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Parenting

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Original poster

How do I atop the judgement getting to me

24 replies

Cluelessfirstimer · 09/10/2022 20:12

This. My MIL especially is a fucking bitch. Sorry but she is.
Everything I do she has something to say about it. When baby was born she would under her breath but loud enough for me to hear say his bottles were shit ones. The formula I chose was shit.
Then another time she was round here she kept saying he was too hot. He wasn't but when I went to make his bottle she changed him. I had a go at her about it and she said " only trying to help" but it's not helpful! It's just nasty and mean.

He now has what is thought to be eczema quite bad - she saw him today and said clearly your perfume is getting on his face. I dont even wear perfume and wash everything in fairy!

I literally limit the occasions she sees him and told her I'm not comfortable with her seeing him without me there (he is 4 months and I go back to work soon so want to be with him everyday until then- she said that's pathetic. )

My point is with her, and people in general, how do I stop getting upset with people judging me/justifying everything I do to myself. I held my head high today infront of her but I am in tears right now.

I'm literally trying my best. He is happy, playful, smiley and gaining weight really well - he was prem so always been watchful of it. Yet she still fucking shoots me done

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domestichiefofstaff · 09/10/2022 20:18

A hand hold
My MIL can't say anything nice either but lives 100s miles away (a blessing)
Is going NC an option? Her comments are t helpful and as your baby gets older, you won't be able to trust her not to drip feed poison (metaphorically) into his / her ear which is so confusing for a little person.
It's beyond me shy people can't keep their opinions to themselves

domestichiefofstaff · 09/10/2022 20:18

*Are NOT helpful

domestichiefofstaff · 09/10/2022 20:19

Goddammit. *it's beyond me WHY ...

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schratching · 09/10/2022 20:19

Keep your distance.

R0BYN · 09/10/2022 20:21

Its simple, just stop seeing her. If your partner wants her to see your son, her can take him round to see her.

puddingandsun · 09/10/2022 20:30

Everybody tells you having a baby is hard. But you don't realise one of the reasons it is so hard is because suddenly everybody is judging/ telling you you're not doing it right/ they know better.

GoingToGetInteresting · 09/10/2022 20:32

I did a thought exercise with this. Imagine someone you know who has had a baby and recreate each of these memories with you as your mother-in-law and the mother as you. Analyse what you are feeling when you criticise the other person (in your mind). Think about it and work out if the criticisms are coming from a place you can even begin to understand. If you feel there is absolutely nothing but dislike behind the criticisms, then you are actually free. Nothing you do will ever be good enough and she will find fault with anything you do wrong. She will look for these things in you and your DS and she will find them. Make a game of it in your head, imagine the things she is seeing and will comment on and keep score of what you get right. Not being liked is not as scary as it sounds, if you can embrace it, it saves you energy trying and failing to be accepted.

Only see her in company and as little as often. She can criticise you in your absence instead of in your presence. It's easier to deal with.

It's hard and you deserve more kindness than you are getting, but stop looking for something that isn't there, she does not have kind feelings towards you. Find people who do.

Glitterspy · 09/10/2022 20:36

She sounds awful OP. You know you are doing a god job though, which is great. What are your options for limited contact?

DeeofDenmark · 09/10/2022 20:40

You don’t have a general problem with people judging you, you have a MIL problem.
you know you are doing a good job and she is being a b*tch, I mean not being supportive. Just keep the courage of your convictions and try to spend more time with people who bouy you up than this one person who weighs you down. It says more about her than it does about you.

Catonamountain · 09/10/2022 20:42

What does your partner think, her son?

Original poster

Cluelessfirstimer · 09/10/2022 20:51

Thank you all. That is so true you know - this is actually the hardest thing I have found about having a baby.

My partner says she's out of order but she "its just what she's like" he also said she doesn't have much to live for ...husband died, daughter doesn't speak to her (shocker) and it would be a shame for her not to see her only grandson...

I mean .. I understand but it is really wearing me down and has me in tears. She doesn't like me - and I don't care about that but I dont want her dripping poison into his head I'm the future (as a PP says) Or upsetting me everytime

OP posts:

Stag82 · 09/10/2022 20:55

For your own well-being limit the amount you see her. Tell DP to arrange contact and if you are able to / comfortable let him take DC on his own.

