What should I do?!

[gigglykipper]

DS is 18 months. He started nursery a couple of months ago and he hates it. He cries from drop off until we collect him. He doesn’t eat or sleep whilst there so come pick up time, if I haven’t already been summonsed to collect him due to him being hysterical, he is starving, overtired and emotionally drained. We can’t mention nursery or drive near it’s vicinity on days off because he starts hyperventilating.

Everyday that he’s there my workday is being disrupted. Financially I am losing money due to taking holidays and unpaid leave and I obviously don’t get reimbursed from the nursery for any time that I’ve been asked to collect him early, which is sometimes just a few hours after I’ve dropped him off.

Generally, he’s a different child. He’s miserable, he’s ridiculously clingy with me, lashes out with hitting and biting, cries and shouts constantly and his food intake has dramatically dropped.

I feel physically sick on the days that he is there and the whole situation is taking up all of my headspace. Everything is stressful and rushed on those days. I know that he’s going to be angry and tired when he gets home so it’s a race to try to get him to eat, bathe and then into bed. To make matters worse, it’s a given that our sleep that night is going to be horrendous.

I don’t have any alternative childcare options but it feels like I’m torturing him. It goes against all of my motherly instincts and I’m letting him down every week. What if he doesn’t trust me anymore or feel safe. I’m so torn on what to do for the best. As I see it, I could -

1.	Do nothing and hope he gets better
2.	Take him out completely and quit my job which wouldn’t be my preferred option financially
3.	Drop to half days if we could come to some arrangement with our employers
4.	Try a different setting but we could quite easily be in the same boat elsewhere

I don’t know what I’m expecting to gain from this but I really needed to vent. As much as my husband sympathises with the situation, he’s pretty blunt that I need to work so nursery has to work for us. It clearly isn’t working for our son though. Or me for that matter.

What would you do? Has anyone experienced anything similar and come through the other side?

I would look for a different nursery, your son clearly isn't settling at this one.

What have nursery suggested? It seems an extreme reaction from him, so I'd want to know what ideas nursery had for what's behind it.

' It goes against all of my motherly instincts and I’m letting him down every week. '

I think ultimately only you can answer this. And you've done it here- by mentioning your instinct on the situation.

Everything you've described obviously sounds like an unhappy child. Some may say that's part of growing up, but I'd disagree with that. He's still just a baby at 18 months.

All in context. If you can afford it, even if it means being skint for a few years- then wouldn't you be happier knowing your child's needs are being put first?

The days can be long at home with toddlers, but the years are short. Does anyone really regret spending the first few years at home with their babies?

I say enjoy your son! And let him enjoy you. Work will be there when you and him are ready to go back to work and nursery.

Awww, poor baby! This is definitely an extreme reaction. If it were me, I would try half days if your employer can accomodate. That way your boy can start to get used to nursery, then at lunch time come home for some Mummy time. He can also eat and nap in his own space so main routine isn't slaughtered that day. Then hopefully he'll adjust to going to nursery quickly and you can start doing full days again.

Not exactly the same thing, but when I took my anti-social 1 year old to a playgroup for the first time he HATED it. Clung to me, screamed if I tried to get him down, and don't even think about getting more than half a foot away from him. It took a GOOD two months for him to actually start playing, and we had a holiday during this where we stayed a long weekend with his loud and boisterous cousons which was a real turning point.

He WILL adjust to nursery; it's all about smoothing out the process and letting him know that he is safe there and that Mummy will come to get him at the end of the day.

This sounds incredibly hard. A few weeks of settle time is reasonable, but not months. What have nursery said? How have they tried to support him?

I would say he definitely does need to stop going, it’s clearly not right for him, but of course not working is a huge financial bit. You say you have no other options, are you very rural? I ask as I wonder if a childminder working in her home with fewer children might be a better setting for him?

You’ve given it a really good go but it’s obviously not working. I won’t tell you to give up your job but if it were me that’s probably what I’d do. But I think there’s also a lot to be said for trying alternative childcare. Could you afford a nanny? Or a childminder might be better for him as it’s more homely. What I’d absolutely not do is leave him where he is.

1. Try a different setting but we could quite easily be in the same boat elsewhere

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I would explore other childcare options as soon as poss: childminders often work for kids who hate nursery- more homely; other nurseries (maybe this one is just not that good??); could you afford a nanny? Definitely explore all these before giving up work- that is drastic and should be equally asked of your partner as well as you. Maybe you could both do 4 days a week, meaning your kid only has to be in childcare three days?

I would definitely be looking at alternative childcare options. It's not one size fits all and it might be that this particular nursery just isn't the right fit for your child. Have you discussed this with them? I would expect teething problems at the start but not months down the line.

Also you say that your husband is sympathetic but then go on to mention all the holidays/unpaid leave you're taking. It doesn't sound like he's being supportive at all.

What options has nursery suggested? What have they done to help? Does he like his keyworker or would a change help?

Does he know any of the other children there - would a play date with one of them help him to have a buddy there?

I imagine staying off work isn't an option financially, and not everyone wants to do that anyway.

Does it have to be a nursery - are there any childminders in your area? Maybe he'd be better in a more 'homely' environment - nurseries can be busy and hectic