Worried about DS3

[XmasBauble]

Please help me with my son. He is 3 years and 10 months old and has constant tantrums. It probably started about a month ago. Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong? A typical non nursery day looks as follows:

1. He wakes up, comes to our room, screams and cries, kicks us. When we ask why, he just screams, stomps feet etc.

1. Once he calms down, when we say we are going down for breakfast, he has another tantrum and refuses to go down. We carry him and he full on screams and cries at the table.

1. Once calm, we ask if he wants toast. If it’s on the wrong plate we have another screaming fit.

1. Once breakfast is over, we take him upstairs to brush teeth and he has another tantrum.

1. Time to get dressed, another tantrum.

1. Play time. I get hit, told to go away, he doesn’t like me, doesn’t like my face. Dad doesn’t get this treatment.

1. Time for lunch, tantrum that’s he doesn’t want to eat.

1. Lunch is finished, I go out with his 16 month old brother to the shops (he doesn’t want to come with me anyway as he doesn’t like me). He hurts his brother on purpose so I tell him to apologise. He hits me instead. I ask him to apologise and he says “I’m not sorry”. I tell him no sweeties today so another tantrum, throws himself on the floor etc.

1. Play time / activities after i come back with another few tantrums. Today it was because I didn’t wait for him to help me change his 16 month brother’s nappy. I didn’t know he wanted to help. He screamed the house down, stomped on the stairs etc. it went on and on. We then baked biscuits and he had another full on tantrum because for the final biscuit I used the wrong biscuit cutter. Husband had to take him away.

1. Another tantrum at dinner time because he didn’t want to eat.

10. Several tantrums after dinner time when we wanted to shower him, because my husband took off his trousers, then because my husband took off his T shirt, etc etc.

11. Tantrum while getting dressed for bed.

This happens every day and I can’t take much more of this. I am dreading what happens tonight. If he cries in the middle of the night and I go in, he will have a full on screaming tantrum that he doesn’t want me. And I know tomorrow morning he will come into our room and scream and stomp and kick us.

Has something happened or changed recently?

No that does sound extreme - what was he like before and what happened a month ago?

This sounds very hard. What consequences or behaviour management strategies have you currently put in place? What are the course of events which occur during and after the episodes? What triggers make things worse?

Does he attend a childcare setting? If so working with them closely might help identifying trigger situations, working out consequences including rewards, etc.

I can't think of anything that happened a month ago. Nursery say they can't believe what I'm telling them as he's so kind and caring there, the first to help tidy up etc.

He has always been a bit temperamental but this feels like a new level.

We have tried all sorts - ignore the behaviour, time out, take away toys, no playground trip etc. nothing seems to work.

Power/control
Jealous of sibling

Maybe

Try praise for good behaviour

Did he start Nursery or move up a room a month ago as that is the start of a school term and new school year

Can you try things like giving the illusion of choice and control?

Would you like to brush your teeth upstairs or downstairs?

Line up three breakfast options on the side. Would you like to choose your breakfast?

Store the plates in an accessible place and let him choose his own.

Big meltdown? Ok. Come downstairs when you are ready. Ok. You sit there then and tell us when you are ready to choose your breakfast. Walk away/potter around busily.

Today shall we get dressed before breakfast or after breakfast.

Offer two outfits and let him choose.

Trying all sorts appears to me to be a set of negative consequences or ignoring. What positive consequences or rewards have you tried? Rewarding (not sweets but praise and experiences) - every little good behaviour and taking a more positive tone to his day to day? Also giving him choice - would you like to wear the green top or the blue top - or would you like to wear the top now so that we can have a story or would you like your story later? As opposed to - wear your top now!

Stop carrying him. Put him in his room the moment the tantrum starts and make it clear he won't be coming out till it stops. Talk to him when his calm and tell him this is what will be happening because you have had enough. Can you up the nursery days if he behaves well there he is better off being occupied there more I would say

Sounds difficult OP. Is he waking up hungry or still tired? Sounds like the unreasonable kick off first thing is probably caused by that and then it descends from there. If he's hungry then making him wait till he's calm is just prolonging the tantrum, so I'd just be like "right ok, well I'll just be in the kitchen sorting breakfast, do you want to help or do you want to find me once you've chilled out and want a cuddle"

I think there's probably loads of different things to try. I found a timer worked really well for getting ready. Loads of fresh air and outdoor play. Unless completely filthy, they can go without a bath or shower. Giving lots of choices. Getting them involved in basic day to day stuff. Decent 1:1 time when youngest has nap. Praise for anything positive.