DeeofDenmark · 09/10/2022 21:03

I know it’s easier said than done but you can’t change her behaviour, but you can change how you react to it. You know she is the problem, could you try to laugh it off?

CoralBells · 09/10/2022 21:12

I definitely remember this from when my kids were babies/toddlers, but I did find it got less as they got older so I hope that's the case for you too.

redredwineub40 · 10/10/2022 07:45

Your DP needs to step up - if he wants to retain a relationship with her (which I understand) he facilitates it - otherwise he's letting her take her aggression out on you, you don't need to pay the price.

It's sad that she's not learned to keep her (toxic and wrong) opinions to herself.

SomePosters · 10/10/2022 07:54

You dont have to have someone who bullies you in you home.

babys dad can take him ti visit and otherwise dont answer the door unless you know who it is!

Montague22 · 10/10/2022 08:09

I wouldn’t let him take the baby on his own. She’ll whisper in his ear and you might find a whole load more pressure comes down on you. It will be dressed up as ‘help’ of course but will just be aiming to undermine.

If you’re like me you are polite and it’s hard to be blunt. Being incredibly rude and blunt back is the only way to deal with this. If she says something rude just answer her back. With minimal words. Don’t say too much just be very direct. If she changes his clothes change them back or otherwise make your mark- eg add a cardigan. She’s just marking territory.

It took me years to get there but it works. Last time I was at my in laws FIL went to say something unkind about one of my kids I literally barked ‘FIL No’ and he looked sheepish and stopped straight away. You need to get into ‘I’ll rip your head off’ mode. Stop being meek.

Also I used to host them on my own for entire days. Don’t imagine people like this will ever be satisfied so you might as well give a lot less. I’d aim for 2 hour stints while your husband is there. Tell him he’s not to leave you alone with her.

redredwineub40 · 10/10/2022 09:45

The thing is though, your dh will soon wise up not to repeat half baked and wrong concerns to you.

frazzledasarock · 10/10/2022 09:55

Her own DD doesn't want to see her.

Tell your partner, he is welcome to entertain his mother but not in your house and you will not participate and want nothing to do with her. Let's see how often he makes time to go visit the poisonous old bat by himself.

elephantseal · 10/10/2022 09:58

Your partner needs to be more supportive. They need to call her out every time she says something horrible or disrespectful to you.

Have you said anything to her? How do you react when she says the baby's bottles are shit, for example?

I'd stop seeing her entirely, and tell her why.

stoptheasshat · 10/10/2022 11:40

I'm starting a campaign ... stop the asshat
Fed up of people excusing shitty behaviour because "that's just the way they are"
Nah, not buying it! Just because they've always been a rude, judgmental dick, doesn't make it ok! Instead of DH explaining her asshatness by saying she's always been like that, he needs to tell her she's being a wazzock.
Stand firm OP. Stop the asshat!

Original poster

Cluelessfirstimer · 10/10/2022 15:43

Thank you all. Update...

She called my partner this morning and was talking about a t shirt baby was wearing yesterday (something about it being ugly ) I overheard, took the phone off him and told her if she didn't respect my parenting she can fuck off and we will not be taking our son to see her anymore, nor will she be welcome here.

She put the phone down, had a bit of a row with my partner about it and heard no more. I'm not proud - I totally lost my shit but it was just one comment too many.

Will see what happens. I'm sure she will call my partner while he is at work and rage what an awful human I am but I literally couldn't contain myself anymore.
(Baby was asleep upstairs so heard none of it)

As the PP says, "that's just the way they are" is just not acceptable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cluelessfirstimer · 10/10/2022 15:46

And especially for people like me, who avoid confrontation, always polite and generally would never comment anything to anyone about the way they parent , it is really saying something that it got to the point i said that to her.

It's not often I lose it like that.

OP posts:

stoptheasshat · 10/10/2022 18:37

Go Clueless! You're awesome!!!
The irony is that asshat will now be totally bewildered and hurt because you've stuck up for yourself - totally oblivious to the fact she's the cause of it
Please don't lose any sleep over this. You are part way to stopping the asshat!

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