Angry and defiant almost 4 year old

[Choppinchopin]

I really need some advice please. I have an angry and defiant DS who will be 4 in January. He’s always had trouble with listening to us but it is just getting worse and I don’t know what to do.

I love him so much. He’s a sweet boy but his behaviour is really testing me.

Some examples of his behaviour:

constantly snatching toys from his younger sister. It’s literally every time they play together. These are toys he had no interest in until he saw her playing with them. tonight he kicked her and hit her which he’s never done before

20 minute tantrum tonight kicking screaming and spitting all because I said he could watch a bit of TV after he had his dinner (and not before when he wanted it).

refusal to do carry out instructions unless it suits him

constantly telling me he’s angry and growling in anger. This happens several times a day

running into his sleeping sister’s room tonight when I told him not to. This woke her up just as she had fallen asleep and led to a screaming meltdown from both of them.

these are the things we do to try and make things better:

spend loads of 1:1 quality time with him by taking him out on his own and playing with him

acknowledge and label his feelings whilst also setting boundaries “I can see you are frustrated/angry but we can’t kick/hit etc”

give him choices but this never works unless we say you choose or mummy chooses for you which is basically a threat anyway.

so I’ve been trying to implement gentle parenting but lately I’m just getting to the end of my tether and today and yesterday I snapped at him quite a few times for hitting and not listening and he cried a lot and I feel like a shit mum. I just don’t know how to help him stop being so angry. I ask him what makes him angry but he doesn’t pin point anything and says he just is.

is there any advice to try and make this better? I don’t want him to feel angry all the time 😔

How firm are you with boundaries? I find that if I give my 3 year old any leeway she just runs with it. This particularly happened when her little brother was born and I felt guilty so was engaging in more negotiation with her. Kids that age can't handle too much power, I'd say you need to be kind but firm every time so he knows you mean business. He may have tantrums and that's ok ("it's ok to be angry but it's not ok to spit on me. I'm going to move my body away so I don't get spit on. I'm still here for you. Let your anger out. Would you like to hit this pillow instead? Etc."). I believe as parents we're responsible for setting boundaries to keep our kids safe and healthy but we're not responsible for controlling their emotions when we set those boundaries. They're going to have feelings about it and that's ok. Be there to help him get through the tantrums but don't let him hurt you/spit on you -- move away but stay nearby. Stay firm so he doesn't learn that he gets his way via tantrums.

Sorry you are going through this tough time. What discipline method do you use? What's the age gap between your 2 children?

Very little advice but just to say that mine is just the same. Very very stressful here, such a negative tension for the whole family. @Endlesslaundry123 ‘s advice is pretty much how I try to handle things but on bad days it’s a total shitshow. I’m just hoping that it’s about self-regulation and processing big feelings and that if I keep being stable (ish) and calm (ish) and loving, he’ll grow through it. Sending patience and sympathy.

Imo 1 to 1 is great but time with his dsis is necessary to show him sadly she isn't going anywhere!!

@AutumnVibes yes I feel you on the bad days!! It's so hard sometimes to understand why one day they can be so regulated while the next day they're bouncing off the walls.

Looking for some advice -
my 4 year old’s (5 in September) behaviour is getting out of hand. I’m at my wits end with it now and I don’t know what more I can do to help him. He is a lovely little boy but his tantrums are horrendous. during a tantrum he will kick and hit me, I end up covered in bruises because he is so strong. He throws anything that he can get his hands on. Tonight he threw a plate on the floor which smashed everywhere. I have bruises on my body from where he has kicked me repeatedly this evening. He spends a lot of time on his tablet which I do regret but my other half works away a lot, most times it feels like I’m a single parent so I do blame myself for letting him have more time on the tablet than a child should. But I’m trying to change it. So recently instead of letting him go to bed with his tablet we have been taking it away at 7:30pm and getting him to bed for 8pm. This is when his tantrum starts the hitting kicking most recently is biting. I can’t just leave him and ignore him as he throws things around which is dangerous and ruining the house. So I tend to try hold him which just means I get kicks and punches everywhere. Eventually he either gets so tired and lets me rock him to sleep or I cry because I’m so fed up and when he sees me cry he stops kicking and hitting and cuddles me. It’s not just at bed time though, whenever he doesn’t get his own way 9 times out of 10 there will be a tantrum. Some aren’t as bad but nighttime ones are the worst. I have tried reward charts, talking to him about feelings and what to do if he feels angry, we’ve done time out but that results in things getting thrown around / kicking the walls or doors. He is 4 years old he shouldn’t behave this way and I feel so heartbroken that he has all these emotions and I can’t help him control them. It’s starting to become between myself and my partner he thinks we need to see someone about his behaviour but this can take months or even years to get referrals to behaviour specialist. He thinks they will just magically make his behaviour stop but it won’t. I don’t know what more I can do I dread bedtime routine. And recently he has started to tantrum when we have to get dressed for nursery. Nothing has happened at nursery I have asked and I also work within his school so I know he is absolutely fine there. But everyday we have an hours tantrum just because he doesn’t want to get his nursery clothes on he said he wants to stay home or he’ll say he feels poorly when he doesn’t he just wants me to let him stay home. I just feel like giving up he is such a lovely boy and I hate this behaviour and I’m worried it’s not just a phase and that he’ll get worse.

https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/defiant-3-year-old/