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Original poster

WHy do I feel so guilty?

27 replies

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 09:18

I asked DH to get up with DD this morning and to give her a bottle of EBM, so that I could have a lay in. DH did get up with DD (albeit in a foul mood) but I couldn't lay in, I got up about 10 mins after he did and fed DD myself and then I cleaned and tidied everywhere.

DH is now in a foul mood and probably will be for the rest of the day. He is usually so good with DD, and does all the work with her when he gets home in the evenings (all I have to do is feed her) but he hates mornings.

All I wanted was a lay in till about 10am, but I wouldn't even allow myself that because I feel guilty that DH has got up with her and that he is feeding her when it is my responsibility.

Does anyone else feel guilty when you get chance for a break?

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Acinonyx · 26/01/2008 09:23

Would it help to have a system where he knows he has one day (or more) where he has to get up? I am terrible in the mornings and dh gets up every day with dd except Sunday. I know the score every Sunday so I just get on with it - and one day a week is really not too much to ask! And dh plays and baths dd after work too (I put her to bed).

cherryredretrochick · 26/01/2008 09:27

Guilt comes with nbeing a mother I am afraid. You need to have a worked out system to overcome this. Also feeding your daughter is never an only, it is the most demanding thing there is. Go back to bed now and that is an order.

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 09:35

Thanks for the quick responses.

Acinonyx, I only ever ask DH to do this one day a week at the weekend, TBH I have only just started to ask him. He will get out of bed any do it but I feel so god damn guilty. It's like I am a bad mum neglecting my DD for not getting up with her.

Cherry, I feel guilt all the time, I knew I would just not to this extent. I feel guilty if I go for a relaxing bath when DH gets in. I feel guilty when my mum or DH takes over for a couple of hours just so I can have some time when DD is not my sole responsibility. I't feels like I dont deserve any help or time to myself.
I would love to go back to bed but I am wide awake now

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Karen999 · 26/01/2008 09:37

Can you not come to some sort of agreement re the weekends? Me and DP each get a lie in at the weekend, me on a Sat and him on a Sun....that way we both get a turn and there is no arguing about it.

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 09:53

Karen, that is what we have started doing, he will get up on either a sat or a sun with DD, but it is me with the problem, I feel so guilty about letting DH do that. I feel that it is my responsibility to get up with DD every morning.

I am the one with the problem (even if DH is in a fowl mood after he has got up early). I love early mornings but I cant even allow myself a lay in one day at the weekend cos I feel so guilty about it. I feel that DD is my responsibility and no one else's and that I shouldn't have any time to myself. I know this is daft cos everyone needs time to themselves. I just cant let myself IYSWIM.

DD having been fed and changed is now asleep in DH's arms and I am on here, but I feel so guilty about it.

Gawwdd I waffling now, I bet I sound a bit deranged this morning. I feel a bit deranged this morning, I don't know whats the matter with me at the mo!!!!

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Karen999 · 26/01/2008 09:54

Well if you feel guilty, what about trying to get a little kip in the day....ask dh to look after lo for an hour or so....that way you can still get up in the morning but catch up a little in the day....

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 10:01

Good idea Karen, sorry about that last post I got waffling a bit there. It's the 3rd year anniversary of my grandads death today and I am all over the place at the mo.

Thanks for listening.

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Acinonyx · 26/01/2008 10:05

Molly - nip this in the bud asap. You must establish that dh has equal parenting responsibilities early on or you Will Be Sorry! He should be able to do all the things you do for your dc - he is just IS her father. Don't get too possessive about it. Willing as he is, if you keep wanting to do it all - you will eventaully be left doing it all and his realtionship with your dc will suffer.

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 10:15

Acinonyx, DH is more than willing to do his fair share and I am more than willing to let him, but I just cant get over the horrible amount of guilt I feel associated with it.

I literally have to make myself go out for a walk with the dogs sometimes just so that I get some 'me' time.

I don't think I am explaining my self very well, sorry.

I just didn't expect to feel this guilty, over something as stupid as having time to myself.

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Acinonyx · 26/01/2008 10:30

But the guilt is all part of seeing yourself as The Only Real Parent in this situation. That's what I'm getting at. I think this is something most mothers feel but need to keep in check unless they are single mums.

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 10:41

Oh I see where you are coming from. I know I need to stop it and keep it in check. DH has a wonderful relationship with DD now and I hope that they both continue to have a wonderful relationship.

This is something I need to deal with isn't it. I hope I'm not being greedy with her.

I think I may leave DH with a couple of bottle of EBM and go and spend some time with my nana today. Let DH have some one on one time with DD.

