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Parenting

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Strange behaviour from another parent at school

25 replies

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 10:30

There is a lady I met via the school gate that I’ve always got on great with. We have always chatted lots when waiting to drop our children off at school as we are both often early due to the distance we both live from the school/picking them up, our children always got on well and we have actually socialised together a fair few times, both with our children and without. She has always been a little unreliable, as in she has quite a few times cancelled arrangements last minute and often doesn’t respond to messages but when I see her she is always super chatty and keen to make plans, which I have always found confusing. In recent weeks she has ignored any messages I’ve sent her and I am certain she is avoiding me at school - she has started sending her teenage daughter to pick her child up which she has never done. I also saw her in the local coffee shop and she very obviously hurried out before ordering anything. So she is clearly avoiding me. For context I have been nothing but kind to her, my children are nothing but kind to her children (if anything actually her kids can be a bit mean to mine at times but that’s another story!) so it’s not as if I could have done anything to offend her. The first time she went through a stage of ignoring me I worried I had done something wrong but I’ve come to accept she is an unreliable person and I suppose I’ve accepted she is not a good a friend as I had thought she was.
if you were me, would you call her out on this strange behaviour? Or would you just quietly step away from a friendship that clearly was only ever one sided?

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 08/10/2022 10:32

Is it possible it's not you she's avoiding, but everyone?

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 10:46

well I think rushing out of a coffee shop when she noticed me sitting at a table would suggest she was avoiding me!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/10/2022 10:49

Who knows what is going on in her life ? Most likely nothing to do with you at all.

Do what you like, back off or speak to her. But don’t “call her out”, just gently ask if everything is ok as you have noticed she has been a bit distant recently and if there is anything you can do to help.

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TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 10:53

Sorry for context, If this was the first time she had behaved like this, I would definitely be asking if anything was going on/is she ok, but she has literally behaved like this for the 2 years I’ve known her, on off on off on off constantly. I don’t tell my kids about plans we make with her and her kids any more because I can never be sure they will actually come to fruition and I’ve had disappointed children let down at the last minute a few too many times now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/10/2022 10:57

Then just back off. I don’t see what you would gain by making it an issue.

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 11:05

Yes I definitely will. I suppose I wanted perspective from others, if others would also find this behaviour annoying or if it’s just me who isn’t keen on it.

OP posts:
TimeToGoUpAGear · 08/10/2022 11:24

It's annoying but she owes you thing and you her.

Just back off.

Definitely don't 'call her out' on it. You have no idea what's going on with her. She quite possibly would have left that coffee shop if she'd seen anyone she knows. She might be depressed/ struggling with mental health. When I feel like that I don't want to chat and I want to cancel plans I've made because I can't face them.

TimeToGoUpAGear · 08/10/2022 11:24

Owes you 'nothing' that should be!

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 11:29

I guess in addition to my confusion at her one minute suggesting we go on holiday with them at their in-laws holiday home and daily texting, then the next minute out of the blue going silent on me and ignoring messages/ignoring me in the coffee shop all for as far as I can see no reason. I feel a little hurt as I had thought we were “friends” rather than school mum friends.

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 08/10/2022 11:32

Then gently speak to her about it.

IncessantNameChanger · 08/10/2022 11:35

Yes you have every right to be annoyed and hurt by her actions.

If it was man, boyfriend etc what would this behaviour say to you? That for whatever reason right now, he's not that into you.

Yes she might be having a hard time with her personal life, mental health, kids etc, but her behaviour in the coffee shop shows that she doesn't want to reach out to you.

However ignoring your messages I think points to her being a flakey arse who doesn't care for your feelings.

So many friendships with other mums I have had have been for the other mums convenience. As soon as a better fader has come along, or my child moves school, starts to struggle the fair weather friends bugger off.

Unless you want more of the same in a few months I'd be civil but not try to expect anything and only invest as much as you want to potentially get hurt by her behaviour

lljkk · 08/10/2022 11:40

Sounds like the friendship is lost anyway, so I'd ask her to honestly tell me if I did something that upset her.

The truth could be something else unpleasant, she thinks your DH is a pedo, she's having an affair with your DH, her child told her your child was horrible... brace yourself.

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 11:42

I’m a single parent so it’s definitely not husband related!

OP posts:
Yogipineapple123 · 08/10/2022 11:42

She is a bad friend.

