How do I survive life with a 1 year old?!

[PurplePetalPip]

Help!! How do you get a one year old to do what you want them to do?!

DS is 14 months and very wilful! I'm a first time mum and I'm pretty sure it's all the usual, normal one year old stuff but I'm sure experienced mumsnetters will tell me if I'm wrong. I'd realllllly like some advice on how to cope with the tantrums when he doesn't get his own way.

It mostly revolves around when he wants to play but it's tea time/ bath time / time to take the dog for a walk. We do the same things at the same time everyday and I give him plenty of notice that these things are coming yet still we end up in hysterics.

Some days he gets so mad when I try to put him in his high chair that he ends up not having tea because I give up. Or once we are finally out the house on a walk we have to turn around as he's so upset.

What am I doing wrong?! How do you handle these situations with a tiny dictator who hasn't learnt effective communication yet? Is it a case of ride it out?

I found this age so hard! They can't communicate with you fully. I found explaining to ds what we where doing and why and then distracting him with anything around us. The only way to stop him from tantruming was to get him to focus on something else! Then usually he'd do whatever it was we needed to do, walk the dog, have dinner etc.

Ds is almost 2.5 now and it's much easier to get him to go along with whatever it is now! He still objects sometimes and I still distract him but easier to just have a chat too.

Thank you! It's helpful to know it's normal and will eventually get easier! Sometimes distracting works for us, sometimes it doesn't. It's just trial and error I guess!

Toddlers are tough work. Take a look at big little feelings, we found it quite helpful.
Try and give him lots of praise when you can and just letting the little stuff go so you're not a broken record saying no all the time. They need to feel some freedom/power.
As pp says, preparing them for what's coming up and distraction when it all goes tits up.
With dinner time tantrums etc. If my boy is dicking around not eating then I'll get him down for 5 mins then have another go, it often works.
Good luck xxx

As hard as it is, you really shouldn't give up with something or turn back. Because all it is going to do is teach him if he throws a strop, he gets his own way.

Sometimes the only thing you can do is silently seeth inside while smiling on the outside until they stop crying.

Following in solidarity op! I have a 15 month old DS and it’s getting worse by the day. I’ve no idea how to deal with the tantrums. I just let him scream and then try again. Feel like a massive failure as submission to the tiny dictator is often the only way forward. Feeling worn out by it all!

I think easy life at this age, to be honest. They aren’t (in my opinion anyway) going to learn any meaningful lessons about discipline, they just don’t understand.

@PurplePetalPip i found 16-19 months with DS very challenging. He’d been such a gentle baby and an aggressive streak came out of nowhere, hitting me and his dad, pushing and snatching, it felt like one tantrum after another. Looking back, he was no better or worse than any other toddler but it drained me. His sleep was poor, too.

He is coming up for 22 months now and I’m biased but he’s delightful. He understands so much more so if I say bye bye swings, bye bye farm, bye bye horses (whatever we are doing) he understands. On Thursday he sat quietly by my side playing with his toys while I had coffee with a friend - unthinkable just three months ago!

One thing that has been fairly consistent with my ds from fairly early babyhood is he doesn’t like being strapped down or confined, never has really. Of course he tolerates this with the car seat but he hates high chairs and he hates his pushchair now,we rarely use it but at 15 months you have to! If the highchair is a source of conflict don’t be afraid to get rid.

Try to give them as much autonomy as you can. For meal times at this age they are able to sit/kneel on a normal chair, so just food on the table and say ‘grubs up’. Reduce the amount of conflicts by encouraging independence as much as possible.
When you do need to get him to do something you give two choices. So you say ‘we are going out do you want to wear wellies or shoes’. This distracts away from arguing about whether or not he wants to leave the house and makes him think it is his choice as he wants to wear wellies for example.

Ds would understand that now, but not at 15 months.

I never know when I read on here if we were/are really behind, or whether other people are super advanced. At 15 months, they are technically a toddler because walking but they are just babies really. i think a shift happens at around 17/18 months in terms of understanding, or it did here.

