Was I wrong to ask gp to give Ds some space?

[RelationshipsAreTooHard]

Ds is 5. He scares easily and doesn't like to he on his own. However, since this year he was a lot more independent, playing in his room on his own, going up and down the house as he wanted, going along to the bathroom, etc.

Then my dmil came to visit and basically spent every minute that ds wasn't at school with him. He wasn't alone for a second (she'd even follow him into the bathroom or sit right next to him even when he was occupied with his tablet, which is the only time when he absolutely doesn't want anyone around as we are quite strict with Screentime and he doesn't want to miss a second of it). I didn't mind as she hadn't seen him for a couple of years because of covid and probably wanted to make the most of her limited time here but I could see ds regressing and getting too used to someone being around all the time.

DMil has left but dfil is going to stay for another two months. (I don't have a problem with that at all..he's super helpful with the kids and everything and we get along well). So since mil has left ds has just started becoming a little independent again but recently I've noticed that fil has started trying to be around ds more so that again ds doesn't get any time to be on his own. Today when ds was going to the toilet fil accompanied him (ie he waited outside the toilet. He wasn't inside or even looking in but he was just hanging around close by so Ds doesn't feel scared). I told him he doesn't have to accompany ds to the toilet and Ds needs to learn to spend a few minutes a day on his own again.

I think I am right in that ds should spend at least a few minutes every day on his own and he needs to learn again to go alone to the toilet but I'm worried that fil felt bad. He immediately went to bed after that.

Someone please tell me I'm not super controlling for asking for a bit of space for Ds? At least when he's going to the toilet?

Whyyyyyyy is your FIL living with you for two months?! I hope he's paying rent!

They follow him to the toilet? That's intrusive & not normal, unless your DS has specifically said he wants or needs this for any reason.

What a nightmare

your poor child

Like I said I don't have a problem with that and I'm happy for his help. This isn't about that. And no, I'd never ask a family member to pay rent.

Why are they following him around - that is not normal

Well, yes, Ds does ask for it as he feels scared to be alone in a room. I have been trying to wean him off it. Since he can use the toilet independently I don't go in with him anymore (especially not at home) though when he insists I sometimes drop him off there or stay within ear shot.

But yes, Ds was very happy I suppose about mil staying with him and when I asked fil to not hang around Ds said he wants him to be there as he gets scared.

Your DS is scared, his grandparents like to be with him, and vice versa. Don’t let him be scared unnecessarily.

I'd say it's very unusual for a 5yr old to be too scared to go to the bathroom alone. What's he frightened of? Did something happen to him at some point, is this a trauma response?

No. He says he thinks of scary things, which could be scary tv characters, but then even stuff like paw patrol scares him so it's not like he's watching anything inappropriate), or ships scare him for some reason (seeing one or thinking of one).

I'd like him to gradually get used to being more independent again as he used to. He was doing so well before mil came.

Also, what are we going to do when dfil leaves? This isn't sustainable.

The toilet thing I should have probably nipped in the bud right when it started or asked ds to always close the door when using the toilet as I tell him to when other people are here but I always feel that with the grand parents I need to pick my battles. I mean it's like I'm very happy for them to play with ds when I'm super busy with something but then I try to police their interactions when I'm not busy.

The thing is dfil didn't do this till a couple of days ago so I wonder if dmil put him up to it (because she knows that Ds is scared and because she likes him being involved with the grandkids) so I wanted to not let dfil get into this habit but now I'm worried I offended him.

(Sorry about the overly long sentences)

I would definitely have a chat to FIL and say that as DS is now school age, he needs to be left to manage things by himself more and more.

He is only 5. If he feels empowered to ask someone to come with him whilst he goes to the loo, then surely that's better than him being afraid to go anywhere. Worse still, being afraid to voice his fears.

Ps. I'm still scared of the dark!

Surely no 5 yo is scared of being in their own home? Actually sounds like mil has made him feel he can't be alone. Fil is reinforcing it!
Make a little schedule for ds where he has to pop to his room to put things away - alone. Time him from downstairs while he goes for a wee - alone. Are they worried he won't 'need' them if he is independent?

Why is he scared in his own home? Has something happened?

No, nothing. Is it that uncommon? He's always scared easily even when he was a toddler. He isn't scared of the house but of being alone anywhere. I really don't know why. He says he's just thought of something scary (like a scary tv show character but he doesn't watch anything particularly scary or age inappropriate. Even seemingly harmless stuff sometimes seems to scare him, or a ship, or a whale, shark or dinosaur).

Well as I've said he's always scared easily but since he can use the toilet and wash his hands I've always drawn the line at accompanying him into the bathroom.

I ask him to get stuff from other rooms and I'm trying to gradually get him to do this more often or stay for longer and we've got a few strategies that help him with this.

As I said he'd gotten much better but has now regressed again.

I think this is very unusual OP. I've never known a 5 year old to want someone to escort them around their own house.

I think you're 100% doing the right thing though - how does he cope in school? Or at a friend's?

Oh no. Is it? He seems fine outside and doesn't have any problems at school. No problems using the toilet at friends' houses, I think.

I would say it’s very unusual. It would make more sense it he was scared at school etc (big unfamiliar environment) Home is where he should feel relaxed and safe. I’d be quite worried something was going on tbh.

I think you should just focus on the toilet thing, so FIL feels he is helping by saying "off you go, I'll wait here for you to get back" rather than telling him that he's not giving him any space, as if he's wrong. Telling FIL what you do want and why is better than basically telling him he's being annoying.

I'd also try to teach DS to say that he'd like some quiet time.