not sure why i am posting this. i guess i just need to have it read by someone! i am too scared to send it to my abuser directly. maybe no one will read it maybe he will. what ever happens i have it out there now in the big wide web and not ratteling around in my head and for the first time i feel free. if you find this and read it to then end thank you for hanging in there with me! thank you for helping to free me!
Dear you!
Another family function another moment that I am pushed away. Why do you make things so awkward? Why do you have to create an atmosphere? Regardless of your reasons we are connected, and you cannot change that no matter how you respond!
Do you act out like this because you feel guilt over the past? Do you look over at your grandchildren and think of the fear you caused in us at that very same age? Or do you think of me standing up and speaking out? Do you think of how you escaped a criminal record and how others viewed you?
I don’t know why I am writing you this letter I don’t even know if you will get to read this, if I even have the courage to send it, I want you to know I forgive you! I can't hold that hate in my heart anymore. For so long it controlled me. You didn’t control me anymore but that hate, and fear did. I struggled to trust people and I couldn’t move past it. Right now, I let it all go and I forgive you!
Do you remember when you first met me? I was only 18months old when you met me, so I don’t remember. did you look at that little baby me and instantly hate me or did that hate to build up over time. Did you resent me because I wasn’t your child? Did you find it tough being a father? Or was it hard Rasing another man's child? What were your reasons?
I don’t remember the first time you hit me, but I do remember the first time you made me feel fear. It was one of those nights mum was at work. You downstairs playing on the whatever computer devise you had at the time. My baby sister, your real daughter, wouldn’t stop crying. I guess you was frustrated you didn’t know what to do. I must have been about five. I remember hearing your footsteps up the stairs I remember burying my head under the covers pretending to be asleep scared of what was to come next. The door flung open you never said a word. The covers flew back I started to cry you grabbed me by the hair throwing me across the room hitting my face into my dolls cot I had at the end of the bed. “Fucking sort, her out” you coldly said as you walked out the room. I heard the front door slam and then realized you had left the house.it was then I noticed the blood coming from my nose. I suffered nose bleeds from that moment on I have only recently learnt I had a small fracture on the bridge of my nose. My brother only around 2 at the time asleep in the next room and my baby sister screaming downstairs. I went downstairs to her picking her up rocking her promising her I would never let anyone hurt her that I would protect her. I failed on that promise as I later came to find out as you had lashed out at her too when we all left. I don’t remember much else about that night, but I remember you telling me to tell people I had fallen out of bed that’s why I had a bruise across my face. I remember I never played with that doll's cot again, that night part of my childhood was taken away. I forgive you for it!
I have children of my own now they are all teenagers I know that frustration children can bring I know how in the blink of an eye things can change. You walked away, you went out, you showed some control over your anger because you stopped yourself. Do you ever look at you granddaughter now thinking of that moment? As she was around that same age. I guess I must thank you in some way because you showed me how not to be in those moments. how sometimes we need to take a breather and walk away.
Speaking of teenagers do you remember when I had my friends in the back garden to play, I was around 13. I had noticed boys and they had noticed me. I had a little boyfriend but was flirting with another local boy. You were meant to be at work you must have come home early and was watching from the kitchen window. You opened the door and called me over. As soon as I got to the kitchen you slammed the door behind me then grabbing me by the throat squeezing so tight I could hardly breath. You were so close I could feel your breath on me, your spit on my face as you spoke with such venom. You leaned in and said “never fuck about with a boy's heart” I don’t remember much else that you said as I was trying to just stay alive focusing on each breath I could take. You dropped me to the floor, looked down on me and said, “go change your top so no one sees those marks, tell them you were cold "and walked away! again I forgive you for this! I guess I must thank you in some way too. I never messed around with a boy's heart as you warned if anything I feared men! It took many hours of therapy to fully know that. To understand that someone I saw as my dad could hurt me over and over. I kept my distance from every man that was for sure but inside all I wanted was to be loved. Few dark moments in my adult life thinking of ways to end it because everyone I loved didn’t love me, caused me pain, walked away or just didn’t want me. Was there something wrong with me? Is that why no one would love me? That cycle of abuse happened repeatedly with new relationships till my now husband anyway. You would like him, he is kind and understanding he protects me, he holds me and never hurts me but most importantly he loves me and makes me feel it every single day. Remember when you used to say “no man will ever love you like I do” turns out you were right! He doesn’t love me like you did. He loves me better!
Do you remember those nights you would call me in your bed for “a cuddle” those cold nights when mum was at work. I was starting to become a woman I guess you noticed that as you asked me to wear mums' silky night dresses. You know I may have been 14 but I still remember the feeling of your penis pressed up against my leg! I remember staying so still with my back turned to you scared to move. “If anyone asks tell them you are being bullied and you couldn’t sleep” you would tell me! Mum would come back in the morning after her night shift and move me into my bed. Did she ever ask you why I was there? She never asked me! What did you tell her? If mum hadn't have walked out on you that following summer, would you have taken it further? Where would that abuse have ended? Again, I forgive you! I have protected my children so much because you. My own daughters haven't spent a night alone with my husband. He understands my reasons, he understands my fears. Other past relationships have ended because of me flinching in the night or waking up screaming. I no longer do that. Because of you it has led to the amazing man I have now so thank you.
