Tired toddler after increasing hours at work

[LunaNova]

Since my DD was born I have worked from home with her (with my employer's permission). I started going back into the office 1 day a week when she was 18 months old and now she's 2.5 years old and I've just increased my office days to 3 days a week. She spends 2 days with grandparents and 1 day a week with our Childminder (she's been going there for a year).

She's sooooo tired and I don't know how to help her, she has been so grumpy all day at the Childminder's today and won't play since we got home about an hour ago. She's even had a toilet accident which she hasn't had for around 3 months.

Our normal routine on Childminder days has been that we get home about 4:45, have a little snack and juice while I cook dinner, eat about 6 when DH gets home and then we have playtime (which she's usually really excited for) until bedtime at 7:30pm. She seems far too exhausted for any of that tonight.

We've had some difficulty getting her to sleep in an evening (no longer naps) which we've not had until recently and bedtime has been more like 9pm, this is also having a knock on effect on her wake time and she's often still tired in a morning which isn't helping.

Is this level of tiredness to be expected with a new routine (only our second week of doing this) or do I need to do more to help her get the rest she needs? If it's normal, how long did the phase last?

Missing my fun loving girl!

Yes i think it's normal although mine is at nursery which i think would be more tiring than a home based environment. We put our DD, who is almost 4, to bed at 6.45ish and she sleeps through till 7 which i think helps. But they do get more used to it over time.

Move her bedtime forward by an hour. Either ask the CM to give her dinner and get her into her pjs, so all you have to do is story and bed, or, batch cook and instead of snack and juice, give her dinner as soon as you get home.
This is all normal for her age.
You are keeping her up too long.

Thanks both!

@NCandatingcrisps I've been trying to bring her bedtime earlier but so far it's not been working, when she was napping she needed about 12 hours total sleep per 24 hours, she would have 1 hour nap and then would sleep 8:30pm - 7:30am and I had no issues. Bedtime became an issue and we dropped the nap and then she went to 7:30pm - 7:30am no issues. Now I'm getting her to bed for 7:30pm (with a view to hopefully getting it earlier) but she's just refusing to sleep at all until about 9pm even though she says she's tired.

Possibly coincidentally at the same time as the Change in routine I think she's having nightmares (she screams out in the night and I used to have night terrors as a kid) so I'm not sure if this is feeding into the sudden sleep refusal. We've never had issues with sleep before so I'm at a bit of a loss with it.

She's already eaten tonight so I'm gonna try and get her in bed soon, but I'm not sure if she'll actually sleep.

You have too much going on during what should be quiet, winding down time. She is going into overdrive. This is very normal.

I'll try and dial it back, by playtime though I don't mean we run around doing physically stimulating activities. We tend to do some colouring, play with blocks, puzzles or sticker books but I appreciate maybe she's just mentally knackered though normally the activity choice is led by her rather than us.

She's not done anything since getting home today, about to try bedtime so fingers crossed she gets some rest.

Bring dinner, bath and bed much earlier. This may mean you need to reheat something. If she is not napping then 6 is too late for dinner.

Bring her home, dinner, then bath or books- basically calming down time- bed at 7.
the playing etc, however calm you think it is is stimulating for a young child. Also I wouldn’t wait to eat as a family, too late for a young child after a full day of activity.

I would bring everything forward.

6 seems pretty late for dinner for a non napping child, but may just be me.

My 2.5 year old would lose his shit if he didn't have dinner until 6 I'm lucky if I can get him to 5pm before having dinner. He does still nap for an hour at lunch which is becoming a struggle at times but if he naps he sleeps through and if he doesn't nap he wakes up multiple times in the night so I don't think he's quite ready to give it up yet. Bedtime is a bit of struggle but he is still usually asleep by 8. I agree with everyone else bring everything forward she sounds absolutely beyond tired.

On the topic of playing, we've always found that if we don't play with her before bed, she won't go to sleep because she's too busy trying to chat to us for the missing connection during the day. She's always slept better after a short play.

She's also always been low sleep needs, and up until this past two weeks our routine has worked fine. The only difference is that she now spends 2 days a week with grandparents (who do the same, if not less, activity with her than I do when I'm at home), obviously the different environment could be extra stimulation.

The main issue is that she's fighting sleep at night (I think due to the change in routine of now going to grandparents twice a week) so not going to bed at the usual 7:30 so not getting 12 hours sleep. I've currently been sat with her for over an hour and she's still showing no signs of sleeping even though she's clearly tired.

Like I mentioned I've been aiming to gradually get her to sleep earlier (as ideally 7-7 would work better for us in a few months time) but she's not even going to sleep at her usual time at the minute.