You hold shoes I one hand and wellies in the other and say which? They get the meaning quite quickly, especially if you are a shoes of household.

He is too young to understand any of this.

He doesn't understand the warnings about what is coming up next.

I know people are all about routine (and I was absolutely the same with my first) but does it really matter if they have their tea at a set time and a bath at a set time? I did exactly what you did first time round and when I had my 2nd, everything just went out of the window. Routine was nowhere to be seen. They ate whenever they wanted, had a bath when I could find the time.

Would it be possible to ease off a bit on the routine to avoid unnecessary tantrums?

Once he gets a little bit older he will start to understand what "we are having a bath in 5 minutes" means and will be more likely to listen without throwing a tantrum.

I say that but my 2 year old still throws tantrums at every opportunity!!

Every stage is tricky, but 12-18 was bad for baby tantrums for us. Language and understanding is lots better from 18 months+ I found, just ride it out!

My DD is 26 months now. This morning refused to brush her teeth. We had discussed breakfast options and she wanted toast. I said 'you can't have toast unless you brush your teeth first' and she pretend to wail with upset but I reframed it a bit and said 'we can get some toast after you brush your teeth' and she immediately shut up, brushed her teeth and then asked if we could get toast now, and was thrilled when I said yes. So much more civilised than it would have been not that long ago!

Also hone your distraction and impulsive techniques. Once you say you're doing something crack on and do it. Don't be swayed because they tantrum. They'll usually get over it in a few minutes if not less, and it really does make it easier further down the line to nip the tantrums in the bud now. The more you dither or stop to think the worse they are I find, but they'll usually go with you if you get cracking.

Teeth is still a battle here, he hates it!

I think the ‘closed choice’ is a brilliant one (for anyone who might not know,it’s when you give the child two options, both of which you like. So rather than do you want to put your coat on, it’s would you like to wear your red coat or your green one?) However, I know at 14/15 months ds wouldn’t have known or cared or understood, but toddlers are all different.

I’m just throwing that in there as personally I always find MN behaviour advice for toddlers to be suitable for older toddlers. I was once advised to let ds help with Christmas baking, apparently he could fetch the ingredients for me. He had literally only turned one that week!

Totally agree. The more you ignore it, the sooner they forget about it and discover a red sock or something equally interesting.

My only advice is be consistent. I found the toddler years relentless but now hes 3.5 hes an absolute dream.

I saw a huge change around 2.8years and it was like everything id been drilling in for 18 months just clicked.

Like any stage it will pass, they cant talk, can't regulate emotions etc.

I spent many a time in tears thinking I couldnt cope but I made it out the other side. Good luck!!

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom! Sounds like what we are going through is normal but I'll take on board the advice as to how to make it through these months!

Honestly, I spend half the day wishing the time away and then I feel guilty. But I know each stage of parenting has its challenges.

I too have a willful 14 mo! A key point i think is not to get upset with him for having a tantrum (easier said than done!), because he's only frustrated that he can't make you understand him.

If it's a battle of wills, cave on the small stuff. For non-negotiable things - just yesterday mine was messing around while being put into the carseat - DO NOT back down. It's a power struggle and they need to know Mummy is in charge.

If it's a tantrum over something he wants to do but can't, I try not to react to him crying. He needs to know that he can't turn on the tears and get what he wants.

We do follow a very same-y routine as well, but he's totally unbothered if we deviate from it. In fact, I think he likes the adventure of no routine!

Is yours walking yet? Mine has just started walking outside, and since he's been having a walk every day he's been sleeping so well. He definitely likes exploring (with a tiny fist clinging firmly to Mummy's finger, of course).

You can't get them to do what you want them to do. Take them to baby groups every day and enjoy your time with them. They grow very fast. Mine is in school now and I still think back to that first year. I spent every single moment with her but it still seemed like not enough.

Try to give him age appropriate independence. I have a book called the Montessori Toddler that helps. Get a little table and chairs instead of the high chair so he can have more choice, say do you want to carry your bag in the pram or mummy carry it (distracts from the fact he is going in the pram!). But hopefully with feeling more in control he will calm a bit xx