Feel like I am unable to support my children with what they need

[Expectationtoohigh]

Where do I even start. I have 4 children aged 3yrs, 2yrs & 9 months. My son the oldest has delayed development and speech, this is having an effect on my other children aswell.
My twins both aged 2 are really struggling emotionally to even cope with day to day life. They are constantly fighting and screaming at anything and everything. My youngest is also very difficult at present, demanding and crying frequently.
Having 4 children I find it difficult to split my time amongst all of them to teach them basic day to day stuff. I am failing them! My son isn't toilet trained. He will sit on a potty but won't do anything. How can I get him to do it? The twins will just cry at the sight of the potty. They are all able to tell me if they are soiled or wet which are signs they are ready but I can't get them to do it. None of them will follow basic instructions unless it os going to bed which is still a challenge as they will all scream until the moment they get into bed.
The whole situation is effecting my relationship with my partner ( the children's father), he is convinced there is something wrong with them all which while I know their behaviour isn't right I think is extreme. Where am I going wrong????

Is the issue all about toilet training?

If so, aged 2 (your twins), just forget about it - too early yet. Don't beat yourself that they're not ready yet. Plan to stay in nappies for now, end of.

Your eldest, if a young 3 I also wouldn't worry too much. It will come when he's ready there is no rush at this age.

What does your partner do with the children?

I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed. I had 3 the same age as your 3 eldest, adding a baby to the mix would have been very hard.

Forget potty training for now, try again in the spring. They're all too young/not ready.

Can you get free hours for the 3 year old?

Sync the twins' and baby's nap (assuming the twins still nap), so you have half an hour with your eldest and half an hour of peace at least.

I hope your partner is very actively involved as it's a huge amount of work at that age.

Mine are now 6 and 4.5 (x2) and it's infinitely easier.

Wow - 4 kids under 5 is v v hard. Could you contact the health visitor for some reassurance and advice? Do you have any other friends or family for support? The 2 year olds may not be ready - it’s not unusual at that age I think

In the kindest way possible, it doesn't sound like potty training should be the biggest worry right now. Between 3-4 I think is perfectly acceptable to start training for a kid with delayed development & speech. At 2, with twins, very ambitious!

It really sounds like you are completely overwhelmed with caring for 4 kids 3 and under, and honestly who wouldn't be!!

What support do you have in place? When do you get a break? Can you divide and conquer together with your partner?

I have no experience of managing with this many kids, so perhaps ignore me, but maybe approach creating a calmer environment and setting some ground rules / expectations for behaviour first. Perhaps then tackling this with a united front, and getting the kids on side potty training might be easier?

Please ensure you are taking reliable contraception. Why did you have another child when it was already so hard?

Thank you all for a bit of reassurance. I just try my best each day. My 3yr ild get his 15 hours a week, goes 3 hours Mon to Fri so I get some time with the twins and baby. That's awkward as I don't drive so by the time I have walked to the school with him and got back doesn't leave much time to do anything. The twins do nap, I have tried to sync it numerous times to no avail. Tried the health visitor and can't seem to get a response in the past 6 months. Nightmare!
My partner tries to be involved but finds things too stressful for him so he's doesn't do as much as I think he should. We have no other support at all. My family are more than useless and his family are all in competition with each other if his mum helps us she has to do it for the others or there is an issues it's wears her out.
As for contraception, I was on the pill when I fell pregnant with my 4th, we even debated not going ahead with it but I couldn't do it. The very idea made me feel sick! A fourth child was not in my plan, neither was twins but every child is a blessing.

Is your 3yo being investigated for why he is delayed? If not, get a referral to a paediatrician asap. We did this for our toddler via speech and language (just rang their general helpline and the therapist I spoke to immediately said we needed a referral when I described him and put it through the same day). You can also do this via the HV but it can be hard to get a call back as you know. Once you are referred, waiting lists are LONG! Also talk to nursery about how he's doing there, does he need additional support/an IEP/ECHP. I know you've a lot on your plate but I'd be thinking towards school and ensuring everything is in place to help this transition.

2yo twins do not need to be potty trained! If it's not working, leave it. I didn't PT ds1 until he was 3 - he just wasn't ready. I haven't even thought about it with my delayed toddler - there's no point!

For support - have a good look online for local support groups. You have young children so there should be plenty of general baby / toddler groups about. You have twins which might have a local support group too. There are also places that support with delayed toddlers in my area, even if no formal diagnosis. In fact, if you ever do manage to speak to your HV, we've attended stay and play sessions precisely for delayed toddlers at our local children's centre so ask about these - they were free but needed booking and they are not held super regularly but are a good way to meet parents with similar concerns and chat to early years professionals. Have a thorough research as I have made friends this way and also it's useful to share ideas and strategies with people going through the same thing! If they are local groups too then it's likely there will be meet ups, which give you a social aspect too.

Aww no real useful advice but it is normal for children that age to scream and have tantrums and not follow instructions.... I would genuinely have had some kind of breakdown trying to manage kids those ages with only 15 hours for eldest. I would prioritise doing whatever helps get you through the day slightly more easily. If that means lots of cbeebies then do that, their programmes are educational anyway. It is normal for it to be very very tough with kids those ages even without considering any language delay and your partner needs to really step up. Eg he could take two of them out for a long walk in the buggy while you have some time with the other two. Try to look after yourself, it is early days and it will get easier eventually...

the fact that your partner finds it stressful is not a good enough excuse op! So do you! He needs to step up to his responsibilities- they are his children too and the fact that he isn’t shouldering his share of their care is the problem, nothing else.

I agree that I’d be getting some long term contraception in place so there’s no room for missing or being late with a pill when you’re so tired! Sounds like a nightmare. Could homestart help you ? I’d call the HV every single day until they respond. Perhaps consider paying for a mothers help or nursery for twins? Can you put baby in a sling on your back so hands are free for twins?

Also what about an intensive driving course to get you going?

Hi Op, my 2 year old also has a speech delay. My advice if you can afford it is to contact a local private speech therapist to assess him and see what they can do to help. You can also google ICAN which is a charity and you can call them for free advice on speech.

You’ll be waiting a year for NHS speech therapy and they are rubbish.