Running out of ideas for my bright but giddy 9 year old son

[olivehater]

To give a full history my bright but difficult eldest son is atopic and was hospitalised from very young frequently for various things such as severe eczema, asthma, viral wheeze etc. He is very naturally bright , high achiever in maths, top of the leader board in chess club etc. Very sporty and active. I have him in every sport going to keep him challenged football, parkour, tennis, running.

He is regularly in trouble at school mostly for going too far in rough play with his mates. Occasionally disruptive in class when he has finished his work. His teachers all say the same thing. He isn’t naturally nasty just does stupid impulsive things. Gets wound up, excited. He is difficult at home, often going too far with his younger siblings. I think if he had been second or third born life might have been easier but as he is the eldest he is bigger and stronger and he sets the tone. ie struggles to stay at the table once he has eaten and the others want to copy him. He is fidgety, hyper. Can’t bear to be still. Unless he has a screen but he has addictive tendencies with screens so I try my best to limit but sometimes it’s the only way to get any peace. I find I am increasingly just screaming at him and I hate that. I am not the parent I thought I would be. I was always a calm easy going person before children. I am at work. But when parents of calm children say things like I need to set boundaries etc I feel like sending him to live with them for a weeks to understand.
We went down the adhd route at nursery where they said he was normal. Every time I bring it up with teachers they say no it’s not that. I feel like at least if he had a “label” people would understand more. Toying with the idea of going down that road again but don’t know where to start. Every time I think about it he seems to calm down a bit and I think well maybe he just needs to grow up a bit.
I would like to add that when not on one he is such a funny, charming and loving boy. He has lots of friends, boys and girls. And they all seem to adore him.

Bump

So what are the boundaries or consequences at home for him if he does go too far and hurt a sibling for example?

Is it a case of 'picking your battles', e.g. staying at the table after he's eaten. Or what are the rewards for doing it or consequence for not doing it?

Go down the ADHD route again OP. I have had similar with my DS in that he was seen and discharged with no concerns when he was almost 5, but he's almost 7 now and I'm not convinced he is "typical". School had to refer him but they didn't have to fill in a detailed questionnaire or anything, just a simple form - I asked and they were willing to do it. If your DS' school refuse, ask on what grounds. They are not the experts.

Punishments are removal of screen privelages ( the only thing that upsets him) and being sent to his room which doesn’t bother him anyway. If I say he can’t go to a sports club he isn’t bothered. That just costs me more money for nothing. The dinner table thing for instance he will start lying down, crying , banging on the table etc. until she gets his way or I end up losing my temper.

He gets his way

Is it possible that you are trying to get him to fit in with 'standard' ways of doing things that actually don't work for him?

For example, staying at the table after he finishes eating. Does it really matter if he does that? Is he old enough and sensible enough to entertain himself elsewhere after he has finished. Is this really a battle worth fighting?

I would be tempted to tell him he will be allowed to leave the table after he has finished eating so long as he doesn't do anything naughty and he stops encouraging his siblings to leave.

If you are fighting over lots of smaller things like this in an attempt to get him to fit in with the 'right/traditional/proper' way to bring up a child you are going to lose your shit before you get to any of the big stuff.

Plus that way leaving the table after eating (something he wants) can be a privilege that can be removed if he does other things wrong

But I would pursue the ADHD route again too

Have you tried a wobble cushion, or chair leg elastics, on the kitchen chairs? ie fidget toys on a grand scale. Or fidget toys on a hand held scale?

Increasingly I think the consequence is of little importance, perhaps with compliant children.

Does he respond to rewards or praise? It’s so hard I know. But I’m wondering if you could try to get him on side and explain he is the role model and every time he does something right really praise him (I know, I know …!) and have ‘discussions’ with his dad while he’s there about how fabulous he was, how helpful and so on.

It just seems more effective than consequences and telling offs sometimes.

Go down ADHD route again.

My eldest was exactly as you describe. I was fobbed off, when I raised ADHD concerns at primary school, with “summer born boy”. He was so so bright and so sparky (and sporty). Effortlessly popular. He got away with a lot because teachers liked him and he was capable so got good grades with little effort.

He is now 17, has just dropped out of his A-levels and smokes weed - every day I’m sure- and I’m pretty sure he is addicted. I think he is self-medicating as it does calm him (I don’t condone this by the way! But powerless to ground a kid of his age really or to follow him around)

He couldn’t concentrate at college, he couldn’t decide what he wanted, he struggled to organise himself. He is addicted to his phone, really really addicted. He has lost interest in sports. He seems so dull and apathetic and I can’t see his spark.

