Anger issues

[Nannalife]

Hello I have a sensitive issue. My daughter-in-law has some anger issues and seems to be taking it out on my 4yo grandson. I've seen her manhandle him and last night she pushed him when he got in her way and he fell over, she didn't comfort him, just said well you shouldn't be silly, even though he was really upset. She calls him stupid and clumsy, poor angel can't seem to do anything right and he is starting to act up and lose his self-esteem. Other than that both parents are affectionate and nurturing, they love their kids, just when she boils up she kind of snaps and has a short fuse. There's also a new baby and the 4yo can't do anything right, either he's in the way, or touching the baby too rough, or whatever. I want to address this with my son but don't want to be seen as interfering or destroy our relationship. I want to help her to cope rather than accuse. My grandchildren are my life and this is upsetting me. How do I do it?

is this a one off, or recently eg since the new baby, or ongoing?

I think you’d have good cause for calling her out on her behaviour if she’s pushing him over - he’s a child and needs to be protected. But the ideal outcome is probably for her to change her ways and repair things with her son, so might be best to question first and see where that takes you and call her out on it if it happens again? - after the event, when she’s calm and you can have a quiet chat away from the children?

Can you question more with your son (or even with her) to understand what’s going on first? eg

‘have you noticed this happen before?
have you noticed the effect it’s having on your son?
is there any reason these kinds of situations might overwhelm her?
are there any stressors in life other than the children at the moment?
Is there anything I can to do support?’