Very intense 3 year old

[Albabell1981]

M 3 year old has always been high needs. Every day is a battle with not let up and myself and husband are beyond exhausted.

We struggle to take her into public places as she has major temper tantrums and throws herself on the floor screaming. She also likes to run in the road and in front of cars and a couple of times I’ve pulled her arm out her socket in pure fear, pulling her from the road.

She does not listen when we try and discipline her and often we are screaming her name to get her to listen, get dressed, eat dinner so much so it’s scaring our 1 year old son who hates it when we raise our voice, but our daughter doesn’t care.

She struggles to play on her own and constantly wants our attention and wants us to play with her. We are always consistent in our approach in discipline, we are way past offering choices or the naughty step btw!! She couldn’t care less about choices.

Ive also had a few comments from other parents about how’s she’s energy draining or why did I have another child when my daughter is so difficult type of questions.

Has anybody else been through this? What helped ? I’m getting really desperate now. I’ve never taken her for an ice cream and going to a supermarket is just impossible, it would be nice to do these things with her but she’s too unpredictable.

im also starting to wonder what she might be like when she’s older, her personality is just so intense. Has anybody had a similar experience but their child managed to grow out of it?

any help is much appreciated

I don't have any advice for you other than I'm sure it will pass but have you considered reins for when you are out and about to keep her safe from the roads?

Reins.
getting down to her level, having her look at you. Give one instruction - put your shoes on. Only one instruction at a time.
stop shouting - it clearly isn’t working.
children don’t care after a while as long as they get attention.
Three year olds are too young for choices- for many it overwhelms them. That’s your job to make the choices for her.
other wise could you ask the health visitor for some advice?
I would also have quite a strong routine so she knows what to expect. So at home with bedtimes, meal times eg get up breakfast, get dressed teeth, playtime, go for a walk etc - so she knows what to expect.
when out the routine is that she is either on reins or holds hands - unless in enclosed area like a play park. It’s a constant rule. She can make simple choices eg do you want your water bottle for a drink. But not do you want water or orange juice. She can choose the slide or the swings.
My DS would get overwhelmed in busy places - supermarkets/busy streets and would just run. It was very frightened. So the rule was we always held hands and we chatted. This continued for quite some time - 7 or 8 years old.
And be in nature. Parks/woods/by the river. More space to absorb any shouting, good for exercise and fun.
Also what is she like if she goes to nursery etc? If she does that’s a point worth considering

I recognise this behaviour from my own son.

My advise is to contact your HV, with a list of meltdowns, what caused them, and how long it took to calm down. Note if there is a pattern to any triggers, work out if you think your parenting style is consistent or you parent similarly to your friends and their children are different to yours?

If anything like my child offer constant choices.

We're going near the road, do you want to hold my hand tight or get in a buggy/reins.

Ask why the roads are an issue? Noise, not understood danger, impulsive thoughts?

All behaviours are developmentally normal, its just how long they stay in these stages for and to the extremes they go eg all kids will have a tantrum over wanting to press the button at the green man, but one will get over it in 30 seconds, another is still upset 45 minutes later. Good luck.

Maybe ask the GP if you can be referred for an assessment. Not saying there is anything there but good to rule things out so you can focus!

This sounds tough.
My first bit of advice is stuff what people say about your child, focus on her and you.
Second is to talk to health visitor, say you need support and a plan to be consistent with your child.
Third, stop shouting. It will just give her attention she is craving. Firm voice, firm words- your yes means yes and your no means no. Keep repeating that.

Another thought- could you practise social situations at home?
For example: say I want to take you to have an ice cream.
This is what happens at an ice cream shop. Explain clearly and then practise with her teddies.
Then explain that if this, this or this (negative behaviour) was to happen you will go straight home.
Keep practicing and if it goes well in real life- praise intensely and then plan your next trip.

