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My own parents - after birth

8 replies

Jane2711 · 12/10/2022 10:26

Hi,

I posted a thread about my in laws a few months back. Things are better, but I’m now having issues with my own parents. Yesterday, I was at my mums and took my 6 month old and my dog. It started off with my mum feeding the dog hot dogs, I asked her not to and said it makes him unwell and she just shoved the hot dog in his mouth anyway. She then is holding my son, I asked for him back, and she hugs him tighter and said no? After the situation with the in laws, I just took him back and said I’m nipping this in the bud. I go into the kitchen and I see cold and flu tablets, I ask my mum who they’re for, as I asked nobody to go round my son unwell if they know they are unwell. She said she just got them on the sale for 50p and stocking up over winter. I said tell me the truth and she said your brother isn’t well and asked me to get tablets, my brother is in the house and was holding my son the day before (he still lives there). I said to my mum I was leaving and she follows me outside and she said ‘see you in 2 weeks then when we’re all better!’ And I said to her I won’t be seeing her for a long time. She then texts me saying ‘ever heard of an immune system ffs?’ Called me a ‘vindictive bitch’ and ‘see you in the spring’ and ‘you can go to hell’. My brother then texts me and said I’ve made everything worse by saying I won’t see her for a while. My dad phoned me and said ‘I hope he gets the cold!’ And things like this don’t bother him.

im annoyed because my mum lied to my face? She said they were 50p and she was stocking up? I’m annoyed that I asked all my family at the start please stay away if you’re sick. Baby was premature, spent 2 weeks in special care. My dad told my my mum didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to me to worry. They are totally missing the point and none of us have spoken since.

i feel like she constantly tries to wind me up / gets under my skin, especially with the hot dog situation, not giving DS son back, always telling me that my parenting style is wrong (she told me not to pick DS up when he’s crying as he knows what he’s doing). I told her babies don’t have the mental capacity to manipulate, he needs me and crying is his way of communicating.

currently weaning breast feeding and she said ‘when are you giving this up?’ I don’t want to give it up, but my supply has dropped. All my family tell me it’s time for formula it’s been 6 months, he doesn’t need breast milk anymore.

its been like this for as long as I can remember, even before my son. My partner has told me that my mum genuinely looks annoyed whenever I walk into a room - is this normal?

They were so supportive when he was just born.

not really sure what I’m looking for with this thread - opinions I guess?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Jane2711 · 12/10/2022 10:30

I just want to add I know my baby will catch the cold and everything, he starts nursery in a few months. It’s more RSV season / avoiding it if it’s preventable, because he’s so small, and he’s rough start in life I take extra precautions.

OP posts:
cathycake · 12/10/2022 10:32

I sympathise OP
My mum was toxic with me and when she started being toxic towards my children I nipped it in the bud.

It was years before I saw her again and we healed then

its up to you to break the cycle and do whats right for you. You sound an amazing mum and re breast feeding you can wean when you need to.

Surround yourself with the people who care and love you not people who want to bully or control you

cathycake · 12/10/2022 10:33

Just had a memory of my mum being disgusted that I was breastfeeding and asked me if “I was poor?”

Make your own happy new memories

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ChillysWaterBottle · 12/10/2022 10:37

They sound awful OP. I have no useful advice but I'm really sorry. I hope you know you're not being unreasonable and their behaviour is really off.

Auntieobem · 12/10/2022 10:41

If my mum ever called me a bitch and told me to go to hell I'd cut contact with her.

Herejustforthisone · 12/10/2022 11:01

Wait, your dad wished the illness on your son? What the fuck?

Your whole family sound like a bunch of cunts. Don’t bother with them. They’ll only damage you.

Allthecoloursoftherainbow · 12/10/2022 11:25

I'm sorry OP. I have also been on the end of unwarranted abusive messages from my mother. It sounds like you would benefit from no contact however if that's not possible try searching for 'grey rock' method. I cannot cut contact but I use this method when I'm with her now to avoid escalating situations as you have described.

As an aside, and I mean this kindly, at 6 months your baby is much more robust and exposure to some illness is not the worst thing in the world. When they start at school or a childcare setting there will be no avoiding it! However I do appreciate that you set a boundary with your family (don't visit if sick) and she lied to you. Which is obviously not ok.

Endlesslaundry123 · 12/10/2022 11:36

Your mum sounds really toxic and your family sound like they're enabling her. IF you want to maintain a relationship you'll need very strong boundaries.

With someone like that, I wouldn't even bother explaining the boundaries, I would avoid the drama. Like, you don't want sick people around your baby, but she's obviously not going to be honest with you about that, and she's not able to be mature about it when you enforce the boundary. So, if you suspect illness, "oh I forgot we have an appointment -- gotta run". Or, if she's not giving you the baby back, or feeding your dog hot dogs, same thing "oops forgot I have to get groceries for dinner, see you later!". Do NOT be goaded into arguments or drama with her as that's what she wants. Grey rock, never ever explain, and keep your boundaries but don't expect her to agree with them/get on your side (ever!). Emotionally immature people just won't get it and you'll be wasting your time.

Spend time researching the "grey rock" method and learning how to set good boundaries.

Good luck!

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