I understand why you would want to say something to her. There could be nothing going on in her life.

Or maybe there is something going on. Typically, friends would deal with this by telling you something is going on.

I can see why you’re confused. I think if you asked her what was up she would probably deny anything was. So I’d just leave it and quietly step away.

I am coloured by a similar experience -

I have a friend who is the same as the person you have described. Sadly, she has done it to our entire friendship group and has now largely lost our friendship. When I and other friends have asked her if anything is wrong she’s told us nothing is. She then continues with odd behaviour that only a bad friend would do. Given she’s said nothing is up, all we can do is just believe she’s a bad friend.

orangeisthenewpuce · 08/10/2022 11:43

She's not a friend and never was. She's a pain in backside. Just forget her, she not worth your time thinking about her.

JonSnowedUnder · 08/10/2022 11:48

She could be having a really tough time, maybe she panicked in the coffee shop as didn't feel up to talking to some she knows?

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/10/2022 11:49

AnyFucker · 08/10/2022 10:57

Then just back off. I don’t see what you would gain by making it an issue.

This. Leave her alone she clearly doesn't want to be such close friends.

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/10/2022 11:50

orangeisthenewpuce · 08/10/2022 11:43

She's not a friend and never was. She's a pain in backside. Just forget her, she not worth your time thinking about her.

Or maybe the OP is the pain in the backside and the other woman likes her own company and wants to be left in peace.

RudsyFarmer · 08/10/2022 11:51

I quite enjoy these scenarios. I try and ignore them as much as possible in return and usually they start talking to me again down the line 🤣

CaptainMyCaptain · 08/10/2022 11:52

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 11:29

I guess in addition to my confusion at her one minute suggesting we go on holiday with them at their in-laws holiday home and daily texting, then the next minute out of the blue going silent on me and ignoring messages/ignoring me in the coffee shop all for as far as I can see no reason. I feel a little hurt as I had thought we were “friends” rather than school mum friends.

I'm sorry. I've just read this post and it does seem odd. I can only assume she has something else going on in her life. Possibly even mental health problems that cause extreme mood swings.

I would still say leave her alone.

EfficientDynamics · 08/10/2022 11:54

The fact that you refer to her as a lady at the school gates and not as a friend says a lot, after all this is somebody you've socialized with without the kids

If that's not a friend then what is?

You obviously don't see her as a friend. I would just go back to saying hello at the school gates. Keep it simple and stop everything else, there's something weird going on, don't invest your time in her from now on

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 11:58

@CaptainMyCaptain I’ve genuinely been nothing but nice to her. Each time she’s behaved like this I’ve been gracious and not questioned her other than to check she’s ok. Any time she’s ever mentioned being stressed out about anything I’ve sat and listened, given what advice I could, took her round her favourite biscuits and bought her a bunch of flowers once when she had the flu, any time she’s asked if I could pick her children up from school for her I have, I’ve just generally just tried to be a nice friend.
When I think about it I suppose it’s telling that she doesn’t seem to have other friends. When she talks about friends other than fellow school mums she usually says “I once had this friend who…..”
so I suppose I can take that as she has form for dropping friends?

OP posts:
Anniefrenchfry · 08/10/2022 11:58

I also find your phrasing odd. You say this is a lady you got chatting to at the school gates and chatted lots, now she’s your Bessie. You need to be clear.

TestingTesting100 · 08/10/2022 12:01

@Anniefrenchfry
sorry I suppose that’s because I’m not clear if she’s my friend or not! 😂
I would have previously referred to her as a friend, because that’s how I saw her. But all this strange behaviour (over a period of time) has made me question if it is actually a friendship or if I’m an idiot who’s been embarrassing herself the whole time thinking we were friends when it was never really reciprocated.

OP posts:
FTstepmum · 08/10/2022 12:04

I think captain is right - this smacks of poor MH.

People with chronic depression or anxiety often go through phases of being terrified of engaging with other people - even people they know well.

It's crippling. I know it for myself. There's no rational reason for it - but it can even feel too hard to even look another person in the eye.

I would:

a) definitely not take it personally and
b) text her to say you're there if she ever needs an ear

Be the support she might need. And if it turns out that she is a two-faced cow (unlikely) then at least you can leave the friendship knowing you've handled it kindly.

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