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Original poster

DD only child not invited

30 replies

allalisha · 09/10/2022 18:21

Hi all,

Just needed somewhere to vent, hope that's okay! (I'm new here).

My DD7 is autistic, this wouldn't be smack-you-in-the face level of obvious to someone that doesn't know her very well though. She has people she thinks of as friends but often plays alone as the noise in the classroom means she needs to peace and space to regulate at playtime.

A child she thinks of as a friend and is always happy to see had a birthday party and DD was the only girl in the class not invited. I totally get that as they get older, they tend to have smaller parties with a select few guests but DD was the only one of 12 that wasn't invited, as well as a few others, so that's not the case.

I'm not mad, of course birthday child can ask/not ask whoever they like but I'm just really, really sad for my girl. She is kind, she is crazy imaginative, she is so incredibly loving and absolutely hilarious but because of her differences, I know some of the children talk about her and think she is odd (other DD has mentioned things others have said about her sister) and that just breaks my mama heart into pieces. She is wonderful and thankfully, mostly oblivious to this sort of thing but I know as time goes on and this happens more and more, she will notice and it will hurt her.

That saying is really ringing true for me today - "I wouldn't change you for the world but I would change the world for you."

Anyway, thank you if you have read my sad mummy musings, I appreciate it ❤️

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 09/10/2022 18:57

I'm so sorry to hear this I really am. Instead of other school children thinking shes odd, would it be better if the teacher actually addressed it. Eg did an age appropriate talk about how were all different bringing up her autism? There's a a little lad in my daughter's class who has additional needs. I'm not sure how the class teacher addressed it but the lad is very well thought of by the pupils. They know he has learning difficulties and that he's a bit different, but they imbrace him regardless. Which is the way it should be inclusion benefits everyone.
Have you thought about heaving a small party yourself (may be a Halloween party and inviting some of her class mates) or inviting one of them to the park ? Or for a play date? They would get to know her and see what she's really like.

Original poster
allalisha · 09/10/2022 22:21

Thank you for your reply @Justmeandme19 ❤️
I will ask school if they do anything like that, it is only a small school and I know that DD is certainly the only girl in her class with these issues but I know school do PSHE so maybe they could cover this.
I'm just so sad for her, she is honestly an absolutely wonderful little soul, so funny and curious and her imagination is absolutely beautiful . I can see how she might seem prickly to the other children sometimes as she just needs her space come playtime but doesn't know how to communicate that very well and I suppose her games probably look a little strange to other people as it is all in her imagination and she will act out all the different parts with the voices and actions herself (so will look to others like she's talking to herself or imaginary people) but that's what she enjoys and I love that she has that ability rather than noticing how left out she is. It just kills me that she thinks of these people as friends (she does on the odd occasion play with others and she is always really eager to see people before and after school) but they talk about her and very likely make fun of her. The only blessing is that she is still mostly oblivious to that.
She longed for a playdate over the summer but I genuinely didn't know who to ask. There is one girl I could maybe ask, the one my DD calls her "BFF" but again, she is having a birthday party and she wasn't invited to that either. I just want to wrap her up and keep her away from all the nastiness in the world. She has so much to deal with (she has lots of physical health problems - again that you wouldn't know to look at her - and she is under investigation for Ehlers Danlos syndrome) and I just wish there was a part of her life that I could make easier for her 💔
Thank you for reading, I truly do appreciate it. It's hard being a lone mama, there's no one to listen to the stuff that weighs heavy so I honestly appreciate it ❤️

OP posts:
Deguster · 09/10/2022 22:23

I don’t have any advice OP, but as the mother of an autistic 5 year old, I have been there and it hurts 💐

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Original poster
allalisha · 09/10/2022 22:42

Thank you @Deguster, it really flipping hurts doesn't it. I'm laid in bed crying 😢 It's so cruel. Our little ones differences don't mean that they don't deserve friends 💔

OP posts:
Justmeandme19 · 09/10/2022 22:44

The thing is you don't know what the other school kids are thinking. They may interact more with her if they were encouraged/if they understand her a little more. Funny enough my son does that. He plays imaginery games, throwing his arms in the air and acting out seems. I often hear him in the bathroom doing it!
I would think it could look as if she doesn't want to interact with others , so maybe the kids leave her to it.
School could well do a little informal chit chat about autism, I bet you anything other kids will relate to it! It may be a small school but most people know someone with autism!
But if your child isn't bothered/hasn't noticed then try not to worry. I have 2 children similar age to yours. Neither of them have additional needs but we still seam to spend a lot of time going around in circles about their friendship group, honestly some of the little girls can be really nasty.

