Want to take child out of a school nursery what do I say

[Newtothis2345]

She’s 3yo it’s a school nursery so I don’t know if I can just take her out or not

You are perfectly entitled to do this but it might be that Nursery is best placed to handle this behaviour- unless you feel they can’t/won’t.
The other thing is where are you going to get these play dates from? If your child hit mine there might not be a 2nd one, is there a risk your DD could end up isolated?

IF the reason for you not wanting to send her is because of how you feel then it’s not the right thing to do. You should make your decision on how what will work best for your daughter, even if sending her is uncomfortable for you

Are you sure this is not more about you than your dd? Are you projecting your anxieties about how you might be viewed onto the situation. Teething problems at nursery are common, hitting, biting, withdrawal, wetting, lack of sharing etc.

I had a hitter. He's now 24 and a well adjusted human being. Your nursery teachers will be used to this, and will have strategies to deal with it. Have you sat down and had a chat with them. Id be very reluctant to take her out.

Should I just send her say 3 times a week ? Who should I mention this to and can they even do that ?

I think you need to give her more time and work with the nursery on the hitting.

Hitting is very common with preschoolers. They need to learn appropriate ways to express emotions and relate to others. This is best learnt now in a larger group situation.

They aren't judging you for this.

You need to ask them what would work best and how you can support their discipline at home. Are you funded for the 15 hours? Does she like it when there?

I've read the numerous other threads you've started on this over the last couple of days.

Imo the issue is your anxiety. Give your setraline time to work. When are you next due to see your GP? Maybe book an earlier appointment and tell them what you've written here.

It is anxiety inducing having a DC (your first / only?) start nursery. Even more do this cohort that lacked socialisation due to lockdowns.

Has she been to any playgroups before?

Does DD want to go to nursery?

Ask for a meeting with the nursery manager and tell them about your anxiety and that the comments before about the blood have made you more anxious.

A couple of incidents of hitting during the settling in period is entirely normal.

The best place to tackle behaviour issues is in nursery.

Also your anxiety will lesson when you get time out from DD. Use this time to relax.

Where is her father in this? What does he think? Is he around? Can he speak to the nursery? Do the pick ups?

You do sound like you need more support.

I would definitely caution against removing her. Not only for her and your benefit but it will ring safeguarding alarm bells on top of the picture of blood (they will suspect domestic abuse) and your mental health difficulties. It will look like you are trying to hide her from services.

Contact your health visitor and ask for a visit to discuss all of this. They are best placed to advise you.

Those 15 hours are free and the first week she loved it second week she cry’s when she has to walk in to school and that’s when the behaviour started the second week

It's pretty common. I'd be speaking to nursery about what plans they and you can put in place?

I'm not sure playdates are the way forward, they do tend to act differently with a parent around. What activities have you been doing with her prior to nursery? Has she been round big groups of children before?

You need to give it more time. She doesn't have to go every day, but keep a routine and regular days and I'm sure she will soon settle. Pulling her out will just confuse her more, you need stability not disruption.

I think she needs to stay there. The staff can support her in stopping the hitting, she’ll be more confident around other children.

Agree with @caroleanboneparte that removing her might raise Safeguarding flags although I was thinking self harm rather than abuse for the blood.

I had a biter.

There was no 'trouble' at home, perfectly normal, calm, stable, household. We didn't know where it came from, or why she behaved like that at nursery.

Yes, we felt judged at first.

What made the difference was actively engaging with the nursery, asking for their support and asking what they needed from us to support them, examining what we do at home, and working together to identify biting triggers.

DD is now 6, and she hasn't bitten anyone for 3 years.

Nurseries are used to this, but you should be able to partner with them to find a resolution.

Keep her there and talk to the teacher. If it seems she is getting overtired you could keep her home for the odd session and let her rest. I wouldn't withdraw her though as you can all work together to help her behaviour.

Are there any other SEN concerns?

I very much doubt you are being judged. It sounds like your child hasn't mixed with other children much before starting Nursery so she needs to learn social skills. Learning Social Skills is very much what Nursery is about so I'd recommend working with the school and eventually she will make friends and settle in. Children who know no different sometimes resort to hitting to attract another child's attention and she needs to learn better ways to interact and she needs to be there to do it. This is not a judgement it's just an aspect of Child Development.

There is always the possibility she has some kind of SN and, again, being in school will help bring forward a diagnosis and get the help she requires. I'm not saying this is the case just that it is a possibility.

Either way taking her out of Nursery and then sending her to school without the Nursery experience will only defer the problems. Her transition to Reception will be much easier for her if she learns the social skills first.

Dont pull her out, you can’t run away from the problem, you need to work with the nursery to resolve the issue before she starts school and it becomes a big problem.

Have you socialised her previously? Playgroups, hobbies etc?

Ask for a meeting with the teacher/senco and what they advise. Has she just turned 3? Alternatively if she is really struggling with a busier school nursery you may find a childminder /smaller preschool to use the 15 hours instead (and you don't have to use the full 15 hours could just do a few sessions) but school nursery tend to be all 15 hours or nothing.