Do you remember going to the cinema that day asking me to hold your hand? I guess I looked older than I was as I was developing faster and looked every bit a woman yet I was only around 14. Do you remember telling me “Pretend I'm your boyfriend” and laughing do you remember people's faces those odd glances and you fondling me in the queue! I remember you saying “promise me you will always love me the most” I nodded! I didn’t lie I do still love you! I miss you! I remember those happy moments I remember going to Blackpool and going on all the rollercoasters, the fun we used to have. The nights playing monopoly walks, out in the fields. The funny moments where our dog stole a whole turkey the night before Christmas, shooting water pistols out the window in the car at people and all those holidays. I keep some of those traditions with my own children. We even went to some of the same places on holiday. After all the pain I still wanted you in my life.
I remember the night I found out you wasn’t my real dad. You and mum were upstairs arguing about something as you usually did. Then I heard you shout “Shes not my own daughter anyway” I was about 9 at the time. I thought you was talking about someone else never did I think you was speaking about me. Mum took me to one side moments later and told me I had a different dad. I didn’t question it because in my mind you were my dad. It was like there was two of you. The fun you that loved me that played crash bandicoot on the PlayStation, the one that would push me higher on the swings. Then there was you who hurt me, who fractured my ankle trying to run from the house, who threw a glass at me, you that took my new clothes away and gave them to my sister because you didn’t like that mum had spent money on me instead of your real daughter. Yet I forgive you! I guess it's tough raising someone else's child. I understand your frustration when I caught headlice and your real daughter caught them of me. I know it must have been embarrassing being told by the school your daughter had them repeatedly. I wonder if you knew how to treat them would you have been so harsh. I still have the scar on the back of my head from the boiling water and remember the shame going into school the next day with a shaved head where you cut my long hair off. But I forgive you! Without those moments my own daughters wouldn’t have had their beautiful long blond hair. I have certainly saved money in hairdresser appointments as I now hate people touching my hair. I want you to know again I forgive you!
I guess I had this deep love of fairytales, the princess stuck in a tower and the prince coming to rescue her. I used to think of my bunk bed as the tower. You the evil wizard and my real dad the hero, one day coming to rescue me. Those long nights alone when mum left for work, and you went out leaving us alone. No one came to rescue me I had to rescue myself. I guess another thing to thank you for. You made me so strong and empowered me to be the woman I currently am. In turn I have raised some extraordinarily strong young women. I protected my siblings from you. Many times, being hit by you taking the blame for something they had done. I guess that’s why they love you so much they don’t remember much about the abuse. They remember the fun stuff. One night I couldn’t protect my brother and I will forever feel guilt over that. The PlayStation had broken, and you were so angry. I stood in the doorway yelling “it was me it was me” you knew I was lying you slapped me across the face and told me to stay there and went upstairs to my brother's room. Mum stood in the doorway stopping me getting to him. His screams in the room still echo in my mind. Hearing you punching him throwing him around the room.
I remember when mum left you, she said we was going to a boot sale, you were arguing over something as you usually do. We got in the car she left my brother playing PlayStation. She never looked back. Mum turned at me and said “we are leaving, and we are not going back” she asked me if to go to her lifelong friend or Nanny's house (her mum) I chose her friend. I'm not sure why I chose that way in that moment! A few weeks later mum came to me and said she was thinking of going back to you. I sobbed and begged her not to my heart thumping. In that moment of fear mums' friend noticed something and asked me why? Only in that moment did I finally speak up and tell someone of all the abuse all that I feared and how for the first time I felt safe. I had no home we were sleeping of sofas. We had no school no friends nothing, yet I felt safe from harm and free. She urged mum to call the police. They came round and questioned me. I later found out you had been arrested and questioned. I am sorry they did that to you. I sometimes think about how scared you must have been alone in that cell I didn’t want that to happen to you.
Sometime after mum found our own home and she sat down and spoke to me her words echo in my mind. She said “you grew up without a dad, you know he wouldn’t hurt your brother and sister, tell the police you made it up and drop the charges” like a good girl I did. From that moment I realized I was on my own no one genuinely cared. Mum kicked me out I went from home to home I went off the rails as you say having my first baby at 16. One ex-boyfriend listened to be and believed me, and I tried speaking to the police again yet this time they didn’t listen they didn’t care. I went from abuse to more abuse I was raped by a boyfriend and his dad yet still no one would listen. My faith in the police destroyed. You got to live your life you remarried you had two beautiful grandchildren I always had to stay hidden in the background. My brother resented me believing I was the bad person making stuff up about his dad. I am, so thankful I was able to repair that relationship with my brother and now have the most incredible little people I get to call my niece and nephew, my children's cousins whom we love and adore. Your grandchildren!
I came to understand that mum too was the abuser. She stood back knowing you were hurting her children and did nothing about it. She urged me to keep quiet. What would have happened if I didn’t? When you first held your new grandchild did you think you were lucky to be there? Did you get flash backs of all the fear you created in my life? Was I just this dark moment of your life you regret? I don’t regret you? I still long for the fun man I used to call dad back!
I survived; I may still be recovering but I forgive you I really do. Life is so short, and I choose not to be defined by your abuse anymore! There is so much I long to say but there will never be enough time and would you even care?
By you refusing to be in same room as me, by making things difficult at birthdays of your grandchildren and family events you are allowing that abuse to carry on. You are living with that guilt over and over. You are being held by your past something I choose not to be. Two people know what truly happened, me and you, I can look past it all and forgive you why can't you?