Relationship has changed now we're parents.. is this standard?

[boogieboogie]

We're not even new parents, we have a toddler, but I guess now that DD is edging closer to 3, and becoming slightly less full-on for us, I've realised that our relationship has really suffered since we've become parents.

In the first 2 years we were living each day as it came with the constantly evolving life of a small baby/child, and our relationship really took a back foot, not that I even had time to think about it.
It's only now that I realise DH and I just don't have the relationship we used to -
We can't have a laugh like we used to, we can even communicate as we used to.
Our lives and conversations revolve around making ends meet in order to pay the mortgage and childcare bill each month (which is just as much as the mortgage).

How can we even consider adding another child to the mix?

Does life become a bit sweeter again when they go to school?

I don't mean to sound depressed, maybe I am (queue the have you got help responses), but is this normal for working parents of young children?

I think it's very normal for your relationship to change. After all, your whole lives have changed by having a child. I have a 2yo and my relationship with my husband has changed significantly. Like you mentioned, there's a more planned, organised element to life now which can dampen excitement a little. It's also much easier to snap at each other when you're stretched mentally and physically.

I think it's important to carve out time where you can just be a couple together. Are you able to organise regular date nights or days together? It's hard when you're both working too but I think it's really important. Also maybe sit down and chat to your husband honestly about how you feel and what you both feel is missing at the moment and how you can address these things.

Now your child is 3 do you qualify for the 30 hours childcare?

That made a huge difference to us, DS1 qualified for it in the April, Ds2 wasn't born until the June the following year - 14 months of Hugely reduced nursery fees and the DS1 started school while I was on 2nd maternity leave, it was the only way we considered having 2.

but yes your relationship changes, its only now that they're 6 and 2 we are starting to really find it again instead of just treading water

It's normal for parents of young children, working or not. Another child doesn't make that much difference to be honest.

Now you're out of the first hellish months of adjustment to having kids (and the second is not as bad - even if it's a non-sleeper or whatever at least you know what to expect) you can start making an effort to connect with each other more. Do things you enjoy separately so you've got things to talk about and plan things together so you can hang out. I don't think things automatically get sweeter but it does get easier to make the effort required to make them sweeter.

I think the mistake lots of people make when they have kids is that they don't give any thought to maintaining their relationship. Before you have kids, for most people, your relationship pretty much just ticks along nicely, you prioritise each other and spend time together, and it's easy. You don't really put much thought into keeping it all going, it just goes.

Then you have a kid, and all the connection time that was available to you as a couple disappears. You suddenly have to actually work at your relationship, but you don't have the time or the energy. You might not even notice you need to put the work in. So it all kinda slides off the radar and then when you come out the other side you realise you've lost what you had before.

We were very lucky because a lot of people warned me about this, and I made maintaining our relationship my top priority. Even when we didn't have any time or energy for things like date nights or sex, I would check in with my DH, tell him how much I appreciated him, ask him how he was doing, sympathise with him feeling like we didn't have time for each other. We got in the habit of doing a "best bit worst but" recap of the day every evening which made us feel connected again, and all that sort of bridged the gap until we were able to actually have a relationship again.