Going from one to two DC advice needed please

[Lost0013]

Hi All,

Hope you are doing ok.

My LO will be 3 in the new year and we were starting to think about another LO. My concern is LO is very much a mummy's girl and won't allow others to do things for her if I'm around such as take her to the toilet, lift her up etc. I've dealt with every night wake up too and still do.

Has anyone had a second child with a firstborn who is still so firmly attached to just the one parent? I'm worried about how it would affect her and also the fact that I wouldn't be able to tear myself in two for two DC. Just wish I could see into the future but any first hand experiences would be so much appreciated.

Thanks for taking the time to read!

Yes my DD was like this, she was 5 time her sister was born so a little older but it actually helped to make her realise she's not the only one who can have my attention, and she had a LOT!

Just think all the love that your DD has for you she can share that love with her sibling. That's how I see it anyway, but it depends how much you want another first and foremost.

I love that way of thinking thank you so much. I'd like to wait till LO is a little older but time isn't on my side haha.

It's so nice to hear others experiences because there is nowhere else to turn for advice x

I'm very much the favourite, and always have been, but DH does his turns and if they don't like it, it's tough, he's good at distracting them and we've got different skill sets (his involves a lot of bouncing small kids on our bed)! Having always been glued to my side, DD1 loved it when I had her sister as DH took her out every day for three weeks and he's far more fun than I am apparently. Now we've got the two with bedtime routines we take one each if we're both home and alternate nights. There's plenty of love to go round and they adore each other which is great. Does your OH need to step up a bit? Is DD in childcare?

Yes I had a mummy's girl and honestly the first 1-2 months with new baby were emotionally really really hard for me as I didn't have nearly as much time to give her like before. My son had colic and was (is?) a very demanding baby. DD(3) actually coped brilliantly with lots of emotional support from us. We tried to avoid any shaming or over-praising. I would lie with her at bedtime when I could sneak a minute and say "it's hard having a new baby, isn't it?" And let her express herself to learn that it's ok to feel sad or mad as it is a tough time.

She is now more equal in preferring DH and I (new baby is 3 months old), as she has spent so much more time with DH since baby was born. The painful adaptation period is thankfully behind us. It will be hard, but you'll get through it. Find special time for your daughter each day and you will value it SO MUCH more than ever before.

Thanks so much for replying. He does his fair share I think. We do bedtime routine together but LO gets upset if I disappear to the toilet or anything. He probably could do more with her but he works full time and I'm part time. She goes twice a week to nursery.
Perhaps I need to be tougher and say no it's dad's turn but she gets so so upset, I honestly don't know how to make their bond stronger. I'm terrified that if we have another and they both only want me especially at night that I'll be broken and be unfit to look after them but I know we always find a way. LO's sleep was awful for such a long time it was really really tough.
But the feeling / need to try for another baby is so strong especially that feeling in the pit of your stomach. I don't want to look back in regret that we didn't try but just needed to hear from others in same situation.
Thanks again x

@Endlesslaundry123 thank you so much for replying. I'm quite a highly sensitive parent I think you'd say, so when my LO is upset or something it proper gets to me. I'm so glad things are better for you now and you're right you just need to get through it I guess.
Thanks again x

Hi OP, obviously they're all different, but FWIW my experience was:
DS1 was a super-clingy toddler, aged 3.5 yo when DS2 arrived. I felt the age gap was a good thing because DS1 was verbal enough to talk it out with me: "mummy I wish the baby would go away so I could have all the cuddles like before!" etc, which usually prompted DH to take baby for a walk while we had our cuddle time...
(I've seen the most difficult sibling stuff happen in families where the age gap is 2 years or so, when the first-born one isn't very verbal yet so expresses with hitting and tantrum-ing instead of words.)
Overall, becoming a 2 kid family has been absolutely fab for DS1 - he is an incredible big brother and they play beautifully together, loads of laughter and hugs, minimal teasing (maybe they're both still too young for that yet!)
He has learnt to self-regulate better and share better and wait his turn with grace and kindness. In side-by-side comparisons with friends his age who are only children, he is so much less spoiled and better equipped to make friends and grow into a balanced adult.
It's made our family feel complete and been absolutely the best thing for me and DH as parents - so much love for the both our children and so much delight in them being a little team of fun, ready for anything.
Wish you best of luck whatever you decide! x

