he definitely wants more independence.
Offer choices throughout the day. Whether it's clothes or choice of cereal etc.
Get her involved in helping around the house, they feel important doing it and like tasks. My son sweeps up and helps hoover. He likes to pour his own milk from a jug etc

In situations where they just have to do whatever it is your asking you just have to hold your ground, don't get into conversations, just make your statement and repeat, repeat, repeat.

They are just going through a burst of growing their minds really.

Also you have done so well looking after two. I've been off on maternity for a year and I still kept my son in nursery/childcare 5 days a week as I couldn't cope with two at home.
So bloody good on you!

SOLIDARITY! My 3.5yo boy has become an absolute horror, up until a few months ago we'd never had a tantrum in his life and now he sometimes has multiple tantrums a day. Turns into an ironing board so I can't get him in the car seat, lays on the pavement screaming because we can't live at the soft play and actually have to go home at some point. I said to my husband I feel like I can't even take him anywhere anymore because it's such a colossal kickoff whenever we have to leave. Last week, we had a screaming tantrum because "(baby brothers name) IS WALKING 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭"

I've found the only thing that calms him sometimes is trying to distract him with things I know he's interested in. If I have to get him dressed and he's giving off, I say to him "now what colour socks are you going to wear today" or "what snacks are you going to get at toddler class today" or basically anything related to numbers as that's his latest thing. "What number house does Taylor live at" and he's normally distracted enough to let me do what I need to do.

Other than that, wine. And time. We're all in this together girl

Thanks for your replies everyone. Its nice to know I'm not in this alone. I'm actually struggling so much today. DD has been having an uncontrollable tantrums now for the past 2 hours. On top of that she keeps screaming and upsetting the baby and I just don't know how to deal with it. It's honestly breaking me and I just don't know how to handle DD anymore. I feel so incredibly guilty because her behaviour is making me dred spending time with her. I just don't enjoy it anymore and I feel so sad about it and I feel like I'm failing her 😞

Are you keeping her involved in stuff?
What about giving her a job to do like fill up a small bucket of weeds. Or fill up a sink with bubbly soapy water and get her to wash her toys in it or something whilst you are dealing with baby.

Also did you see about nursery? Honestly I'd just put her in two full days or more than two mornings like you suggest. The morning fkys by and I think you need some time just you and baby to a) bond without another littlekme running around and b) to have enough time to get organised
Plus she will see other children's behaviour at nursery and start mimicking that. Children do well with structure and firm boundaries that nursery can give

We've just come out the other side of this. Lasted from about 2 weeks before her third birthday, for about two months.

Screaming and screaming, awful bedtimes. Huge tantrums, despite never having them before. Constantly rejecting all choices she was given (screaming that she didn't want ANYTHING).

It was awful - I was at my wit's end. I don't think we did much differently tbh. But it did end. You will get there!

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy I try to get her to do things all the time but the problem is she always wants to do them with me, she will hardly play by herself. This is why I think she needs to go to nursery now, to have that attention/learn to play more independently. I was speaking to OH about it and he thinks it's partially to do with covid and spending almost 14 months just the three of us (OH still works from home 4 days a week) we had to be very careful as OH was high risk and although we saw people, it wasn't a normal start to life. I guess she's also processing she's not the center of attention like all toddlers have to go through.
DD was sick all last week with a bad fever and is still not 100% so we're only going to go and see the perspective nursery on Friday. Will see about their availability then. I was hoping maybe they could even take her 3 half days and she could still go to my parents one day a week or maybe they could take her more often for sleepovers. I'm just finding it so tough with her right now.

@CastleTower that sounds so familiar! DD often "don't want to do nothing!" But constantly asks to do "something different" but nothing is ever good enough. How did you cope? It's so hopefully to hear your LO made it through!

Sharing your pain! But only partially. Mine are in nursery and it's godsent. Honestly if you can afford this, go for it. It's amazing the change it makes to your relationship with the kids.
Gives you a break, gives them stimulation. Mine are 3 and 18m and yes it's not easy (although not frustratingly horrible, yet...). And I think it's largely due to the nursery element.
You are not failing them, or your DD. She is learning to figure out her big feelings, and all she needs to know is that she is seen, heard, acknowledged, she can be who she wants to be and is still loved unconditionally (even if it requires a bottle of wine at 10pm for mummy). You are doing great, giving her choices and setting boundaries with love, she will feel safe once she learns how to manage her emotions. And let's be fair, many of us in 30s and 40s and 50s still have trouble with that!

@ZooKeeper19 I think she is really ready for nursery. Her free funding will kick in January so I'm counting down the days. You are so true in what you say re being loved unconditionally etc but it's just hard to keep this in mind when she's battering me with her emotions. It honestly feels relentless at the moment. I just feel so tired and ground down by it.

Solidarity! I have a very difficult DD! Same as you she has a baby sibling too and it’s hard!
Mine is not three yet but has been SUCH HARD WORK since 18 months old. She also screams “I don’t want to!!” (Her favourite phrase) and will scream and cry over the smallest things and has now started to push, hit, bite 😱
The worst is when I am trying to put baby to sleep and she will come in and wake the baby! She’s a very clingy toddler though being a lockdown baby and basically wants me all the time, which I would love if I didn’t have a job and another baby lol!
So I feel you! It’s not a reflection of your parenting (at least I hope not) it’s just children testing the boundaries, and trying to regulate their emotions.

What I would suggest is pick your battles!! If she wants to eat her yoghurt with a fork or wants her Christmas jumper on in July, just go with it 😂!
I have also found the tantrums pass much quicker if you remain calm, acknowledge the feeling - “I get it, you’re really upset because I won’t let you have biscuits for breakfast” and just let them cry it out.
I find when I am stressed and get stressed at her it just ends in a shouting match and gets us nowhere and we both end up in tears. I feel awful for the baby being in this environment where her sister is screaming 80% of the day so I’m hoping it will pass soon!!

Definitely nursery when you can. Life-changing.

We have a 3.25 year old and are right in this. When all else fails I try to find it a bit comical, like thinking to myself how I would write this particular tantrum up for a mumlit novel or giving him a score out of 10.

Yesterday I ended up shouting at him 'who is the mummy and who is the boy?'

He shouted back 'I AM THE MUMMY AND YOU ARE THE BOY'. Then he told me to 'go to work'.

Honestly, I was so impressed. And the best thing about it is how he starts gigglin

*g when I do.