Baby starting with childminder. Feeling so sad and guilty

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Little one is starting with a childminder 3 days a week end of next month (settling in sessions starting next week)

He will only be 5.5 months but I literally have no choice. Mortgage is about to jump up, gas and electric is out of control and I have eaten through my savings set aside for mat leave. Partner cannot cover all costs. I planned to take 8 months but its not possible anymore.
My relationship with my partner is also on its knees at the moment but we have decided to give it one more go - thats taking a bit out of me emotionally too

Im crying my eyes out even thinking about it. I've created this amazing bond with my little one and now I am so afraid that will go having to give him to someone else so early.

No idea what I'm wanting people to say... reassure me he won't forget me maybe? tell me im not a fucking shit mum having to leave my little buddy earlier than expected..? Tell me you did it and it was all fine...

I feel so so bad about leaving him

Sorry you feel this way. It's hard at first but you'll get in the swing of things. I work full time and that's always been the way it is. Are you only 3 days a week. If so that's great as you get most of the week with your little one 😊

He'll always remember who his mum is!

You're the opposite of a shit mum. You've found someone to care for your baby so you can keep a roof over his head, keep him warm and safe and fed.

He will know exactly who you are, don't worry !

Aww he’ll be fine 😊 you might not be for a while but he’ll have a great time. Try not to feel guilty it’s an empty emotion and your little boy will want his mummy to be happy. We’ve got to pay the bills and feed our families and keep a roof over our heads. Don’t feel bad about that, feel empowered that you are able to provide a good and comfortable life for your son.

I’ve been here and cried like crazy. It’s a horrible feeling and I did have some therapy as it really got me down.

The first 3 months will be awful I’m not even going to lie however do something for you that you can’t do with a little one present, hot lunch / hot cuppa / lunch time walk or even a lunch with your DH child free.

The best part of my day is going to pick them up and when they are so excited to see you. You cherish the family time even more I promise.

It sucks, you have got this! You are a good mum I promise!

You’re doing the absolute best for you and your family. Going back to work earlier is unexpected but necessary to make sure that you can meet all of your basic needs, and theirs. A safe home, heat and food are just as important for your baby as your bond. Stressed parents with money worries can be tricky.

In years to come when they learn about the cost of living crisis and state of the world they grew up in, they’ll know that you stepped up and did what you had to do for them and your family. It’s the best role modelling that you could be doing.

They will have a bond with the childminder but it will be nothing like the bond that they have with you. It will be healthy, they will socialise, and be happy and content with you when you’re at home together, which is well over half the week.

Have a cry by all means, it’s so harsh for you and unexpected and unfair. But please know that you’re doing what you have to, to be the best mum you can be, which means at times working, earning, putting a roof over your heads and paying to heat the home. Xxx

I think it's so good for children to go to childcare! They will socialise and learn to share. He will always know you're his mum. Better you are being financially sensible so you can afford a warm house and food for him.

It's totally normal to feel like that and even if you leave it to 10 months old it doesn't get better! To make matters worse our boy used to cry his eyes out at drop off and pick up, perhaps in relief that we actually came back.
In the end he's done really well, they never forget you and you can get the bonding time in the evening.
Also tell yourself that is an important step in their development to be able to build bond with other people, and step out without you. Although I agree that it doesn't seem right before 2 years old it will be way harder for you than your little one!
Good luck and you'll make it through!

Thank you all. I know deep down he will be absolutely fine - just not sure I will be!

I need to keep reminding myself, as someone who grew up with parents who struggled massively financially, it really is better to be apart from him for a few days a week and ensure he has a roof over his head, food on his plate and is warm.

It's just a but of a shock having to go back earlier than planned but I am definitely not the only one having to make these sacrifices. World is utterly shit for pretty much everyone in some way right now

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I'll still cry everyday and probably for a while after I start back but you have all made me feel a bit better ❤️❤️

You’ll feel this way whenever he starts! And at least this way there might be less separation anxiety than if you’d waited a few more months.
It sounds like you’re doing the best thing for him, even if it’s not the easiest thing for you - so, well done!

I went back to work when my little one was six months and my husband took shared parental leave they were almost a year. I had similar feelings, that they'd bond even more with their dad and not need me anymore. TOTALLY WRONG. They'll always love their mamas and be desperate to see whichever parent they've not spent the day with!! Your little one will never lose their bond with you over this, I promise! Them starting at childcare is always way harder on the parents than it is on the child.

Childminder (and mom) here 👋🏻
I love having a little baby to look after, but I can promise you, there is no way on this earth he will ever forget you, you are the best possible caregiver for that child. What you are doing for him is giving him the opportunity to develop bonds and relationships with other people, and that will set him up for life.
I always recommend parents go and do something for themselves during settling in- go and get your hair done, or see friends for coffee, something that you can’t always fully appreciate with a child on your lap.