@WoolyMammoth55 thank you so much for taking the time to reply that sounds really positive and lovely 😊

Ah my first son is very mum a mummy’s boy, we did the whole of lockdown spending every day together so we are close. Before we had another baby he was very high needs and wanted constant attention and for us to play with him, entertain him a lot etc so we were a bit worried about how it would all go. We had DS2 when he was 3 and a half and honestly it’s been nothing but positive. It’s made DS1 slightly less needy and more independent, although that has come with age too. Having a sibling teaches them that mummy has two children to look after and they may sometimes have to wait their turn or be patient. It’s a good learning curve in my opinion.

Yes, but when DD2 was born DD1 just loved her so much she wanted to look after her too. She didn't mind sharing me with her, because she loved her baby sister that much. It was very heartwarming. They've had their moments since of course 😂

I read somewhere that you shouldn’t change anything for the eldest 3 months before or 3 months after the arrival of the baby so they don’t associate it with them.

So we thought about what we wanted to change before baby arrived and all the changes we made we tried to do as early as possible in pregnancy.

I night weaned and then a few weeks later we swapped to DH being responsible for all night wakes and moved DD to her own room (we’d been cosleeping up until then)

The night weaning was the worst bit and I took the brunt of it. It was great being able to get some rest once nights were DHs problem though! After doing ~18 months by myself including some really rough patches I didn’t feel even a tiny bit bad about enjoying the rest!

We found being firm about who was doing what helped her adjust. Eg “Daddy is helping you with X, mummy’s turn is tomorrow (or whenever)” even now she sometimes kicks up a fuss but it’s significantly less than when we first started.

Basically what I’m saying is get
DH involved well before you “need” him to be and once you’ve said he’s doing something hold firm on it. It’s not nice seeing them upset but having a loving parent do a care taking task isn’t hurting them.

@Exworrier @SamanthaVimes @villamariavintrapp thank you all so much for taking the time to reply I really do appreciate it x

TBH the oldest has to learn to lump it and it's good for them. They have incompatible needs and the baby usually comes first because you can't do anything until the crying stops. In the early days there's a lot of upset and sticking the telly on more than is healthy.

I don't think you're helping yourself by calling her a mummy's girl and letting her insist you do things for her, in our house we say 'you don't get to choose' when they try to decide which parent they want to do something. She'd probably have a stronger bond if you didn't step in every time.

When I was pregnant the second time DC1 went for lots of weekend days out with her dad because I was knackered by insomnia and pelvic pain. By the end of your pregnancy your relationship with her might have changed a bit as you get less able to jump around and keep pace with her.

Not to be too blunt about it, I think you need to toughen up a bit! Kids are resilient, having a sibling is about learning that you don't always come first and sometimes you need to wait or share. If you go into it with the attitude that your terribly delicate terribly sensitive child will be traumatised if she has to share you, it won't help her any.

You can start by not letting her call the shots in who takes her to the loo or puts her to bed etc. She won't break if everything isn't her own way.

My DD was stuck to my side for the first 5 years of her life. She cried when her dad took her to bed, she was upset every time I left her at school.

Her brother was born a couple of months before she turned 3 and I was slightly concerned how she'd react. However, she has the most beautiful, kind nature and adored her little brother from the day he was born. She still didn't like mummy not being with her at school etc but there was no animosity towards her brother.

They are both teenagers now and are still the best of friends. They're always there for each other and just enjoy each others company.

I can honestly say there has never been any jealousy between them. She wasn't pushed out for the new baby, she was part of nurturing him, teaching him, and she excelled! I know all children are different but I can honestly say that if we'd not given her the chance to be a big sister we'd have missed out on seeing this beautiful part of her personality blossom.

Good luck!

@Dogtooth thanks for the advice.
@Shecrazy that's really lovely thank you for sharing!