Given up trying to coparent

[Sobloosytired]

I have tried and tried for the past year to coparent with my daughters dad.
Ive moved my plans and appointments to suit his schedule
I've let him cancel or cut short plans with DD at the last moment because he wanted to see his new gf
I've driven DD two hours each way when he decided to move miles away after the breakup
I asked him to look after her on Sunday afternoon because I wasn't well and all hell broke loose. Told I was controlling, he couldn't do anything or make any plans because of me. I'm the biggest problem in his life etc etc

im just so tired of it. I've tried so so hard to create a situation where DD can have two parents who respect each other and be nice and share the big moments but he just won't work with me at all. At this point it's like he'd rather do whatever he can to make my life difficult over doing what's best for DD.

so I said I've had enough. He can have her every other weekend and that's it. He isn't welcome in my home anymore. I'm just so heartbroken it's come to this, I've tried to hard and DD is going to miss out on time with her dad but I just can't do it anymore.

Good for you!

All you have to do is make her available for contact. He moved away, he does the travelling. All communication by email, don't engage any further with him. Just enjoy your time with your DD and don't let him spoil it.
Don't ever tell her that he is coming to pick her up.
Always have a plan B and don't rely on him. Then if he doesn't turn up you just go ahead and do plan B. Give him a specific window of time to collect and drop off.
Is contact court ordered?

Why’s she going to miss out on time? Was he coming to your house to have her?

So we broke up last September and he moved across the country for 4 months. The only contact was when I drive her to see him or paid for his train ticket down to visit.

he now has moved back locally but he doesn't drive, so it was that in the week I would pick up DD from nursery, pick him up from work and then all go back to mine and he would do her bath and bed time. I no longer want him in my house so he can't see her during the week because he doesn't drive so wouldn't be able to pick her up on time and if she stayed over wouldn't be able to drop her off to nursery again in the morning. So that only leaves weekend

No there is no court order or anything in place

Told I was controlling, he couldn't do anything or make any plans because of me. I'm the biggest problem in his life etc etc

Playing devils advocate here, Is there a backstory for him to say that? If there is perhaps from his viewpoint he feels you call the shots and expect him to do what you say at the drop of a hat

Well that’s normal contact weekends? It’s not normal to have your ex in your house, I suppose if you are really amicable and friends still really but you’re not?

quietnightmare - ofc there's two sides to every story and I'm obviously biased but I truly don't think that is the case, if anything it's the other way around. He's never once moved any plans to suit me, it's always been the other way around.
he will always say I'm controlling and he's said that since we've been together - because I made him delete and block a girl he was sexting that made me a controlling partner apparently.

Sounds like he's a lazy and selfish. Your DD isn't going to miss out on time with such a prince among men. Better to give him access and let him show her for himself what a no-hope dad he is by not showing up.

Access will dwindle because he can't be arsed and she won't spend her childhood having him let her down.

Sorry but it's for the best, honestly. Sometimes no father is better than a shit father.

Right I'm with you now. If a relationship isn't healthy then when your break up and try and cooarent it won't be healthy majority of the time. You either both need to adjust appointments or neither of you adjust appointments etc. What about an online interactive calendar that you both have access to. At the beginning of each month you both put down any of your plans, docs appointments, meals out, family visiting, days out etc (obviously add more as you go along) that way you both are open and honest about who is busy in what days and times and then you can both see what days and times are available for your ex to see his child?

If he doesn’t drive he can pay for taxis I’m not sure why you think running round after him is a good idea he’s big enough to sort his own shit and get a bus!

Threelittlelambs I know rationally that you're right and I shouldn't be doing it, it's just hard that I know as soon as I stop doing that he won't see her anymore. She's only 3, she absolutely adores her dad and it would break her heart

How long are you going to be his personal assistant? Your DD is going to be let down eventually. I think it will be easier for you to support her through it now, than when she is 10, 12, 16. He is a selfish individual and a bad father. You can't change that.

This is so sad. You are trying your best for him but unfortunately he has to want to change. Gosh I don't understand men like this.