I'll try some suggestions next week (I'm off now until Monday) to see if it helps with bringing her bedtime earlier.

She's overtired. And I wouldn't stick too rigidly to 'sleep needs' that you have worked out. Things change.
I agree with PP that 6pm dinner is too late for a non-napping toddler after a busy day.
Ideally I'd move everything much earlier on childminder/grandparent days, but if you can't then I would make sure you do it on home days when you have more control - bring everything forward. Or let her nap on her first day at home (my toddler used to nap the day after his 3 days of childcare, even though he didn't the rest of the time - he needed it).
She's not up till 9 because she doesn't need the sleep, she's up till 9 because she's overtired.
It will take time to adjust her sleep, I wouldn't give up yet. I would aim for childcare days to be basically dinner +/- wind down, bath bed asap. She'll get used to an earlier bed time with time.
Clocks going back might help you out too.

I think the "I've been sat with her for more than an hour now" is also a bit of a clue/issue...Why are you staying with her if it's bedtime? It might be that she's wanting to stay awake and have that more time with you (no judgement here at all on you having to work/use childcare etc, just wondering if that's what's going on) So maybe you need to get more into the routine of bedtime story and goodnight and leaving her to sleep - so she knows she's not missing out on time with mummy if she goes to sleep because bedtime means just bedtime and that's that?

No I get it that things change, I'm just saying that I think she wouldn't be overtired if she was getting her usual 12 hours at night which she isn't currently getting because of the sudden sleep refusal, if that makes sense?

I do offer her a nap, on my days at home we have an hour in the afternoon where we have quiet time in her bedroom, we sit on the bed and usually read some books but she rarely takes the opportunity to nap and if she does it's usually 10 mins or so. My parents do the same on her days with them. She's never napped at the Childminder's even when she first started going.

I think my main concern is that it's not just the change in routine causing the sleep refusal and that it's something more "sinister" (for want of a better word). I had crippling sleep terrors as a kid to the point where I used to sob at the thought of sleeping, I sleep walked/talked and it got to the point where I was a huge insomniac until my teens. Hence why I was wondering how long it takes kids to get used to a change in routine in case I need to explore deeper.

She is at the peak age for night terrors. That is a very common phase. You can do lots of research on that. However, overtiredness makes night terrors much, much worse. So you need to deal with both and the overtiredness and over stimulation is easier and should be addressed first.
Lots of experienced mums are all saying the same thing here.
The thing about small children is that everything is a phase. Nothing stays the same. As soon as you establish a routine, they start a growth spurt, start teething, start developing a new skill and everything goes out the window and you start again.
Try the calm, quiet routine with a much earlier dinner and bed time.
Read up about night terrors.
It will be ok.

The clocks are changing soon which you can maybe use to your advantage to bring bedtime forward. Is she refusing sleep because she misses you? I think you are right to consider this might also be about nightmares though, as days with (presumably familiar) grandparents doesn't sound like that big a change. Hopefully it will settle down for her soon.

Good point about the clocks changing, I can maybe use that to my advantage!

I'm fortunate in that I still get home at a reasonable time after work so bringing things forward shouldn't be too difficult if that works for her.

Going to try some ideas over the next week to see if I can get her back on track.

It did occur to me tonight that we have also started leaving a nightlight on for her (which may have coincided with the start of the sleep refusal but I can't quite remember, it's also a recent change). She had been asking for the light to stay on (it's a red light so shouldn't inhibit sleep in that respect) and before we left the light on she was waking in the middle of the night screaming that it was dark and being generally inconsolable. I might try and see if she'll let me switch the light off while she gets to sleep and then I can put it on once she's asleep in case she wakes in the night (when the light is on she puts herself back to sleep) to see if that changes things.

Kids like to keep us on our toes that's for sure!

Has she already got all her teeth? She’s about the right age for back teeth coming in and with DD it affected her sleep for a while, the molars are apparently the worst pain wise. Might explain fighting sleep and the waking up.

@Namechanger965 I hadn't even thought about that. She's been pretty late getting all her teeth so she doesn't have her back teeth yet, she has been a bit fussy with her food recently (unlike her!) too so maybe something to keep in mind.

I think there's a lot of space between where you are, and having a parasomnia, though I understand your own history is making you twitchy.
You have overtiredness which can be addressed first and will I'm sure make all the other aspects better too.
It's completely developmentally normal to start being more afraid of the dark and requesting lights on/more input from Mummy/Daddy.
It's meeting their need for comfort and sleep in a boundaried way - and where your boundaries are is a personal judgment/parenting call.
If she finds the light comforting it wouldn't be one of the things I would rush to change.
I agree with PP she might be 'staying up' because you're there, but everyone's bedtime routine is different and again, personal.