I will go out, I will go out

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Acinonyx · 26/01/2008 10:45

That's the ticket. My dh is out at the library and swimming with dd while I er, work/mn.

cherryredretrochick · 26/01/2008 11:20

I find the gym is the best place to get real me time, you can't possibly feel guilty about going to the gym can you

DontlookatmeImshy · 26/01/2008 11:33

I used to feel guilty when I started asking dh to get up one of the weekend days so i could get a lie in. After a while it becomes 'normal' and I pretty much take it for granted that he WILL get up now. Trust me, if you set down some ground rules eg you get Saturday lie in and dh gets Sunday, or whatever suits you, the guilt soon wears off

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 17:59

LOL Cherry, I have been making enquiries about joining a gym that is close to me, they have a really good creche there and parent and baby swimming classes.

Acinonyx, I sometimes don't feel that guilty while I am on mn, dont know why that is though , maybe it's because I am too pre-ocupied to care

Dontlookatmeimshy, how long did it take for the guilt to ware off??

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Tommy · 26/01/2008 18:08

This morning I desperatly needed a lie-in (feeling ill as well as being up twice in night feeding DS3) so I just said to DH "Can you take him downstairs and I'll do it tomorrow" - making it clear that he gets his lie in tomorrow - only 2 days at the weekend so you can't both have 2 lie-ins!

agree with the guilt - it comes with the territory - although DHs have their part to play by not making you feel that you should be grateful every time they look afer their children while you do somehting else

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 26/01/2008 18:10

To be fair you chose to get up 10 minutes later. You deserve a break and you should have taken it. You will feel guilty for the rest of your life once you are a mother so you have to take any chances while you can.

Take it in turns at the weekend to have lie ins. One week you Sat/him Sun the next the other way around.

helenelisabeth · 26/01/2008 20:59

In our house, DH gets up with DC if I have had a particularly bad night BF our 4 mth old as, he still gets a full nights sleep (he'll go in the spare bed if she's particularly noisy).

Do not feel guilty, I spent the whole of the first year of DD1's life feeling guilty (never left her side for 11 months, literally) and I pay for it now, she is 5 and will not let anyone do anything for her bar me. I vowed I would not be the same with number 2.

You enjoy a bit of time to yourself, you deserve it. The problem is, a man never quite understands how hard being a mother is, they think its all coffee mornings and giggly babies. Little do they know...

Original poster

GoodGollyMissMolly · 26/01/2008 21:09

Thanks for the replies.

TBH having or not having a lie in doesn't bother me, but I really needed it this morning and wouldn't allow myself to have it as I felt guilty, it's weird isn't it the way you seem to punish yourself for taking a break that you know you well deserve.

Lol Nab, do you really feel this way fro the rest of your life when you have become a mum? I was hoping it would ware off a bit as DD got older.

Helen, I really don't want DD to be so dependent on me that she will only let me do things fro her and no one else. I really need to get myself in check don't I !!
I hope I am able to 'let go' some of this guilt.

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sparklylucy · 26/01/2008 21:22

I always feel guilty (have 3dcs) on rational days I know that I cant be superwoman and be all things to all people but on other days I feel guilty as sin that I would like some ME time. I have a friend with 4 grown up dcs who says that the guilt never goes away so you may as well stop worrying about it!!! Dont know how that helps, but you are not alone in how you feel!!

meep · 26/01/2008 21:27

the guilt does eventually go away Goodgooly! I usedt o be just like you - but now I look forward to my one long lie a week! And if I can't sleep then I enjoy reading my book for an hour. My dd is now 6.5mo and I think I only got comfortable with things by about 3/4 months. I still don't manage to have quite as long a lie as DH, but I'm getting better at it

choccypig · 26/01/2008 21:32

I used to find the same problem, and the solution is that he has to get up and TAKE HER OUT. At least I think that would be the soluiton DP never would take DS on his own, till he was about 5.5 Just total lack of confidence in his own ability to look after his own son. FGS ! Nowadays I don't feel guilty enough to get up, but later I GET VERY CROSS INDEED with DP who just turns on computer or TV and DOESN't EVEN GIVE HIM BREAKFAST . THe caps are me screaming...

choccypig · 26/01/2008 21:32

choccypig · 26/01/2008 21:34

So cross I posted it twice!

pevie · 26/01/2008 21:36

This is quite timely for me. My DH gets up most mornings with dd1 and 2 cos I am up at least twice in the night. She wont accept anyone else at night really as she is bf but is okay once I've fed her in morning. I occasionally get up if night not been too bad. i do feel guilty about it at times as I wish DH could get lie in more often but he doesnt have to get up in night so its only fare. Last night we had realy hellish night so DH was kept up a bit too but he still got up this morning as he hadnt been pacing the floor and hadnt woken later in night too. He also goes away for work so gets to have nice peaceful nights in hotels quite often whilst I have never had a break from DD2 who is now 9 mths. Anyway he is out late tonight (I have never been out past 11) so I guess I'll be getting up tomorrow morning!!!! I really hate it as I usually have only had about 5 or 6 hours sleep at most but I guess needs must.

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