I got it first!

[Mayaral]

I’m quite frustrated when both children claim they ‘got the object first’ and there is nothing I can do about it to find out who actually did, (especially when it comes to food delivery like snack boxes, “I took the fries out of the bag first!”) what do I do in these types of fights?

My instinctive reaction is to say that if people are going to be so precious over it that it causes fights, nobody is having it (or if it's food, you control the distribution). They will soon learn to take turns/share nicely...

(I should have said - I have a high cupboard that often has a toy or two perched on top for a day or so due to this issue. I take action swiftly and mean it. Then don't seem to have problems for a while!).

Just say you don't care/ it really doesn't matter or ignore it? Do you mean they won't share things? So your example of the fries - they are for sharing so it makes no difference who got them first. Or in that particular situation say no one is having them if they argue - and stick to it.

In your example, what does it matter? Surely fries are shared, not that whoever gets them first eats them all?

Fighters like an audience

If it’s a situation where getting to it first means that only one can have it then take it away and no one will have it.

If it’s meaningless (ie with the fries surely it doesn’t matter who gets it first as they’re for sharing??) then ignore.

Take whatever it is away. Tell them if they are going to tease and provoke each other, then neither of them will have it/them/whatever. And mean it.

Or ignore it. Just don't look.

Yes if it not obvious that one is truly the wronged party/I saw it then I treat them equally and calmly take the item away.

If children are fighting treating them equally is often best because otherwise it's easy to get into a pattern where one of them always gets told off but the other one does subtle snide things that wind the other one up that don't get seen.

Hopefully they'll eventually develop better interpersonal problem solving skills. You can model it

Yes there are different packets of fries and they are supposed to each choose a packet. Then this fight starts...

It's also with car seats 'I sat here last, no I did!'

are the fries different? I'd go with I choose or half of each packet each divided out by me.

car seats urrr unless they're the exact size then the head rest would be set at a particular child's height and that would be their seat always. if they're big enough not to be in a child seat then they should be told to pack it in as they're too big to squabble like toddlers

Thanks for the replies everyone.

The last issue I have is when I am on the road and the 2 are fighting and I just want them to be quiet but I can't manage to make them stop yelling at eachother and provoking eachother further...

My auntie would have this problem and pull over to give each child of hers a good hit but that doesn't sit well with me.

Sometimes you need to use your head first, and clearly tell them what will be happening in order to avoid a fight.

1.Car, kids are given an assigned seat, and it remains the same, every trip, regardless of what car etc.
2.Any and all takeaways etc are handed out by you, and only you. Anyone who 'steals' something from the bag gets it taken away immediately.
3.Any toy being 'fought over' gets taken away for the rest of the day.
4.Any arguments about what to watch on TV means TV switched off, and no-one gets to watch anything.
5.If someone breaks someone else's toy/thing, they have to pay to replace it from their own pocket money.
6.When sharing a cake etc, one cuts and the other chooses which slice they'd like first. (This has resulted in many an extremely accurately cut cake/pizza etc lol including scales and measuring tapes !)

Just decide ahead of time what you want to happen, then tell them. Zero 'discussions' about 'turns' or 'but he got it last time' etc, from now on, you're the decider !

Turn the radio up in the car when they start shouting personally my eldest hated "the wind" so when he was a bickering five year old ignoring his parents asking him to stop down came the windows then they went back up and he was asked again to stop sometimes he got cold mostly he stopped

If mine fight over someone no one gets it. Easiest way. I say this and then it usually makes them come to an agreement of how to share it on their own.

Op, I agree that 'hitting' is not an option, but you can still simply park and turn to talk to them. Tell them they can either apologise to each other and then stay quiet for the rest of the car trip, or you're going straight back home and suffer the consequences.
You simply do not carry on with the journey until they are both quiet.

It should also be followed up by them suffering the 'consequences' if they don't do as you've requested.

Mine used to have to do things like

1. Explain to their Dad why we were having beans on toast for supper because I hadn't managed to reach the shops to buy what I'd planned for supper. (He was always 'very disappointed' in them, which they hated)
2. Not get to swimming/sports class or wherever we were headed and had to stay home, as well as 'explain' to their 'coach' why they hadn't attended the last class (Also really hated doing this, because it forced them to verbally acknowledge to another adult their bad behaviour and they were ashamed)

Basically whatever it took to get them to suffer the consequences and admit their bad behaviour to people they didn't want to be embarrassed/ashamed in front of.

It's like the abusive adult who is all 'sweetness and light' publicly, until you shine a light onto the bad behaviour by telling people ? Same general principle.