Child embarrassed of our house

[Jo20111]

Hi, I’m hoping someone can help. My Y6 boy will never have friends over to play. He will happily go and play at other children’s houses but not at ours.

He says it’s because we have a big house and he doesn’t want anyone to say anything about it. He’s quite shy and reserved but I’d love him to feel comfortable here. It’s really getting to me as I know he’s embarrassed.

He has some lovely football friends that don’t go to his school - he’s happy to go to their houses for sleepovers but he never wants to return the favour. I feel like the other parents will start wondering soon why I don’t invite their children over.

Any gentle suggestions would be appreciated.

It might not be the house, maybe anxiety, feeling self conscious?

Our boys have been similar but given different reasons over the years.
"It's too small/messy", moved house, "it's like a 'granny's' house" (elderly people previously owned it so it had mobility aids installed and was dated). Refurbished/extended it, "it's too big/showy".

Because they have heard children say things about other peoples houses they fear being judged in the same way. Have to say, they seem to think having a larger/more modern house is a bigger offence than anything else so it sounds like this might be something that children get more stick for.

I think mine have mainly used this as an excuse and just don't feel comfortable/secure enough in their friendships to risk inviting people over.

Maybe take them to the park or soft play to return the favour.
When he goes to high school he'll realise people have all diff kinds of homes

Thanks for that, I hadn’t even thought about him not feeling secure in his friendships.

He’ll happily go to the park and kick a football around just not bring them here. I know a few kids have commented on the house at school but I thought inviting his non-school football friends might be ok. He thinks otherwise! 😫

Children don’t like to be too different from their peer group. He might grow out of it. I’d leave him be.

My DH had a similar approach when he was young, his mum was very house proud (clean/tidy) and his friends parents lived in shit holes, they would ‘doss’ in his friends and never go to his ‘clean/tidy’ house because he knew they wouldn’t be able to ‘doss’. He said it’s a lad thing.

If he's belligerent about it I'd be pointing out all the benefits he has of having wealthy parents that he enjoys and to not be rude about the roof you work hard to put over his head.

But also is it a house or a home? Is his bedroom personalised of insta worthy? Can they sit somewhere other than the dining room to eat? Is he expected to keep everywhere perfectly tidy at all times?

He’s just trying to fit in. All children go through that stage. I’m sure he will grow out of it in a few years.

It might be something really dumb like they all have a PlayStation with multiple handsets and be doesn't. Or, better food choices. Kids can be super shallow.

Is your house that much different to his peers or is it an anxiety thing? It could be something simple like you run a right ship whereas his friends parents run a pig sty.

My dd (14) has a lot of wealthy friends. Their parents all gave range rovers and Tesla's and I drive a an old VW van ( it's dysabked adapted for my son's wheelchair). She is pretty embarrassed by it, which I totally understand. However, when we recently took loads of her friends to an escape room for her birthday, they all wanted to go in the van (instead of the other two cars).
My point is, when kids get anxious about social things, they are often imagining that people will react badly when they really don't. Do you have examples of such an instance that you could share with him? Have you asked if there is something you could do to make him more comfortable about bringing friends home? Good luck.

*disabled adapted

You said a it's big ? But is a state? Messy, un tidy?
Or are you a neat freak? Is it exceptionally tidy?

It’s just a normal family house in terms of cleanliness/tidiness and I’m really laid back. Not overly tidy and I’m not precious about our furniture but it does look nice. His bedroom is messy but it’s his space so I don’t bother too much. He doesn’t have a PlayStation or anything and he’s not bothered about playing on other people’s either.

He has friends who live in all types of houses. Some live in the old council houses, some live in the local new build houses. I understand our house is different - built on an old farm it’s a new build in 5.5 acres. He has a big bedroom with his own bathroom and king size bed. I thought it was the perfect place to bring up a family!

I just don’t get it. I’d have loved a house and garden like ours when I was little. He has a whole football pitch with 2 full sized nets and won’t have anyone round to play. He spends all night outside with a football and cones playing by himself. He’s really popular at school and with his football team. If we go to a party they all crowd round him and want to joke/sit with him etc. A real boys boy who’s the leader of the pack. He’s just so embarrassed, I really hope he does grow out of it. I don’t want parents to think I’m stuck up and won’t have their children round. I’d love to have a house full of happy children.

He's scared they'll call him posh/spoiled etc.
when he gets more friends at high school hopefully he'll see that houses come in all shapes and sizes.

Ah bless him, I was the same as a child but due to how small my home was compared to everyone else. I felt a lot of shame and never imagined that wealthy kids could feel the same. I wouldn’t discuss it with my mum because I didn’t want her to feel guilty but also I resented her for not being as ‘sorted’ as other adults I knew. But that’s an aside. We now have a larger house than most of my kids friends and I worry about this. I do invite their friends but I know some are envious and I hate that just being here makes them feel difficult emotions! I have no advice really other than I think try to keep communicating and listen to your son, his feelings are valid and I think if you are worried about how things look on you, maybe just be honest with some of the parents about what the real issue is?

I feel like this as an adult. I inherited my grandparents home which I love but it’s quite a large house set in several acres. I work a very ordinary job and definitely don’t fit in with the surrounding neighbours and always feel awkward having people over as I feel like I have to explain how I ended up living here where as most people I know live in “normal” houses