6 year old no impulse control

[jonesy1999]

My son will be 6 in December.

We are really struggling with his lack on impulse control to the point I'm wondering if this is normal.

He is a lovely little boy but I can see when this impulsivity takes over and I can see that he is just utterly gone at this point.

I'm running out of hiding places in my house to put things because he's either constantly touching things he shouldn't be, and often breaking them or hiding them or just dragging them all through the house and making a mess.

This morning, for example, I was unstrapping his younger sibling from car seat. He unstrapped himself and crawled into front seat to go out front door. Fine. He spotted a box of travel seats on the dash and I saw his whole body language change. He tore into them like a wild animal. I shouted "stop that" but there was literally no stopping him at this point.

(I realise that sounds like a very minor instance but it's just the latest that's fresh in my mind).

Last night he was playing a very rough game with sibling. They were both having fun and were very excitable, but they were getting too hyped up near bedtime and I just wanted them to quit before someone got hurt. Sibling then also wanted to stop, son started to get annoyed at this and at being told to stop so started flinging pillow and duvets and pjs off the bed. I was telling him firmly to stop and then started with threats that I would carry through with - no football club tonight, certain toys being taken away for a week etc. He doesn't listen, absolutely no reasoning with him. Went on for quite a while. When it had eventually calmed down and he asked for certain toy and I said no and reminded him that it's been taken away for a week, the tears started and the screaming and wailing that he wants it back and he promises to be good. This happens every time.

On the one hand, I think he's being a spoilt badly behaved little brat. On the other my heart breaks for him because he genuinely doesn't seem to understand / heed warnings. When he is in that "zone" absolutely nothing I say will get through to him.

Is this normal? Should he have grown out of this by almost 6? Or am I expecting too much?

Bump

No advice because mine is only little still - just bumping for you.

What's he like at school?

I don't know. We are not in England so he has just started school a few months ago. Haven't had a parent / teacher evening yet. He was at kindergarten until lately, no concerns raised.

He is happy enough going in every morning, but he does quite often have a tantrum / meltdown when he gets home. He doesn't really articulate what it's about.

Often it is (ostensibly) about his sibling getting more attention than him but I'm not sure if that's the real or only reason.

I do know that some kids "mask" or behave well at school and then it all comes out when they get home. I'm not sure if that's what this is, and if it is, if it indicates there's a bigger problem, or if all kids let the frustrations of the day out when they get home.

The one thing he does vocalise is that he says people don't listen to him and talk over him. But he claims this happens at home as well when in reality he monopolises conversations to the point I struggle to get a word in / speak to my husband. When we do eventually have to stop him / interrupt him so we can speak to each other, he goes nuts.

I am aware that the constant interrupting / lack of impulse control can point to ADHD. But I do think a lot of 5 year olds must behave like this without it necessarily being ADHD and would be interested in other peoples experiences.

Also wondering what he is like at school?

He seems like he doesn't respond to your verbal attempts to interrupt his behaviour, does he pay attention if you touch him whilst saying his name? Your consequences I think are a little too vague and long term. You need something immediate that will happen as a result of continuing his behaviour.

He would probably slap my hand away.

Yes, I do need more immediate consequences. What can be they though? Other than taking toys away I don't know what I can do?

Quite often these tantrums are before bed, and i do suspect he is exhausted and overwhelmed, but as he is about to go to bed I don't know what immediate consequences there can be?

(I would like to bring bedtime forward, to try and pre-empt the overtiredness, but my job involves a lot of travel and I get home as early as I can. And this is usually around 7 / 7:30, so it's not like he is up late. By the time we've done dinner etc we couldn't really get him to bed any earlier).

I absolutely would not accept being slapped by a 6yr old. That would be an instant time out, sent to his room immediately.

Agree. This is the issue. When he has a meltdown like this he refuses to go. If I pick him up and carry him to his room, put him down and shut the door, he will just come running out again screaming and crying.

I can't reason with him and I also can't physically restrain him.

He's either incredibly badly behaved or there's some additional need.

I would look at trying to have a very predictable evening after school each day, and make it clear what will happen when. With my youngest, who is 6 and has additional needs, I spend a lot of time explaining what's happening now and what's going to happen next. I also make it clear what expectations are around rough play, for both my youngest and my older one. We don't do excitable play near to bed time. I would also make expectations very clear in the car, so he isn't allowed to crawl into the front and let himself out of the front door. When you are arriving home, I would remind him of that before you park up, and again as you are going round to let your younger child out. And also, let him out first to reduce the temptation to explore.

Do you think a reward chart might work for the not touching things issue? So each day that he doesn't touch things he knows he isn't supposed to he gets a sticker, and then gets some small reward (small toy, magazine?) if he manages a week in a row? You'd have to be very clear what things he isn't allowed to fiddle with, and again repeat it often.

I don't know what to suggest but can sympathise to an extent. My DS is the same age and has a more diluted version of this behaviour. He's generally very well behaved, kind, thoughtful and actually quite good at assessing risk. He just cannot see something without reaching out to touch it.

For example, if you're cutting a cake, he'll try to reach for a piece while you are still cutting. If you're writing something for him he'll try to hold the paper and pen while you are still writing. Etc. Apply that to everything and it is exhausting.

We've tried to tackle it for years verbally and it's slowly going in as he gets older and matures but I think he will always be a tactile learner.

There might be physical things you can do, it's tiring but you could say something like

Hands on your head! See if you can keep them there until I've unstrapped sibling. If you can, you can have a travel sweet. Don't move your hands!

Not sure if it will work or not, but we've started to get DS to sit on his hands, hold something for us, or put his hands on his head of we think there's going to be a situation where he can't control himself.

The breakdowns after school sound fairly normal - restraint collapse, especially if he's not long started and he's masking his behaviours all day.

Good luck. Hope he improves x

It does sound like he may have additional needs OP. My DS is closer to 7 and he certainly lacks impulse control in some ways, like @DontSuitAJumpsuit's DS he's terrible with food especially, touching it while it's being prepared. It sounds like your DS doesn't process the warnings to stop/not do things, rather than being outright defiant.

I think setting out your expectations about what's going to happen now/next is good advice.