42isthemeaning · 09/10/2022 23:04

Hi op - my autistic ds is now 13 and I have also been there many times.
It's heartbreaking when they're left out. My dd has also been the only one not invited to a party. Sad
My school has invited a specialist teacher to talk to whole year groups about autism and I do think it makes a difference, teaching lessons about tolerance and acceptance. You could maybe ask about this kind of thing? Wish I had more comforting words but please know you're not alone.Flowers

IncessantNameChanger · 09/10/2022 23:12

I had this with my dd 8 with ASD. Two kids had a joint party and invited the entire class. My friends dd didn't go as she is sensitive kid and it was nerf gun party.

Anyway birthday party mum was talking to my mate with me there "I fully understand, your daughter is so popular, so we'll liked, everyone just adores her" which felt really weird in front of me, the mum with the quirky kid who wasn't invited.

No one knows she has asd at school. She is my third kid with sen so I don't need to BS that comes with that. Maybe people wouldn't be so judge if they knew, there are a few parents who practically recoil around my dd. She doesn't present how you would expect ASD to look, mostly because she is a girl.

I get upset but it goes over dds head. I keep telling myself that as long as she is happy nothing else matters.

Calminacrisis · 09/10/2022 23:26

I’m so sorry OP. This was my daughter with ASD. Unfortunately she wasn’t diagnosed at 7, in fact not until she was 17. But we walked into the local Pizza Express one afternoon to find the Mum of a girl DD regarded as a friend hosting a party with every other girl from DD’s class. She saw the table full of her classmates, some of whom called and waved, and walked straight to the toilets where she broke down and sobbed. I was heartbroken and so, so angry that my lovely daughter had been excluded.
It was tough. It was tough for a few years. We did everything we could to support her socially and emotionally, eventually got her diagnosis and she is now 19, has a lovely boyfriend and some good friends. She is at University and coping well - something I often feared wouldn’t happen. What I am trying to say is things can improve. It is probably worth getting in touch with the school and seeing what they are doing about being positive about diversity and inclusion - no child should be so obviously excluded.
Best wishes to you and your DD

notdaddycool · 09/10/2022 23:31

I had similar issues at school, I still remember the boy who invited me to his quad biking party aged 11.

HighlandPony · 09/10/2022 23:32

What kind of party was it? Was it one that would be overly noisy and too much for her? Not saying that’s ok but maybe the parents just thought they wouldn’t invite because she wouldn’t manage.

I got shit last year for not inviting one kid out of my eldests friend group (different circumstances, pool party with flumes and inflatable obstacle course - kid can’t swim) but genuinely didn’t see how it was from the other side. I thought it would be obvious why and they wouldn’t be bothered but they were because “I could have asked and let the boy feel invited anyway”. They may not realise it’s upset you.

Asparagoose · 09/10/2022 23:37

I remember when I was a child there was only one time when I was invited to a classmate’s birthday party. It never registered with me at the time - we were too poor for me to have parties myself so I assumed others weren’t having parties either. I was grown up before I realised that most kids have parties and there must have been parties multiple times a year that I wasn’t invited to. So if it’s any consolation she probably hasn’t twigged that she’s being excluded. It is awful though, I feel for you.

surreygirl1987 · 09/10/2022 23:39

Poor girl. When she's a bit older, introduce the book 'Can You See Me?' to her. Great story about a young autistic girl. It has a prequel as well, about the girl being younger in primary school.

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 23:41

“Hi, mum of so-and-so, can I just have a quick word? Did you mean for D to be the only child not invited to your D’s party, or was it an oversight?”

This can be said in a sweet and smiling way. However they react, they will be entirely unable to hide their true feelings.

If it turns out it was deliberate, even if they bluster it out and say their child doesn’t consider themselves friends with yours, you can respond with a dignified “ah. Ok. I see. Thank you for letting me know.” And then just avoid them.

It is a real and true pain when your child is left out like this. Worse than if it were happening to you.