I also grew up like that, with parents who constantly worried about finances because my mum didn’t work, she was lazy with an appalling work ethic. I bloody wish she had worked as those worries inevitably affected me. My son will go to nursery and I’m proud that I can be an example to him. I hope he’ll be proud of his hard working and independent mummy.

Going to nursery / a childminder is a positive thing, it fosters social skills and independence.

I’m sorry you feel like this but if it helps I sent my lo to the CM at 5.5 months part time too and it worked fantastic for us. She settled so easy at that age. She’s 18 months now and loves going. I know a lot of older babies who have really struggled to adjust and it has taken weeks to settle but im really glad we did it the way we did.

This was literally me last Sunday night. I was in bed crying for an hour as my LO was starting nursery on Monday (he will be 7 months on Sunday). Worried that i was letting him down, becoming a part time Mum, that he would enjoy nursery more than being home with me (he is going 1 full day & 2 mornings then with my mum during the afternoon a week)

I cried when i dropped him off on Monday but his little face when i picked him up, i could of cried again. He definately will not forget you & he will not prefer childminder to his mummy.

As my friend said to me, you are keeping a roof over his head, food in his belly & clothes on his back. Those things & love is all he needs. Make the most of the time that you have with him & give him the biggest cuddle when you get home.

Its my LO first full day tomorrow and full of dread again! I dont go back to work for 10 days but wanted to start it while i could drop off & pick up so he knew Mummy would still be there.

Give him an extra kiss & cuddle and it will make you feel better.

DC1 went to a childminders 2 days a week from 4 1/2 months. He absolutely loved it, especially the bigger children there.

When DC2 was born 12 months after I had DC1, he kept going 2 days a week for my mat leave too so I had time to bond with DC2, who joined him at the childminders at 5 months.

It was all absolutely fine, and they are now late teens and it didnt affect our bond at all. Please stop beating yourself up, you're a fab mum by providing for them.

You, and they, will be fine! 🙂

I've just gone back to work and my 10 month old is at nursery 3 days a week. It's been awful with lots of tears at drop off and pick up but I think it's largely because she's at the stage where she's getting separation anxiety anyway. 5 months is probably a much easier time to do it as baby won't be so aware of what's happening. I'm feeling so guilty too but we're powering through as at the end of the day we have no choice! You're doing what you need to do for your family.

Try to not be so hard on yourself. I wonder if you're feeling particularly vulnerable due to the relationship trouble? It's difficult enough leaving baby with someone else let alone doing so under financial pressure sooner than planned.

Could your partner take on extra work or more hours? Could you wfh/change jobs so you could?
Could you stay on ml from your main job, but take a different job and wfh pt? What can you cut back on? Just some thoughts. You've probably gone over it all. I hope it works out soon.

Just to add to my previous post, I used to think sending your child to a child minder/nursery was an abdication of responsibility, but as soon as I knew more I realised it's a big benefit to them. This is to the extent we still send our little one even though we are on shared parental leave, as it's such a benefit to him.
There could be a similar feeling underlying your feeling that you're letting your little one down by not being with them all the time.
Take care.

Are you getting SMP?

it’s very hard and I am sure your baby will be fine but you are important too.

I went back earlier than I would have chosen to - started a new job so had to start when they needed me if you see what I mean - and I found it tough, especially when all my friends were still off

ds adores me (and the feeling is very mutual)

Please don’t beat yourself up and if he does struggle to settle for a few days then persevere. My DS1 has been going to the same CM for 9 years (DS2 for nearly 6 years) and I see it that they have an extra adult who loves them and looks out for them. And children can never have too many adults who love them.

When DS was a baby, we got six weeks at full pay and six months on SMP - it was unheard of to take a year's mat leave. He was and is fine, and your LO will be fine too. Not gonna lie, the first couple of weeks are hellish but they'd be hellish whenever you went back. You are supporting your child by keeping the roof over their head, never forget that.

DD1 has a lovely relationship with her childminder, a very close bond which we especially value as we only get to see family/grandparents a few times a year. The only issue we had was that at 13 months she struggled to settle which was horrid for all of us. Even though me/DH can take a year off between us, we have agreed with the childminder that forthcoming DD2 will start much earlier this time and I'll be looking to leave her there for short periods from as early as possible. Your little boy cannot have too many loving adults and it won't affect your bond with him - he knows exactly who mummy is.

He will be absolutely fine and well cared for. The two childminders I've used for my two kids have been so brilliant. My youngest started 5 days a week at 8 months. They don't forget who their Mums is they just form an extra bond with the childminder. You will still have 4 days a week with your baby, that's already more than the 3 days then there's bedtimes, annual leave, bank holidays etc on top of that. Your baby will learn loads and have lots of fun with the childminder and the other kids there. Don't feel guilty for providing for you family whilst your child is cared for in good quality childcare.