Very sensitive subject matter

[DojaDog]

And I don't know where to put this or who to turn to.

I found out that 2 of my children had intimate experimentation in primary school (both under 10 and close in age)

It came out as one disclosed to the school. Its classed as historical as was years ago now.

I need to talk to someone but I don't know who. I'm scared to Google for obvious reasons. I'm scared to post about it in fear of attracting weirdos.

I can't talk to my DH, it's too raw and hurtful. I don't know how to help my children and its driving me utterly insane.

I saw a tiktok video with a clinical phrase that described it when talking about S A vs experimentation but I can't remember what it was.

It's been months and I still lay awake at night thinking about everything.

I don't know who to turn to.

SS have closed case and I'm just left to deal with the fallout

Also I still don't duly know what happens as they both seem to have mental blocks in place and can't talk about it. On waiting list for counselling but have been told it will be at least a year.

I'm a safeguarding lead at a school, I deal with this kind of thing.

I'm nit sure what you mean by "intimate experimentation". That's not an official term. It could mean anything on a very wide range of things, from very serious to entirely innocent and everything in between.

What do you want to know?

In terms of both having "mental blocks" in place, it's very important not to push children to talk about things until they offer the information themselves. So don't force the issue. All you need to do is keep lines of trusted communication open do when/if they want to talk they can.

If it is bothering you, then I'd suggest finding talking therapy for yourself to unpick those feelings without it affecting your children.

I've been told the waiting list for me is just as long 18 months plus.

I used that phrase as I'm very aware that there are some unsavory people trawling this site and am trying to be as ambiguous as possible.

I don't know what I'm looking for. A support group? Books for parents that have had to deal with this? I don't know.

I've not forced them to talk about anything, hence still being quite in the dark about what actually happened.

All I know is SS and police closed the case and we've been told counselling will be a long way away.

And now we're all supposed to act like nothing happened and everything's not changed forever?! :(

I’m a therapist in the sexual assault field and have worked with a few clients who have done similar in childhood. It’s actually not super uncommon.

The nspcc has some info about what differentiates ‘normal’ sibling/peer curiosity/experimentation and what is abuse.

Mainly range of age difference and presence of threats and coercion.

It’s not a given that one or both or them did anything ‘wrong’. Would need to explore how they make sense of it and feel about it.

It is ok to move on from trauma.

I'd suggest speaking to your GP about your own feelings about this. It might be that medication helps you, especially while you wait for therapy. You could also consider paying for private therapy, if you don't want to wait.

In terms of your children, if social services have closed then they must consider thar the children are no longer at risk if harm and have ongoing support in place. If you disagree, you can re-refer.

If police have closed the case then they must consider there isn't evidence of an offence taking place.

It might be that the children need to disclose more for further action to happen. Which may or may not come in time.

It's almost impossible to suggest anything without more info of the situation.

This could be something that (to me as DSL who deals with serious incidents like this all the time) is quite minor but to tou feels like a really big deal - and all you need is perspective.

It could equally be very serious with the children victims if sexusl violence. In which case, various charities work with victim support alongside police investigations. For example IMARA.

The police and SS deemed it as not a crime because of the age proximity and what was said from them both in terms of there being no force or coercion. But it was serious in terms of what physically happened. But I don't have anymore information because they don't want to talk about it or can't remember as it was so long ago and they were young.

The police said its very common and its mostly swept under the carpet by families but as it was disclosed at school they had to (rightly!) get involved.

I honestly don't believe there was any malice involved or ill intent but it's still heartbreaking to us all

Are the children themselves suffering any ill-effects now, due to this historic incident?

I would say yes. One has had issues since starting high-school. When I found this out it all just slotted in place and I broke down because it felt like this must be the reason for all the anxiety issues.
My other child is much more stoic but also broke down when it all came out and said they had been struggling with it for years, shame and guilt.

So these ongoing issues are mental health? I'd focus on improving nental health, rather than the incident itself.

• Start with a request for CAMHS therapy
• Healthy family teams may offer shorter term support for low mood or anxiety
• Some schools have counsellors- ask to go on the waiting list
• Ask school if they can offer a mentor
• most local authorities have developed youth mental health services in the post-covid era. Look through your LA website. Get on waiting lists
• Kooth.com - free (safe) mental health support for children
• NSPCC
• Young Minds
• Childline

Thankyou.

School are involved and they are on the CAHMS waiting list and also have counselling at school each week.

I'm having CBT but that's unrelated

You could try 1in 4. It is not exactly what you are looking for as it is support around sexual abuse but they may be able to offer you some support with your feelings around this or to signpost you on.