Thinking about it more, the one thing that changed a month ago is that many of his friends left nursery to move to school and he has been left behind with some of his friends. At the same time, new younger children have joined his group. The nursery told us he is very caring towards them. We try to arrange play dates with them but they have their own lives with new school friends.

He goes 3 days a week. He has tantrums about not going in but loves it once there. On his non nursery days he has tantrums about wanting to go in.

We go to the playground with him every day when he’s not at nursery. We bake together, draw, paint, play games, reading books, role play etc. He loves his sibling but does get frustrated by him once or twice a day eg if sibling grabs an toy he is playing with, and I make a show of pretend telling off his sibling so that he knows I care about him.

We go OTT on praising good behaviour. We give him choices wherever possible eg clothes, but he tantrums that it’s not what he wants. He will want for example something that’s still wet from washing and will scream that he wants to wear it despite giving him 3 other choices.

Sometimes when he tantrums about breakfast we go downstairs without him and tell him to join us when he’s ready. He won’t and will continue to sulk. He would rather not eat and be hungry, but then continues to tantrum because he’s hungry and make the rest of the day miserable for all of us.

He gets so much 1-1 time. Our lives revolve around keeping him happy and safe. But I feel like we have gone wrong somewhere.

Honestly I would put a stair gate up to stop him coming in and attacking you get a tall one he can't scale I met a woman who had two up on her door over this sort of thing it was all about boundaries

What happens if you walk away from him when he refuses to come downstairs?

Two choices only with clothing maximum

Visual timetable? Then they see where they are which day etc

I think a mistake is to make your life revolve around them obviously it does but don't try so hard to make them happy the world doesn't work like that sometimes disappointment happens sometimes you run out of cereal sometimes your favourite top is in the wash you can't hit the roof every time this happens

Do not underestimate the change at nursery - it is the downside to private nurseries as opposed to a school based one that groups more work on age rather than school year. The loss of a lot of his friends to school then with new younger children (who will be his school peers) coming through will has I suspect thrown him and he is frustrated because what he wants he cant have.

Are you trying to manage his tantrums - I think he needs to learn regulate his emotions and frustrations about the change at Nursery. I think clearly defined boundaries and then just leave him to sort himself

We go to the playground with him every day when he’s not at nursery. We bake together, draw, paint, play games, reading books, role play etc. He loves his sibling but does get frustrated by him once or twice a day eg if sibling grabs an toy he is playing with, and I make a show of pretend telling off his sibling so that he knows I care about him.

This is an awful lot - give him some downtime. You do not need to be constantly doing things. Maybe he is trying to tell you he wants some space to himself. Does he ever just get to play by himself in his room?

And why is pretend telling off. Surely just a simple DS2 DS1 was playing with this toy and give it back

I would focus on being empathetic he's obviously going through something. Treat him how you would want to be treated if having a hard time, while holding firm boundaries on unacceptable behaviour. So, to me, being upset, crying, saying you don't want mummy/daddy/breakfast, all OK behaviour he's expressing himself, great! "Let it out darling, I can see you're upset. Let it out."

Hitting, kicking you -- not acceptable behaviour. "I see you're very upset. It's ok to feel that way but it's never ok to hit someone. Would you like to hit this pillow or the carpet? Let your feelings out, I can see you're very angry. Here, hit this pillow, come on." Stay with him through all this but keep distance if needed. He might surprise you and ask for a hug once he's processed his overwhelming feelings.

Oops strikethrough fail... That was unintended.

Thank you all for your input. Last two days we have had fewer tantrums and I think part of it might be that he wants my attention / validation that I still love him. I am not as present for him as his sibling who is younger and needs me more. We had a lovely day out yesterday where I could focus more on him 1-1. I will need to make an effort to find more opportunities for time just with mum and also acknowledge that he has some big feelings that I need to help him work through empathetically.