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Original poster

Issues with in laws

23 replies

Emmamc93 · 03/10/2022 19:29

My baby is 4 months old and I’m a first time mum so I don’t know if I’m being obsessive. Mother in law wants to see baby 2/3 times a week which is fine however she only wants to do this by taking him to her house. Shes been told on multiple occasions she’s welcome to visit whenever. She never comes to visit and only wants to be able to take him for the afternoon / overnights. It’s driving me crazy as she completely breaks his routine leaving me exhausted for weeks trying to pull it back and she has nothing for him in her house so I have to take everything for him. What I’m asking is if I’m right to say no and how many times a week if any should she get taking him. I’m not working, never need him watched for appointments or anything and I love spending my time with him so I don’t particularly want him to go. My partner doesn’t agree with me and sees no problem in her having him when she sees fit which causes A LOT of arguments because she’ll be really manipulative when she gets told no and make him feel horrible and guilty for not getting to see grandson

OP posts:

Malariahilaria · 03/10/2022 19:37

This is ridiculous. No. Just say no and stop this over aggressive nonsense. Your baby, not hers. Mine weren't going anywhere with anyone til 10 months and even then it was my decision.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 19:39

Your mil has no rights to your dc whatsoever. Makes my bloody boil thinking about people like her. Your dp is a bloody sap. Tell him you prefer your dc in their own bed every night. Not mil playing House with your baby!
She has had her dc now it's your turn.

I have The Rage for you op.

Hoppinggreen · 03/10/2022 19:40

The issue isn’t your in laws, it’s the fact that your partner hasn’t got the balls to say no to his Mummy

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Original poster

Emmamc93 · 03/10/2022 19:45

Thank you, I wasn’t sure if I was being over possessive since it’s my first but I hated letting him go with her all the time. She pulls out the guilt cards every time she’s told no and makes him feel horrible which causes arguments between us every time

OP posts:

cavi1 · 03/10/2022 19:47

YANBU. It's your child, not hers, but you need to clue in your husband/ partner so you don't have to be the wicked witch communicating this x

BrownWall · 03/10/2022 19:49

Fuck no.
Stop this now, there is no reason for your baby to be away from you and for you to be put out and upset. She can come and visit, overnights are for when they are school age.

Wowzers12 · 03/10/2022 19:50

You are fine with 2/3 times a week? Bloody hell. My MIL would live here if she could but we see them about every other week (DD is also 4mo) which is plenty. Also if she wants to see your child she can visit.

Is it just our generation of MIL that are unbelievable or has it been like this for decades?

SquirrelCity · 03/10/2022 19:50

You are absolutely right to say no. She should not be taking him at all. No need for a big announcement, just say no each time she asks. The mothering instinct to keep your baby close and with you is the most natural thing in the world. You do not need to over-ride that instinct to please some other woman, who has had her babies and had her time.

whereisthejasmine · 03/10/2022 19:50

Absolutely no. It's only what suits you at this time in his life. You know what baby needs.

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 19:50

Tell dp if his dm wants a baby so badly she can have hers back....

RedHerring24 · 03/10/2022 19:52

Your MIL has absolutely no rights to take your baby during the day or overnight.
You are his mother and you get to call the shots. If you need childcare then absolutely she can care for him if you see fit. Obviously visiting grandparents is important but 2/3 times a week is way too much.
Your DH needs to have a word with his mother before everything becomes a bit difficult between you all.
Keep it polite but make it very clear that you do not require childcare and that if she would like to visit, book a day with you to come over and spend time at your house.

DoodlePug · 03/10/2022 19:54

Omg this isn't some toy you need to share.

It's great mil is so excited about the baby but just no, this is not OK with you therefore it's not OK.

I would say visit her and give her some time alone, maybe go for a walk or leave him with her while you do the big shop if you feel comfortable with that but longer stays and overnight are when he's older and settled.

edel2 · 03/10/2022 20:06

What a horrible, manipulative MIL.

YANBU at ALL

Dumbledormer · 03/10/2022 20:11

Yeah, I think I’m quite relaxed but it’s too much! My MIL sees our son roughly once a week sometimes twice if we do a family thing at the weekend and has only had him a handful of times overnight for things like weddings, birthday nights out etc. Certainly nothing as regularly as your MIL is trying to insist on. My son is one to put it in perspective and he loves my MIL so they don’t need to see them as regularly as that to have a bond.

Once a week for a couple of hours at 4 months is plenty and keep inviting her to stuff you are doing so she can’t take the hump too much.

omarcoming · 03/10/2022 20:13

That's insane. Tell MIL to jog on.

ChildWontStopGrowing · 03/10/2022 21:11

OOOOHH boy. It's great that she wants a relationship with her grandchild, but insisted it be on her terms isn't good at all.

If it were me I'd maybe go see her once a week AT MOST. If she wants more; "Come by anytime! We'd be glad to see you!"

Your partner giving the okay for MIL to have the baby "as she sees fit" is a really strange attitude. Your child is not a possession to be borrowed and given back on a whim.

Jazzydrops · 03/10/2022 21:19

I wouldn’t allow her to take the baby at all at that age. If she is this bad when the child is a baby, she will be worse when the child is older. I have a friend who started like this with MIL and let it carry on, as the child got older her MIL wanted to make all the big decisions about the child too and would try and override the parents. Nip it in the bud now.

Merryclaire · 03/10/2022 21:47

This is absolutely nuts. She has no right to take him at all. I would allow her to visit you at home for a couple of hours once or twice a week but there is no way I would allow her to take him unless you need the childcare.

cstx89 · 03/10/2022 21:54

Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 03/10/2022 19:50

Tell dp if his dm wants a baby so badly she can have hers back....

Omg this made me giggle. However they are correct. Ur baby not hers.

KingJulien · 04/10/2022 10:35

We didn’t do over night stays until maybe 1.5/2 years.
If DH and I wanted to go out they would come and stay at our house as everything the babies needed was here. 4 months is way too young, your MIL is nuts (your DH is something else).

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 04/10/2022 10:47

The reason you feel such a need to keep the baby close is that biology knows it's best for you and for baby. too much time away from their main caregiver is stressful and not good for them. Or you!

Hate to trot out an MN cliche but this is a DH problem as well as a MIL problem...

Calphurnia88 · 05/10/2022 09:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Calphurnia88 · 05/10/2022 09:55

You are the baby's primary caregiver so you call the shots on visits and alternative care IMO. Ordinarily I would say the partner should have a say too, but on this occasion I think he's being unreasonable.

My DS is 6.5mo and routine is key to keeping him (and me) happy. I'm not sure what aspect of the routine your MIL is not sticking to, but if it's naps/sleep then this isn't good for him and I imagine will be affecting your sleep too.

In your shoes I would be having a firm conversation with DH and be clear that you are not happy with the current situation. Agree a way going forward (perhaps MIL comes over one afternoon a week?) but until then I would stop taking him over to hers. A 4mo doesn't need that much time with grandma.

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