Herejustforthisone · 09/10/2022 23:42

I think if they have left your child out because of autism, it will do them good to know you know. They will dwell, rightly so, on an uncomfortable facing of their own prejudices.

Foxesforme · 09/10/2022 23:51

I just can't understand how a parent can leave one child out like this and think it's okay. I know you said you're sad and not mad about this, but I think I'd be a bit mad too. It's just so mean!

Mrsmch123 · 10/10/2022 06:09

Autistic or not I think it's always a little sad when your child is left out.

TheOccupier · 10/10/2022 06:16

DD was the only one of 12 that wasn't invited, as well as a few others
What does this mean?

Foxesforme · 10/10/2022 08:56

TheOccupier · 10/10/2022 06:16

DD was the only one of 12 that wasn't invited, as well as a few others
What does this mean?

I took it to mean that DD was the only one - out of 12 girls in the class - who wasn't invited. And that a few others (boys from the class? other friends or relatives?) were invited to the party in adfition to these girls from the class.
I'm not completely sure that I have it right though...

Lindy2 · 10/10/2022 09:17

Unfortunately this is how it often is. They're not usually the only one left out but if there's a class of 30 and 20 are invited, then SEN child is always in the uninvited 10. For every single party.

My DD, who is at Secondary school now and doing pretty well with a small group of friends, was always left out of Primary school parties. I think year 2 was the last one she went to. She wasn't naughty, she just wasn't popular.

Unfortunately OP you need to grow a pretty thick skin or it will get you down too much. It's most galling when the same mums try to make out how incredibly inclusive and understanding they are - when you know they really aren't.

SD1978 · 10/10/2022 09:22

I will never understand this mindset. If it's only a few kids, different scenario, but we have every girl except one is invited I find that shitty parenting

iwishihadabox · 10/10/2022 09:24

I reframed it to 'thank fuck' when they didn't get an invite because they didn't cope at all with parties and it was more distressing for them than it was enjoyable.

PinkButtercups · 10/10/2022 09:35

SD1978 · 10/10/2022 09:22

I will never understand this mindset. If it's only a few kids, different scenario, but we have every girl except one is invited I find that shitty parenting

Yep! I completely agree with this and wouldn't allow this to happen as a parent.

Original poster
allalisha · 10/10/2022 11:36

Yes @Foxesforme I meant this, sorry @TheOccupier. DD was the only one out the 12 girls in her class not to be invited then there were other children invoted too so it certainly wasn't a numbers issue as to why DD wasn't invited.

I have tried to tell myself maybe it was a genuine mistake, maybe the invitation got lost or they just forgot but last year DD was invited to the same girl's party and her parents checked with me on the school run as we see them most mornings and there was nothing this year so I don't really think it was anything like that, I do think she just wasn't invited.

It isn't blatantly obvious that DD is autistic if you haven't spent time with her so I don't think the parents know. Two I have told and one worked at school so is aware but other than that, the parents will only know what the children tell them they see of DD at school.

Like I said, birthday child can invite whoever they like but as others have said, I think it's really, really sh*tty parenting allowing your child to deliberately leave out one child and I am actually a bit mad about that. I wish I was brave enough to ask them but I'm just not. I think if DD knew or was upset, I would find the balls lol but thankfully she doesn't, it's just soft Mummy being upset on her behalf.

Thank you all so much for the support, I really do appreciate it ❤️ Huge hugs to the others mamas that have been there, it is really horrid 🥺 I will have to toughen up a bit though I guess as it is likely to become more frequent and I have to be strong for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
allalisha · 10/10/2022 19:03

Update:

So I saw birthday child's parent on the after school run, couldn't even look at me! We're normally friendly, always say smile and say hi and chat sometimes. They know exactly what they did but don't have the balls to front it out! NOW I'm mad 😂

OP posts:
SunshineClouds1 · 10/10/2022 19:09

Awr I'm really sorry op!

My son is autistic and I'm absolutely dreading this if I'm honest.

It's disgusting tbh that this goes on these days, a handful of girls, totally fine. But one is just nasty imo.

I'm glad your daughter is oblivious to it tbh because it is very hurtful.

I'd also be pissed off that the mum can't look at you. I'd be inclined to say to her I hope your daughter enjoys her party say on Friday if it's the Sat.
Just to let her know, you know. I feel like it's more powerful.