Hate being a parent right now

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NC out of shame at being a terrible mother. I am prepared for the inevitable nasty messages I always get on here from those women who love to kick others when they’re already down but here it is.

My children are nearly 3 and 4.5. Until recently I loved being their mother but now I absolutely hate it. Every day is soul-destroyingly difficult and exhausting. I know many people would say that’s just how it is but I don’t see other children behaving like mine or other mothers looking as upset as I feel.

The main issue is that they never want to do anything. They complain about having to go anywhere. They hate having to walk, moan about being tired even though they’re not, look sullen and miserable, whinge constantly. They also fight viciously. All they really like doing is being indoors. I hate this, especially because winter is coming and I want to make the most of the good weather before it starts snowing for the next 7 months. (We are in Canada).

They also treat other children horribly. They are extremely suspicious if anybody tries to play with them and will shout No! in the other kid’s face.

I feel like until recently I was a really good, attentive, kind, gentle, happy parent who always reinforced good behaviour with praise etc. Perhaps I should have been sterner and stricter. Anyway now they are getting mixed messages because I will seem to be normal one moment when I’m trying so hard to stay calm and furious the next when my patience abruptly runs out. But I don’t know what to do about it. I know they are too young to understand my feelings so I just go silent.

I am aware that what is needed is more patience and more understanding but I have very little of either. I have to try really hard to stop myself saying horrible things to them sometimes but even thinking them makes me feel evil. I just hate the way they are and I don’t know what I did to make them that way.

What’s changed? It feels more like your sense of what’s ok has has more than your kids’ behaviour. I’ve just been reading a long thread about peri-menopause, could something hormonal be going on? What support do you have? You sound like you need a serious break to come back and see your kids with fresh eyes. Can you have a day off per week, or go away for a weekend?

I think I was just more patient with them when they were small but now that they’re older I have clearer expectations in terms of behaviour. I also see now that certain negative behaviours that I thought might be a passing phase are actually just part of their personalities.

And no I have no support here whatsoever so I can’t take time off.

This is a curveball but what were your parents like when you were this age? I recommend the book the Book You Wish Your Parents Read because it’s about how you get most triggered or stuck by your kids.

Otherwise/as well, can you access therapy? I used to have 9pm sessions by video. It sounds like you’re full of emotions that aren’t necessarily about your kids, tbh, who sound typically annoying but maybe not as bad as you think.

Honestly my parents were awful and mean and I’m so scared that I will end up being the same.

What are they like at nursery? Do the staff report the same bad behaviour or is it just at home?

Sounds like they're really triggering you and it's probably really related to how you were raised and your own trauma. There are great resources to help. I just got the parenting book "Good Inside" it's amazing. Check out the audiobook if it's easier to read but it's all about exactly what you're dealing with right now. By Dr Becky Kennedy -- check her Instagram or podcast, she's absolutely amazing. Good luck!

They are mostly good at nursery but they have recently been goading each other to do bad things, eg telling each other to hit other kids for a laugh. They are incredibly close (even though they fight nonstop) to the point where they don’t really like anyone except each other.

I will check out Dr Becky Kennedy, thank you for the recommendation.

If they’re close that’s good. You’ve supported their relationship so well done.

They're still very young OP. Their personalities are not set in stone.

You had an awful childhood and are being triggered. It’s so hard to see beyond that intensity when we are in it.

And don’t feel guilty for hating some phases and aspects of parenthood because it can be so, so hard.

To parent is to run hard into our own limitations and fall on the spikes of our own traumas. So be kind to yourself.

Have you had any therapeutic support to process your own childhood?

The not wanting to go out thing- how’s their sleep and diet? I’ll be honest I find it strange to hear of such young kids who don’t want to go out or have a lot of energy.

I have never heard of young children saying they are tired - are you saying that a lot to them without being aware of it?

How much sleep are they getting
Are their diets good? Lots of protein etc

Why not make a list of their favourite places to go, with them and then start taking them twice a week? Maybe involving them more would help with enthusiasm. Do they enjoy going out once there?

Fighting is normal, don't stress, just ask them to go to their rooms to cool down.

At this age we were doing lots of crafts at home, simple baking, muddy puddles and art. Plan a few activities every day, tidy up time, breaks for you after lunch.
Are you getting enough sleep? Eating well?

I am sorry op but I think they may be copying you, look at your own behaviour for the day or two and monitor how much of their negativity is coming from you.

Their favourite places are all ones which cost money. Otherwise they just love being indoors painting and drawing etc. It’s going outside that they hate. And no that’s not from me, I’m always up for anything.

I have a 3 year old and a 5 year old, and All kids will try to get the other one to do something bad, either to test the water or straight be mean. That is kids for you. They will do the most obscene things that will have you crying, but they don’t know any better. Best advice I can give is follow through with your threats not matter how outlandish they are. Also give them a grace period, meaning if they do something for the first time do not lose you cool. Let them know what they did is wrong and to not do it again. Next time they do it, then you can discipline them. We all lose our cool, but you can do it. Also if you have a family member neighbour friend that can watch them for an hour or so, so that you can breath that would be very helpful.

What are the consequences when they fight or tell each other to hit another child? I am a gentle parent but believe children firm boundaries so they feel secure.

I have never heard of young children saying they are tired - are you saying that a lot to them without being aware of it

Mine used to do it all the time, I think it's fairly common. Especially when expected to walk anywhere - "I'm tiiiiired, my legs huuuurt, I want to go hoooome". The whining used to drive me batty. But one of mine used to hate staying in, so she'd whine and create to go out and then whine she was tired 🤦‍♀️.
I'm not sure about some of these replies, yes, the behaviour could be triggering the OP. But tbh some kids can be dicks, phases can be long, some kids just have more difficult personalities. I have to admit I hate going outside if the weather isn't perfect, I feel the cold badly and am only happy outdoors if it's sunny and hot.