Help please! Young son doesn’t want to see his dad.

[Lily888]

I need some advice please and if the below is “normal”.
My son is 4 and a half, started school a few weeks ago and lives with me. I’m separated from his dad, and his dad has just had a new baby with his current partner. My concern is that every night before my son knows he will be collected by his dad he has a full on meltdown. Then the following morning It starts again. My son has said he doesn’t like his dad or his dads house. I know to take with a pinch of salt as they say all sorts and I know his dad isn’t violent or anything like that. The trouble is the ex and I don’t get on, and if I try to discuss this with him he will erupt and make my already stressful life much more stressful. So please, is it normal for children to be so against seeing a parent and for such a long period of time? Do I force him to go or do I suggest to his dad that he just take him out but our son comes back to my house? Any advice would be gratefully received as I’m at my wits end. Also I should add I’m not negative about his dad to my son, and in fact try to encourage him.

He needs to take him out and spend 1:1 time with him for now.

My daughter is 5 and she is exactly the same. We have a court order so I have to force her to go, I know she is fine when she's there but its so hard going against my motherly instincts and making her go. So I do understand how hard it is for you. I don't know the answer but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Thank you. It’s overwhelming. And what with new school, I am trying to sort my own business, it’s bloody hard and to have an unhappy stressed child on top of it all is too much. Does it pass do you think? Or there comes a time when I can just say “he’s not going to yours”?

I could have written this a few years ago my DS dad had a baby with the OW 6 month after we split (amazing how many people he had duped suddenly didnt know baby gestation times) my son hated it (the baby now toddler and the OW - still often refuses to go to his dads lots of meltdowns etc (doesnt help that they stayed in the family home and kicked us out - whole other thread - but my DS was having to visit his old home with a new baby taking priority and it really messed with his head) doesnt help that my boy is autistic and thrives on routine - I'm afraid i just told my ex im not forcing him to come you need to spend 1:1 with him out of that house and not try and force a new family on him not 6 months after his little world was up ended - he hasnt done that and didnt see him at all during the lockdowns - he has clearly shown his new baby is the priority and my DS has to do as he is told - I have my sons back and no court order so i now say no if its upsetting him too much - I personally think a relationship with his dad is important and have tried to facilitate it but unfortunately my ex doesnt want to make any changes so it doesnt happen - he now has him for about 2 hours some weekends thats it!

Whether you can say he's not going or not depends on whether or not you have a court order.

Would your ex not accept a simple text ds is struggling with the recent changes can you give him 1-1 time for a few weeks? Happy to have him overnight here just want to ease things for him?

Just another point of view that you maybe haven't thought about.
According to my SD's mum (8), she refuses to come to our house, hates it and she has to make her visit.
She is perfectly fine and happy when she is visiting. We do fun things and she gets very excited when we make plans for the next time she visits. She also gets upset and complains that she doesn't want to go home.

There is no court order, and yes you’d think a simple text would be understood by the ex as he sees our son burst in to tears when he goes to collect him (I know he gets upset as other mums tell me) and I’ve seen it myself. But the ex is proud and arrogant and already thinks I’m selfish (I have done everything by myself, I get no help from him at all physically or emotionally). Also my son had his own room but now is sharing with a 10 year old girl (new partners daughter from previous relationship) so he doesn’t even have his own space anymore.

My son is "fine" when he sees his dad his dad will say cant wait till your older and can come over without "asking your mothers permission" can't wait till your mom has no say if you come or not we get on really well son bet your mom doesn't like that does she 😂😂😂 my son smiles agrees and explodes when he gets home about his dad putting me down I confronted my ex a few times he calls my son a liar (he isnt lying other people have heard his put downs) then ds won't see him for weeks again its all high conflict all because my ex will NOT see ds as a person with his own thoughts and opinions this situation has been rolling on since he was 6/7 years old he turns 14 this year there is zero help and support avaliable

Wait, he has to sleep in the 10 year old girl’s room? They probably both hate that. Maybe she resents him and is unkind or cold to him? That’s a terrible arrangement and I can’t believe ex and his wife think it’s ok.