How do you ^not^ get attached to dc's boyfriend/girlfriend?

[MrsBennetsPoorNerves]

DD's boyfriend spends a lot of time at our house. They have been together for a while, and I really like him. I have the impression that his parents are getting quite fond of dd too. She is invited to all their family occasions etc. He has been to a few of ours as well. They're not the type to disappear off up to their rooms as soon as they arrive - they each spend quite a lot of time doing stuff with each other's families.

They're great together and they're both very mature/emotionally intelligent, but they're also both extremely young (only 17), so the chances are very high that they will go their separate ways at some point, especially when they both go off to uni next year. I obviously want to be able to support dd properly, if and when that time comes, without my own feelings being a factor. How on earth do you avoid getting too attached to someone when you inevitably end up spending quite a lot of time with them?

Well I've just been invited to the graduation dinner of my son's ex-girlfriend so I don't have any advice!

Ah, that's lovely! Sounds like they must have ended it amicably. I would like to think that dd and bf would be able to stay friends...

Oh I still miss the little girl my son was 'going out with' when they were both 9!!
My son is now 18 and is with another really lovely girl. I dread to think of them splitting up but as you say, it's so hard not to get attached.

Glad it isn't just me!!

I met DH when I was 17. Now in my late 30s, been married for 14 years and we have a DS so you never know!

Although I’m paying attention to replies for when DS grows up and has partners.

My parents made the mistake of letting my sister see their grief when she split up with her first boyfriend. It really hurt her. Their grief was real but I feel should have been kept between themselves and never shown to my sister.

I believe rather than trying not become attached if you think they’re lovely or worry that you’re not if you don’t like them, focus on developing a healthy connection that is real and natural but always built on a foundation that they came into your life because of your shared affection of the same person, your child. I plan to view my children’s partners as an extension of my children like the children of my dearest friends have been as they’ve been born. Some of the children I’ve found easier to get along with that others but I hope my friends and their children would never feel this.

Our eldest has just told her he’s got his first girlfriend- took him months to tell us. I’ve told him she’s welcome anytime and happy to meet her whenever they’re both ready for us too. We have an annual trip to cinema at Xmas that’s somehow become a lovely family tradition so I asked him if she wants to come as a gentle way of letting him know we’re ready to expand our family unit when he wants us to and I guess in the long term let him be free to build his own where we will always be his parents but parents to an independent adult.

Yes, dd's bf's parents got together when they were very young, and they seem very happy, so I'm aware that it can last. At the same time, statistically, I know it probably isn't likely. Time will tell, I suppose!

I must be really stand offish because I can't say I've ever been emotionally attached to their boyfriends I mean j liked them (well except 1 ) but not to the point I missed them when they broke up.

Mine are now living with their partners but I still don't think I'd miss them if they split up,

Firstly - it sounds like they are in a healthy and equal relationship, so this is great for their development regardless of whether or not it lasts.

Secondly - when my DS and his lovely GF split, I supported him as much as possible (he's v private so didn't want chats/ice cream etc). The GF mum and I messaged each other saying what a shame it was. But that's it. Then you have to be a role model of moving on. Honestly its like every other parenting task you have ever done, it will come naturally.

Thirdly - a wise lady with much older children than mine, told me to treat all the people your kids date the same regardless of how much you like them. They will come and go, your relationship with your own children is priority. Letting chilled person A come on holiday but 6 months later not letting annoying person B come on holiday is a recipe for disaster.

I'm sure you're not standoffish @Mrsjayy. Maybe some people just form attachments more quickly than others?

@Arucanafeather , maybe you're right that it isn't about trying not to get attached as such, but rather about managing any attachment in such a way that it doesn't ever impact on dd like it did for your poor sister. The last thing I would want to do in the event of a break up would be to make it about my feelings!!!

Sounds advice @CrapBucket. I will keep that all in mind.

And yes, it does seem to be a very healthy, mutually respectful relationship. They have very sweetly talked about things that they would like to do together in the future, but they don't actually plan anything too far ahead because they don't want to put that sort of pressure on each other or on the relationship.

My DS and DIL got together when they were 17 and they are now 31 with a child and appear to be very happy, but who knows if it will last?

She's wonderful and I love her.

I have no helpful advice for you.

Yes this! @CrapBucket has succinctly put what I attempting to say.

DS1 and his girlfriend got together at 15, now 20 and still strong even with her away at uni! She definitely feels like part of the family, I can't imagine how it'd feel if they split up. So no advice but definitely understand how you feel.

We got together at 17 and just celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary! But we really bonded with my son’s girlfriend when they were 15-17; she was a lovely girl so difficult not to. But when they broke up she stayed friends with my daughter so we still see her so win-win!! But it was hard and you absolutely can’t show that to your child, or your reaction becomes a factor in them deciding on their own relationships.

I think @CrapBucket said what I probably meant, your priority is to your own children, we have always treated the boyfriends the same but once they split up you have to move on.

I was with my ex for 11 years split up 7 years ago now (I’m now with someone else)

I’ve kept in touch with his family. They were very good to me. Opened their home up to me and treated me as one of their own. I don’t have contact with him but occasionally have a coffee with his mum and sisters.

I was with my ex boyfriend from age 17 to 33, and naturally very close to his family and he was close to mine. I remember my ex’s mum talking about a boyfriend of his sister and that when they’d split up it felt to her like he had died- that’s how upset she was. My relationship with my ex was very unhealthy and in all honesty we should have split up after a couple of years but that comment from his mum always stayed with me. When I ended it after 16 years, they never spoke to me again. I’m now with a new partner and my parents have mentioned that they find it weird because they don’t “know” him in the same way they knew my ex - which I think is understandable given the first 8 years with my ex we both lived with parents so naturally spent more time around them. I would echo others views and try not to let your own feelings show, particularly in the case of break ups.

My in laws adored DH’s ex, who he was with from 16-24. Me less so. They continued to have a relationship with her until DH and I had been together for around 4 years, at which point she found a new partner and a new set of in laws. DH and I have been together for 13 years now but I’m sure they’d still rather he’d have married her.
Anyway I guess my point is that it was quite hurtful to me and made DH’s life difficult when the in laws refused to let the relationship ‘go’. They were so attached to her that they tried to continue things in the same way as previously, just without DH’s involvement! Don’t be like them if/when they split 😂

Thanks for all of the replies. It gprs without saying that dd is of course my priority, and always will be. I would never want her to feel that she had to consider my feelings when thinking about her relationships, or for her to feel that I wouldn't be 100% supportive of her choosing not to be with someone if it wasn't right for her. I'm also mindful of not getting so attached to this bf that it becomes a hard act to follow for any future partners, particularly as there will never be another time in our lives when we spend as much time with someone after she leaves home.

I guess it's because I can see how these things can get complicated that I started the thread. DD's bf is starting to feel like one of the family, and I was wondering how to carry on welcoming him and including him for dd's sake, without getting too attached myself, because I'm well aware that he isn't actually one of the family.