Removing her and playdates won't help her long term. Maybe a gradual transition will. So go back a step and build up sessions rather than straight in. Or switch to aftednoons perhaps where its usually quieter?

Some children like to play alone, some are sociable, 3 year olds can wildly differ in their social abilities and development. If your child's nursery is making you anxious and ashamed about your child's behaviour rather than supporting you and your child to improve this then it is not the right setting for you.

I think you need to get to know the staff there, is that possible? I know Covid seems to have made these simple/essential things much more difficult. It seems like you have no idea who to speak to about your daughter and to me that is worrying. Does she have a key worker or is it a set up where there us a teacher and TA/nursery assistant? Who has spoken to you about her behaviour?

Perhaps you could phone up and ask to arrange a meeting with whoever works with her. Tell them you're really worried about her behaviour and aren't sure what to do about it for the best. Have a meeting and talk it all through, it really helpful to have that conversation because then they will see you're on board and concerned and want to help the situation and will hopefully then be more helpful and supportive.

Remember you cannot control her behaviour at nursery. Mine was far better behaved at home than at school when he was young - turned out he had ASD and was overwhelmed at school and just needed some things put in place to help him cope. He's a teen now and very well behaved.

I work in a preschool with this age. It's fairly common especially with Covid kids (living through lockdowns) who are single children (no siblings) and not used to being with other kids. I'd say the worst thing is to remove her. You could ask about reducing hours but if they are funded by the government for her to be there 15 hours then they can't agree for you to bring her less. You could decide to do this yourself and they have no control over that and will just mark as absent

Actually the continuity of everyday is probably going to be more helpful her. She will learn the routines and boundaries much more easily. I would definitely only do half days though. She might be missing you and this is her way of expressing that so I definitely wouldn't take her in and out as that will be confusing and create anxiety.

I'm sure she will learn. It's very early days. We have a child who is constantly pushing and snatching who has been with us nearly a year now, but there are definitely other issues with him. That is highly unusual. Again, if there are special needs with your child, nursery are best placed to spot these.

Finally, often the children who don't understand rules don't have them at home. They kick and hit their parents with no consequence. It's hard for them to understand a child at nursery is different. Do not allow your child to hit you. Also, teach patience. She can't have everything she wants immediately, as in nursery she will need to wait for a toy to play with it. Also she can't have everything she wants full stop eg. When you are shopping, do you tend to buy what she asks for? Does she tend to eat only eat what she likes? If she is used to being the centre of a universe, it takes some time adjusting (as a toddler particularly!) that you need to control impulses, follow rules and boundaries etc.

Don't pull her off if you're happy with the setting.

Poor behaviour is sometimes just that, but often it is a symptom of other issues. If there are some additional needs that need investigation, you're much better off getting the ball rolling early with school-based referrals now (which can take years)and have a chance to get support in place now than when waiting until she's in reception.

I would ask for a meeting with the nursery teachers to ask how they can help to address the behaviour. We are 4 weeks into a new term - children process the start of something new differently. Some cry from day one, others come in really well then bit the wall a few weeks later resulting in not wanting to come in or knowing how to regulate their emotions. How is her speech? If she isn't speaking well this can result in snatching and hitting as it's her way of getting across what she wants.

Don't stress (easy enough to say) too much or take her away but work with the nursery. They are professionals who have seen it all before and will have strategies for dealing with it.

If you take her away she will feel confused but will also feel that if she doesn't like anything all she has to do is hit and she will be taken away.

Have a look around your area to see what other providers there are. The school nursery may be too large and formal for her. Look at smaller preschools and childminders. Don't place too much on her having to go to the school nursery as she is going to the school. I send children to different schools, sometimes on their own, but they will make friends wherever they have come from.

Funding can be changed if you want to drop her hours. Better at half term but can be done mid term with the completion of an amendment form. If you take her away with the intention of sending her elsewhere it depends on your notice period so you may find that you can't claim funding until January.

As I said I would talk to the nursery but would also advise giving it a few more weeks as it takes time to settle in and find their feet.

If you pull her out now the she learns that if she hits she doesn’t have to go anymore. This isn’t something you want her to learn before she starts school as she can’t be taken out of there.

Did you not do any socialisation with her before putting her in nursery 5 mornings a week?

I would stick with it, speak to the teaches. Maybe drop down to an hour and day and then build up the time if needed but stick with the 5 days to keep routines and give her an immersive experience.

If she's only just started (sounds like she has?) then it's far too soon to take her out. She will learn appropriate behaviours much more quickly around other children and qualified early learning staff. It's not uncommon for pre school children to lash out when they first start, they have to learn things like sharing that they often never have before.

If her behaviours is bad, the teachers will deal it not and tell you at the end mod every day.

I think taking her out now won't help her longer term. She'll love it once she gets used to the new routine.