Vicious circle of BF, feeling lost

[theescapeladder]

Sorry for the long read.

I'm a FT/SAHM. My 14 month old DS has always been a very intense baby, now he's a toddler it's getting worse and each morning I actually wake up with a feeling of dread. He can be such a happy baby on the surface, but the truth is everything is a battle. He starts complaining as soon as he wakes up. He hates getting dressed, nappy change, getting into his pushchair or high chair. He proceeds to scream hysterically throughout all of these unless I give up. He screams if we say no. He screams if I try to put him down for a second. He screams if he hits or scratches me and I say ouch. I rarely go out anymore as it always ends up in a massive meltdown and I cannot even cook as I have to hold DS constantly.

The only thing that will stop the screaming for a while is being held and breastfeeding. We had a difficult start to it as DS was tongue tied, and despite having it corrected he would not latch. After a short period of pumping, then BF with nipple shields finally something clicked. I was exclusively BFing till DS was around 7 months old and ready to start weaning. He was curious and open to trying different foods and textures (we used a combination of BLW and spoon-feeding) so between month 7 and 12 he had around 3 meals per day plus fruit/yoghurt/other snacks in between. I still Bfed round the clock, on demand, but at least DS had a variety of different foods on top of that.

Unfortunately this period wasn't meant to last and for about 2 months now DS started gradually refusing his meals and pretty much everything that we offered was being rejected with a huge tantrum. At the moment we're still offering solids at regular times but he can spend a whole day on a few mouthfuls of yoghurt, if we're lucky. So we're going through a vicious circle of regular meltdowns triggered by nappy change/putting clothes on/food offered/being put down on the floor for a moment while I use the toilet and BFing in response to these meltdowns (for DS's comfort and for me to sit in silence for a few minutes).

I always had a strong supply so I know DS is having a lot of my milk. He's above 98 centile for weight and height, so clearly he can't be malnourished, and he can't be starving as he wouldn't refuse all the food otherwise. I worry that he may be a bit anaemic as he's quite pale, plus I read that lack of iron can make toddlers irritable (which could explain his constant crying and screaming).

Am I doing something wrong? On one hand I am immensely grateful for being able to BF, I can see that DS needs a lot of comfort that it brings at the moment… but on the other hand I am tired of being his sole source of food and would like to enjoy a nutritious meal out or at home with my DS 😅

GP didn't want to get involved, asked me to speak to HV. HV wants me to go back to the GP…
Anyone can relate/reassure/offer advice?

It’s quite simple you need to stop bfing on demand and implement a loose feeding schedule. At 14 months the majority of his nutrition should come from food - a whole day on a full mouthful of yoghurt just isn’t sufficient for healthy growth, in fact I would be surprised if he wasn’t anaemic.

I would take him to the doctors for a blood test to check his overall health, and stick to breastfeeds before sleep only (so maybe something like, morning before nap before bed). Hopefully someone will come along with a few tips on how to fend off the meltdowns!

You can’t be dominated by a toddler, you are in charge and need to ensure he is properly nourished, regardless of his tantrums.

Good luck!

May be obvious but are you giving him vitamins with iron included?

I personally don't think he needs more than 2 feeds a day (though this is entirely up to you) at the most at this age. I would definitely reduce his feeds so he isn't filling up on milk.

Very baby-dependant, but my 14 mo would eat lentils for every meal if I offered. You can season or leave plain, and very iron-rich. Not to mention cheap and quick!

Could you go back to the GP and explain HV wont help, asking for referral? If they dont feel able/qualified to assist you need signposting to a professional who can help.

My first thought was reflux might make baby very uncomfortable and milk is soothing the discomfort. But if he is so sad somebody needs to check it's not something serious.

I hope you get help soon OP. This sounds like professional input is really needed.

He might not have interest in solids as he's feeling full already from the milk. Could you access some local breastfeeding support for advice on weaning him down to a couple of feeds a day? It sounds like it will be hard if he is intense but he will get used to feeds at set times if the boundaries are firm. My first daughter was fine dropping feeds but my second daughter is much more attached to breastfeeding as a toddler. When I wanted to drop feeds I had to give her to her Dad at those times. Otherwise I would go to your GP and get referred to a pediatric dietitian.

I think it’s time to consider leaving him with someone else for a few hours here and there . Maybe a local childminder with a similar aged tot to play with ? That way he’ll have to eat normal food and your milk supply will adjust down with the reduced demand . You’ve done great - especially after a tricky start but you must be so tired and little boys especially have a knack for getting their own way .
could you also pop out at dinner time and leave him to eat with his other parent or a grandparent . I think it’s a case of preferring breast and you’re giving in for a quiet life ( no judgment , my stubborn son had me doing all kinds of loopy things to please him at one point) . They just get tougher and more stubborn in the months ahead so I would think it wise to put your foot down now . Also if he’s clingy don’t do any long winded goodbyes , you just sort of have to drop them and runaway . They soon cheer up and play when you’re out of sight . You’ll thank yourself when it’s time for nursery .

Agree, involve someone else.

Gosh you must be exhausted.

If you have a supportive partner talk this through with them, to devise a joint plan where they support you - because the only way to get out of this situation is to start enforcing some boundaries, and this is tough to do at the start (there will be screaming.)

The idea to start leaving him with someone else is a good one. You need a break so you can get your energy levels up, and different kinds of stimulation will be good for him.

Right now you are feeding and holding him constantly for a quiet life (totally understandable) but actually it’s making life much harder.

At his age he should be getting most of his calories from food as PP says so drop off the breastfeeding quite steeply. He’ll eat if he’s hungry.

He also doesn’t need to be breastfed for comfort, a cuddle can do the same job, he just needs to get used to that.

He also needs to learn to self sooth, he is only going to get more determined so best to start being firmer now.

I’d also see a different GP to see if there is any cause of discomfort that might be making things worse - although it’s unlikely.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment and offer advice. I'm taking it all on board while considering my next steps. Yes I am exhausted beyond words, and I know things will have to change, otherwise I will just snap.