(As it happens, I received an adult ADHD diagnosis a few years ago and I take medication. It presented differently in me though as not physically hyperactive. I know so much more about it now.)

His youngest sibling has just been diagnosed as autistic and is awaiting ADHD assessment. This time I ignored school when they toot me there was nothing to worry about. I fought SO hard to get get assessed and to get school support and am angry with myself for not doing that for him. I have two other DC who are not neurodivergent - this isn’t about parenting or consequences, it’s about having a brain that is wired differently from the norm.

As it is now, we are waiting until DS1’s 18th to get him straight on adult waiting list as it’s much simpler than a child diagnosis. I just hope it isn’t too late for him to get back on track.

He sounds like he has ADHD. Both my sons do. Their schools have never ever had any idea (we re not in the UK - diagnosis was based on numerous assessments, not on info from the school).

Knowing about the ADHD made our home life soooo much easier. Cos we as adults altered our expectations around our DC.

Who cares if DS2 gets up and dances mid meal? He gets it out his system and then finishes his meal.

When in restaurants we make them run around outside beforehand, then they know to sit at the table for the meal. And we know not to take too long!

There are lots of other adjustments we ve made. We still have rules and consequences. But we pick our battles and honestly everyone is so much happier now.

I do praise him a lot too and he does respond better to praise. He does a lot for attention I think. For instance when his young brother was getting a hair cut today he behaved appallingly, refusing to share the phone with his sister so when I took it off both of them he kept hitting me when I was in the barbers, making me feel humiliated.
I guess I feel a lot of judgement from other people and feel like I have to discipline him. All of his cousins are girls who sit nicely and don’t step out of line and in-laws look at me like I am bad mother when he doesn’t conform.
The dinner table thing is just an example. And in all honestly it doesn’t happen that often as we are all so busy and he often eats separately as he is allergic to a lot of food and fussy, so he often has a separate meal.
I know that I am not but people do judge. Even a few times on here I’ve posted about things I’ve been met with such nastiness.
My other two are generally well behaved and never in trouble at school . He is so bright, so full of charm and extremely loving. The teachers all adore him despite everything. It does worry me he won’t channel it properly when he is older.

Fish out. Your issues now are what I fear for for the future.

I probably do need to go down that route again. Just feel exhausted at the moment. Fun ing family life, work, sick in-laws. I just keep avoiding it.

Teachers can’t diagnose ADHD so it’s kinda irrelevant what they think. Pursue it.

I really sympathise OP, with the feeling judged on your child/parenting. I feel like this a lot. You then almost over compensate by being too harsh, which makes the child behave worse, and it becomes a vicious circle.

Sounds like he needs active parental engagement with things outside of screens. He does all those activities but does it feel to him like he is being dumped?

Do you or his father participate and do things with him? Or do you drop him and let him get on with it? What are you doing activity wise as a family?
Are you letting him ‘play fight’ until someone gets hurt or stopping rough and tumble as soon as it starts? That gives a very confusing message about it being OK to fight until you’ve had enough.
What is he doing job wise? What responsibilities does he have? Not earning an income, obviously but feeding the dog, laying the table, clearing the table etc?
What positive/ rewards is he getting? That’s far more important than sanctions. Parents need to be ever forgiving and children need to know love is unconditional, but that not all behaviours are acceptable. Catch him being good, notice him. Reward with words as often as possible.
Does he have good male role models in his life? Does he get 121 time with them?

My son has different issues, but, we just dump rules that don't work/are more effort than they are worth, in favour of routines that do work for us.

Eg. the table thing - rather than have him sit there, if you want to enforce politeness, have him ask to leave when he's finished, take his plate to the kitchen. A reasonable accommodation for someone who struggles sitting with nothing to do, and not something that will be a problem with siblings, well, unless it's that they want to leave before they've finished eating so they leave at the same time - I've been there - I'd treat that as a separate issue with them, or make it part of the deal that your eldest has to do something quiet in another room until everyone's finished so he's less distracting.

Try following active activities with methodical or sorting type ones, raking/ jig saws/ lego then transition into a calm activity, maybe a story.

Speak to the school and see if they can/will facilitate movement breaks.

Good luck!

We do allsorts together, go on bike rides, walks, go to the park at least once every weekend where we often stay for hours while the dads and lads kick a football about. We are lucky enough to have a big garden so he and his dad play football outside most Evenings. He is definitely not neglected. Our weekends very much revolve around spending time with the kids.