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DD and dad's new family

13 replies

Xztop · 29/09/2022 21:43

DD is 13, I broke up with her dad about 18 months ago. She stays at his every other weekend and for the first year their relationship improved massively and she looked forward to spending time with him. He then got a new girlfriend (I'm pleased for him and told dd this) but dd doesn't want anything to do with her. Her dad forces them to spend time together and doesn't tell her its happening until the day. For example he told her they were going to the cinema, dd was very excited as he never takes her anywhere and when they got there she was introduced to the new girlfriends children without her dad telling her first. Every time she sees him now she is upset because of something he's done and I have to pick up the pieces. Dd text her dad to ask if they were doing anything this year and he replied saying yes, they are seeing the girlfriend and kids on Sunday and now dd has told me she is not going to his for the weekend. I don't know how to handle this with my ex? I realise she will have to see them all but she just isn't ready yet. Any advice most welcome!

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MolliciousIntent · 29/09/2022 22:44

Is there a court order? At 13, no judge will make her go if she doesn't want to. Has she told him she doesn't want to spend time with his GF and her kids?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 29/09/2022 22:52

Has she/would she tell him she’d like some time with just him? Maybe a rerun of the cinema just the two of them?

He’s handling it really badly and being sneaky is going to really damage their relationship. But, he might not take it well if you share her feelings with him as he’ll probably feel criticised and get defensive.

I’d try and empower her to be honest with him and hope he responds to that well.

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Xztop · 30/09/2022 06:00

He knows how she feels as she has told him and gets upset but he said she just needs to deal with it (wtf). He is very insensitive, always has been, so whatever she says he won't listen to. I had 11 years of being on the receiving end so I know what he's like!

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ClocksGoingBackwards · 30/09/2022 06:20

I wouldn’t make her go anymore. She’s old enough to decide she doesn’t want to go and if she’s already told her dad how she feels, there’s not much else that can be done.

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Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 06:28

i was in your position. I sent ex a text saying exactly how my daughter felt and that she wasn’t coming for the weekend as she wasn’t ready. I also suggested he do things just him and dd, until she felt more secure and try again further down the line.

He kicked off, threatened to take me to court if I didn’t make her. He was going for legal advice, as I understood it he was told it would be a no go due to dds age. He told dd this and said he would need evidence I was cohersing her and asked dd to send him screen shots of mine and dds messages. I told dd to go ahead as I have nothing to hide but dd refused.

She is 18 now and they have a very poor relationship. She treats him more like a distant relation she has to contact every so often as she feels sorry for him.

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Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 06:30

Xztop · 30/09/2022 06:00

He knows how she feels as she has told him and gets upset but he said she just needs to deal with it (wtf). He is very insensitive, always has been, so whatever she says he won't listen to. I had 11 years of being on the receiving end so I know what he's like!

Wow it’s actually so similar. My dd avoids telling him anything because ‘he is so sensitive and gets upset easily’

Dd is learning that actually it’s a manipulation Tactic. Which it actually is. The whole ‘feel sorry for me and let me have my way’ is manipulative and abusive.

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LadyCluck · 30/09/2022 06:37

It’s so important that she gets time with just her Dad.

He’s not going about this the right way and he risks completely ruining their relationship.

Im a SM and I appreciate how tricky it can be balancing it all but his priority right now needs to be his daughter. Forcing the situation on her is really not fair.

I agree with a pp who said encourage her to be honest with him.

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SheldontheWonderSchlong · 30/09/2022 06:37

My DD's dad was the same. When I told him how she felt, he kicked off saying he wasn't going to be told what to do by a child.

Their relationship wasn't good in the first place, but this really didn't help. She's seen him about twice in the last year, and the last time she said she never wanted to see him again. She won't talk about him and says she doesn't like him or miss him (although she is aspie which probably has something to do with it).

He's not particularly bothered and now only texts about every few months to see how she is.

What is it with these men? Is it just a sense of entitlement that they can do what they want and the child should just put up and shut up?

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crosbystillsandmash · 30/09/2022 06:42

Xztop · 30/09/2022 06:00

He knows how she feels as she has told him and gets upset but he said she just needs to deal with it (wtf). He is very insensitive, always has been, so whatever she says he won't listen to. I had 11 years of being on the receiving end so I know what he's like!

This is exactly what my ex was like.
As soon as he met his now wife, he never spent anytime just with our dc

Dd eventually stopped going, I tried to delicately explain the issue when she was younger but he seemed totally blind/uninterested.

She eventually stopped going to stay aged 15/16 and now is totally non contact with her Dad (she's 22)
It's been tough and she has has therapy to come to terms with it but she is happy and doing well in life.

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crosbystillsandmash · 30/09/2022 06:43

SheldontheWonderSchlong · 30/09/2022 06:37

My DD's dad was the same. When I told him how she felt, he kicked off saying he wasn't going to be told what to do by a child.

Their relationship wasn't good in the first place, but this really didn't help. She's seen him about twice in the last year, and the last time she said she never wanted to see him again. She won't talk about him and says she doesn't like him or miss him (although she is aspie which probably has something to do with it).

He's not particularly bothered and now only texts about every few months to see how she is.

What is it with these men? Is it just a sense of entitlement that they can do what they want and the child should just put up and shut up?

Yep, spot on.
Male entitlement. The world would be a different place if it was eradicated!

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Isaidnoalready · 30/09/2022 06:46

My 13 year old has a similar father he only spends a couple of hours a week with him his girlfriend attends for one of those because he can't be away from her for an entire hour 💔 😢 🙄the whole reason contact was cut down (by him) in the first place was children services said his previous girlfriend had no reason to be around them (she has lost hers and they have a history of violence together) so rather than prioritise his children he cut the time

You will never win they will be set on this happy blended family at all costs tripe and won't listen to the child's reasoning ds regularly refuses to go now and ds2 refused to go for a few years the new girlfriend is nice I believe (not like the last one) but it's an hour why not prioritise your kid? They will be grown up and gone before you know it

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warofthemonstertrucks · 30/09/2022 07:07

My ex is also like this. One of our DD's does not like his girlfriend. He has forced them together, shouted at her, cried, given her his sad disappointed face, accused me of manipulating her, the lot.
Surprisingly none of that has endeared the new girlfriend to DD, though to date she has maintained a decent relationship with her Dad (when the girlfriend isn't there at least)-except she strongly believes he puts his girlfriend before her so some of the trust they had is gone. I stay out of it. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I just tell her she must be at a minimum polite and hopefully she will grow to like her in time.

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Xztop · 30/09/2022 16:20

Thanks everyone for your comments.

I text my ex and told him she wouldn't be staying all weekend. He said he is upset as he loves her and wished she would make an effort (!!!) and his girlfriend and her children will be upset and think she doesn't like them. No mention of dd and how she feels at all sigh

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