I also try the 'just give them half an hour'. If my lo is acting up and I've got a to-do list a mile long instead of getting irritated by whining I give them half an hour of time, no looking at phone, no sneaking of to put a wash on but half an hour of pure me.
When it's up I explain to them I will do certain chores then I will be back for another half an hour. It amazes me how nicely she'll play after that for a long time and I can whizz around and do some chores.

Also with the getting dressed what helps with my little girl (if you have the time) is that I read her a page of a book then she has to put one item of clothing on, then another page, another item and so on. I've no idea if it's setting her off on the wrong path but since doing that she gets dressed, has her shower and does lots of things just in little segments at a time.

My child was the same, the most intense child in the world, I was almost passing out as couldn't even sit and have a drink. Couldn't go out, it was just too intense. As he grew up it became obvious he is in the "gifted" category and I believe this explains his behaviour earlier on. He's so easy these days compared to other children his age now.

Seconding asking the HV/GP/nursery for referral for assessment for ASD (ADHD they won't assess for till 6 ish)

DD is quite intense, likely autistic, she's mellowed out a bit recently but for that to happen we've had to reduce demands on her a lot, nursery was a big demand so that's gone now which hasn't been an easy option. Friends have seen how intense she can be and are a bit but honestly mostly what they see is still not the full force, how easy some other children are is so strange (DS included, he's 1 too)

What you describe doesn't sound like a tantrum it sounds like a meltdown.

I think gentle parenting techniques would help and maybe routine cards might help, some people struggle with auditory input and screaming isn't a good solution.

Supermarkets are a sensory nightmare btw, try and click and collect or online shop or go without her or use a smaller one (the huge sainsburys near me is hard for a few adults I know so not surprising that it set DD off)

Thanks for all your messages.

we tried the reins over the last 1.5 years, but she screams and sits on the floor refusing to get up. It’s very exhausting. Even if she sees them now she has a major meltdown before I’ve even put them on!

the problem we have is that she doesn’t listen, so trying to get her to hold the pushchair or talk her through situations is challenging , as she seems to have a short attention span and starts dancing or running away when you try and talk to her. The first time I was ever able to read her a book was only 2 months ago from start to finish. Trying to get her to sit down and enjoy a book has always been stressful and it took 3.5 years to do it. She also is not able to sit down and eat dinner without getting up multiple times to play with her toys, switch the Tv on, dance around etc.

we are constantly trying to talk her through situations using words she will
understand, after a while you are so exhausted and frustrated you shout because you have literally ran out of options. But agree it doesn’t work.

I like the sound of the routine cards. I will research these, I am constantly trying to figure out if she needs to see a doctor or if she will grow out of it, but I am obsessed at looking at other mums outside with children the same age as my daughter and thinking, how can that child be near a main road, how is that child in a shop or holding their mums hand or standing quietly next to their mum. I find it amazing other children can do this.

both my children are in full time nursery as I work full time. So at least I get a break in the week!

Hi there

may I ask how is your daughter now?

eleni

Hi there, she’s 5 years old now and started school last week. I’ve always had a feeling school will balance her out and she absolutely loves it as she was complaining she was bored at the kindergarten. They have various different lessons in the day and she loves going to the different classes. She needs constant stimulation so this structure suits her. Whilst all the other children were clinging to their parents and upset on their first day, she skipped into the class and started exploring the books snd games laid out and didn’t even say bye to us. Nothing seems to phase her. She still hard work and wild, but we can take her out in public now and she understands the rules of the road.

she gets often gets moody but she still has a lot of energy and curious about everything, her listening is better but not all the time. My son who is younger is just completely different, hes so quiet and polite. If I’d had him first, i would have thought parenting was a walk in the park!

I would never go back to those toddler days with her, was quite a dark and isolating time in our lives. Just glad I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. One thing I have noticed is she seems extremely intelligent. Already speaking 2 languages and now learning her 3rd. Not sure if there is a link to the behaviours we experienced when she was younger, still trying to work it out