Please help me with potty training!

[ParentConfessionTime]

I'll give you the cliff notes!
DS just shy of 3. Been telling us for a while now that he's doing a poo and most of the time tells us that he needs a wee

So we started potty training and built up slowly. Brought potty into the room, decorated it. Read all the usual bed story suspects about potty training. Introduced a star chart and rewards etc.

We have not made an issue of accidents and praised every milestone-putting pants on, sitting on the potty, sitting on the toilet etc

But he will not do a wee or a poo on the potty or toilet. He holds it in until he wets himself and then says he's done a wee. I've just had to clear up a big puddle in the middle of ikea which happened 3 mins after leaving the loo and sitting on it for 5 mins

So I know some will say he's not ready. I believe he is and he's said he's scared of the potty. I know if we stop he will see it that we've given in as he's refused as he can be quite stubborn. We are continuing on and putting pants on every day but on day 4 now and I don't know how to encourage him to not be afraid of going to the loo on it.

He seems to want to wear pants and now doesn't want his nappy on but is happier to wet or poo himself than go on the potty

Help!

I would be tempted to put him back in nappies and give both of you a break at this point. It sounds like it's becoming very stressful and a bit of a battle. I once had a little girl who was similarly stubborn and I put her back in nappies, a couple of weeks later she found the pants in her drawer when she was getting dressed and decided she wanted to wear them, she was pretty much trained in two days.
Going straight to using the loo is a great idea at this age too, maybe put the potty away and let him know he can use the toilet when he's ready.

Sympathies! My DS is the same age and totally understands but just refuses point blank to sit on the potty or the loo. The bare below the waist doesn't work with him because he hates not having anything on and it seems cruel to make him stand up for hours (refuses to sit down without a nappy or pants on). We have taken a break for now as it was stressing us all out so much. We'll try again in a month or so.

Give up the potty. From now on, all training is in the bathroom/toilet.

If he won't sit on a toilet seat (even with a child size insert) then get him a plastic step to stand on and wee in the toilet. Like Daddy. Daddy can demonstrate.

Once he's mastered peeing in and flushing the toilet you're well on the way to using the step to gain a seat on the toilet and poo.

I’d agree with this, it sounds like it’s all gone a bit wrong and you’re caught in a battle of wills which you will never win, because toddlers.

I’d also really recommend reading Oh Crap cover to cover and try again in 2-4 weeks when you can clear your schedule for a full 7 days (Ikea on day 3 is just asking for trouble!) and be prepared to pump the heating for days 1-3 so he can go naked. I did Oh Crap properly with DS after the literal shit show that was DD and it was a revelation, literally a blow by blow of everything I did wrong in my early attempts with her!

I do agree this has become stressful for all involved!

I feel like it's got to the point where you're trying to put a baby down who's upset then you get stressed so they get more upset and the only way to de escalate is to take a break and everyone calm down

But DH is worried he'll be in nappies forever! He already thinks we've left it too late at 2yrs 9 months and has read something on bladder and incontinence issues with children's website (ERIC) that suggests it can lead to issues as an adult if we don't continue this and putting a nappy on can lead to mixed messages

Obviously I don't want to cause issues for my DS or fail him! Just very confused but such different advice online! 😬

He’s not going to be in nappies forever! The Oh Crap lady just says that 20-30 months is easier, which I totally resonate with, not that you’re setting up lifelong issues by being closer to 3 than 2! There’s a section in the book about doing a reset, and another chapter about older trainers. Obviously it’s just one method and you don’t have to use it but I’d really recommend giving it a read as a starting point.

Keep the faith. Potty training my second was the hardest thing I’ve done so far and it was a total (and v unhealthy) battle of wills. I’d absolutely recommend skipping the potty if he likes the toilet. Get a seat to support him on it and a step so it all as easy as possible. I’d also highly recommend reading Oh Crap as well to help you troubleshoot what exactly the issue is and plan what approach to take. We were already in a mess when I read it with my second but it had some useful tips. And I did it from day one with my third and it was great. But also, step back. I hate reading that advice but with so many things that’s what it boils down to. Believe he will get this and try to be mega calm about it. I read that advice so many times and it is so hard but you just say “oh dear, wee doesn’t belong on the floor, it goes in the toilet, here it is”, have them help you clean up in some way (get their new clothes, get a cloth for you) and carry on with your day. Because he’s feeding off your stress and I say that from bitter, bitter experience with both toilet and fussy eating issues. Stepping back was always the best thing to do. So much easier said that done and I know exactly how stressed and worried you feel. I was worried I left it too late and was sure he wasn’t going to be sorted by the time he started school etc. (my second was also 3) but he got there eventually.

Hi. I am desperate for some advice please. So my daughter turned 4 a week ago, I have been trying to get her to wee on the potty/toilet for soo long now. So she insists on wearing pants apart from when she goes nursery, which is fine but she will literally hold her wee in ALL day and I’m talking 8-6 some days I know this can’t be good for her and I do try encouraging her to use the potty which she sits on but nothing happens so in the end we have to put a nappy on her. I’ve tried everything from charts to bribing and today I cut a hole in her nappy after her holding her wee in all day and made her sit on the potty, nothing happened so then I put a nappy on her made her sit down again and she told me she was weeing so I tried to rip the nappy off and then she started crying and stopped weeing because I did this. So I then got another nappy and cut a hole in it without her knowing and again made her sit down on the potty, this worked and she weed. However now she is saying when she needs a wee can I cut a hole on her nappy. It’s like she has stage fright when she tries to wee without a nappy. I’m honestly at my wits end and don’t know what else I can do. Her nursery have told me to probably contact the health visitor but I don’t see how that will help.

It’s amazing how long some children can hold it in, especially when they’re learning and intimidated and anxious. What happens if you just let the day run without resorting to a nappy as you’re worried? Will she eventually wet herself? If she will then perhaps you have to let those accidents happen and see how she responds and feels about them. You could give her some extra drinks or juice on days when you’re home to see what will happen when her bladder gets v full. If you are helping her visit the potty throughout the day and giving her the opportunity then eventually she will get it. But as she is 4 I wonder if trying the toilet with a toddler seat on it would help instead of a potty.