If your kids actually listen to you..

[homarrrerr]

Can you please tell me what you do??

My 5 year old is very strong willed. Hates listening to me. Often ignores me when I tell her no and she just does it anyway! I probably don't punish enough and just tell her to go to her room as I am so tired from being up all night with 2 year old.

Her friends seem to be really well behaved and listen immediately whereas my Daughter just wants to push boundaries all the time.

Can anyone give me some tips so I can sort this out??

Following in solidarity 💪 my four year old is the same

Have you asked your friend what she does that works?

The book how to talk so kids will listen, how to listen so kids will talk is incredibly helpful and easy to use. It’s not lectury at all. I really rate it and it was a great help when DSS was around that age. My DD is younger and has her moments but is generally pretty reasonable. I find Janet Lansbury helpful with younger ones.

Smaller sanctions than go to her room. Make sure you spend time and attention with her every day. MoDel behaviour you want to see.

My 4 Yr old is strong willed but she's learnt where the line is. She knows if I ask her to do something it needs to be done straight away. Sometimes she pushes back but I start a 3, 2, 1 countdown and she knows she'll have a consequence if I get to 1 so it's not worth ignoring me or being rude. When she is very tired, the line can get blurred and I'm more forgiving at these times. I'm also sometimes lazy with it but she's had a consequence a few times and it was enough that she's learnt the lesson. Consequences when she was younger were things like no more cartoons, I'll leave the room, end the game, bedtime with no story.

I think a mix of setting the child up for success, being respectful/recognising their wants and needs, the willingness to set firm boundaries and the ability to patiently tolerate the ensuing emotions/tantrums is what helps us. My daughter is only 3 so could be completely off base here but here's what I try to do..

Setting up for success: e.g. Giving advance warning for transitions, checking yourself that you're not being overly controlling or having too-high expectations for their age.

Being respectful: Saying something like "I can see you're really enjoying that show. It can be frustrating to stop doing something fun like that. I get it. It's dinner soon so in 5 minutes you'll need to turn it off and wash your hands."

Setting firm boundaries: "I can see you're having a hard time washing your hands. Do you want to do it yourself or shall I help you?" (If no answer I say "ok it looks like you're having a hard time deciding. I'm going to help you in 5 seconds unless you decide to do it yourself. 1-2-3-4-5.") If she doesn't do it I will physically take her to do it as calmly as possible.

And IF she gets upset, I stay with her and say "it's ok to be angry. Let it out, I know you didn't want to wash your hands." And if needed "it's ok to be angry but it's not ok to hit me. You can hit the couch or this pillow if you need to. Let it out."

I find sometimes kids push buttons because they need an emotional release and want a fight (in a way)... when we go through this she's actually hugging me afterwards and much more regulated. She feels safe knowing I will hold boundaries.

At the same time I know how hard it is with 2 kids to be consistent and firm with boundaries. There's just so little time. And managing boundaries in a way that doesn't break your kids spirit but also helps them feel safe knowing you'll be consistent with them is a lot of work and it takes me daily inner work to try and do better and manage my triggers better.

Mine listen to me but not their dad. I explain everything in advance. Praise good stuff massively. Give warnings and am very consistent. If their dad asks them something they say no I'm going to check first with the boss (me)