Going to a stay & play alone

[RedRobyn2021]

I'm going to a stay and play on Friday, I don't know anybody going and it's a possibility that nobody will talk to me as they can be quite cliquey there.

I have a friend who usually comes but she won't be going anymore, I still want to go because my daughter loves it.

I will obviously say hello to everyone and get a cup of coffee, but would I be weird to sit on my phone a bit whilst there if nobody speaks to me?

It's kind of a horrible feeling like nobody likes you. But we need to get out the house and DD will enjoy it. It's 2 hours long.

How old is DD? Because realistically you should be keeping an eye on her if you're not actively playing with her.

Go in with your head held high, big smile, say a big cheery "Good Morning Everyone. Here we are again to have fun playing"
Put your child down to play, say hello to the children and start playing.
If the other parents are too much of a group of cows to talk to you at least you can have fun with the train set.

She is 19 months

Thank you

I think it's completely normal to go by yourself, I went to playgroups by myself all of the time. I just played with my dd and made small talk with other parents and any children who were in the area. Did a bit of tidying or changing the water in the painting area, that sort of thing.

You should be watching your child! Fine to glance at your phone, but no, you can't sit there caught up in your phone while your toddler plays unattended.

In terms of making friends, look for other people outside the cliques. Be friendly, but don't take it to heart if they don't want to talk. It's not personal they're just using it as a chance to catch up with a friend rather than make new ones, that's all.

This is a helpful comment....I bet OP didn't realise she's responsible for looking after her DC 🙄

I'd definitely go OP, I've not been for a few years now but back when I was there and i sat with the same group every week, as did everyone else.
Probably made us look cliquey but we thought the other groups were cliques. If I ever saw someone on her own I'd always have included her.
It could be that they're not actually cliquey but as you're usually chatting to your friend they don't want to impose and just leave yih to it (they maybe even see you as your own clique). Going on your own may even actually help break the cycle

This is a helpful comment....I bet OP didn't realise she's responsible for looking after her DC 🙄

Well considering she asked if it's ok to sit there on her phone for a bit it needed to be said.

Jesus christ the pile on about a phone comment, I am sure OP knows she cant sit there glued to a screen!

OP, def go - breezy, smiley - let DD play and sit with your coffee and phone keeping an eye. I went to all groups alone because I have no friends locally. Its totally fine and normal!

If you arent confident then perhaps try something else for the day?

Go, your daughter will have fun and, at worst, it's a couple of slightly awkward hours!

Over the years I've realised that it's up to me to make the effort, people don't tend to go out of their way (often because of their own lack of confidence or assumption that you're happy by yourself) but are often friendly once you start chatting. This sort of thing used to terrify me but it gets easier plus is a confidence boost in myself for trying.

Could you grab your coffee then go over, be smiley and friendly and ask to join them? Insert yourself into their group and try and get to know them? If they're not welcoming, that's on them not you, and you still have your phone/a book/playing with your daughter for back-up.

Good luck 🙂

Yes, I regularly go to these kind of groups with my DD and don't usually say a word to anyone except to say hello on the way in. Quite a few other mums are the same. Just remember we are all too self involved to worry about what anyone else is doing

Should have said no, it won't be weird, instead of yes!

Blimey I am not an outgoing person by any means, but have 5 kids and went to every single mum and baby group I ever went to alone. Didn’t have a mobile phone back then either. Just enjoy watching your littlun interacting with the other kids and make she plays nicely and the two hours will whizz by.

Why aren't you engaging and playing with DC?

Of course if you sit staring at your phone, no polite adult will interrupt you or intrude.

Go along by yourself - you’ll usually find someone else in the same boat who will chat. The great thing about toddlers is they are a good talking point, so there are loads of openers available to you - how old is she, is she your only one, I love her little dress etc

My kids are almost adults but I still keep up with the mums I met at playgroup. I suppose we did become a clique in a way, but we all started out on our own and welcomed new people.

Thank you for your comments. Feeling a lot better, even though logically I know there must be other parents that go to these things alone it doesn't feel like it at the time, it feels like everyone knows each other and you are some kind of ogre lol. I have been on my own there before and felt so awkward.

A few months ago I went to one and saw a mum sat on her own, her DD had actually fallen asleep and I plucked up the courage to have a nice chat with her and it was great.

I just need to keep going because I'm not going to make any more mum-friends if I don't make the effort to at least go to these things.

Also, I do like to play with my daughter but most of the mums with walking-age children sit at a table and just let their kids play without them. So previously, I have wondered if I'm being overbearing.

I don't think you should necessarily play with her, they do need the space to play independently, but you should probably watch her from the adult seating area and be on hand to intervene if necessary.

Good luck! It does sound like this particular group doesn't have a great atmosphere (for the adults at least!).

The purpose of stay and play is to encourage interaction between dc and help with social skills. If a mum sat for 2 hrs and played with her dc she'd be as well staying at home.
Obviously she needs supervision from a safe distance, I would assume that would go with it saying.

How is glancing at your phone any different than turning and talking to another mum for a few seconds mid conversation. Or should parents not interact in real life either in case they take their eye off their dc for a few seconds....ffs

@stickynoter sitting on your phone isn't the same as glancing at your phone.

Talking to someone also supervising their child isn't the same as sitting invested in a Mumsnet thread or stuck on a level in candy crush.

Walk down the road on your phone then walk down the road chatting to a friend. They're entirely different so there's really no reason for your bizarrely aggressive responses.

So my DS is only 6mo but I've been to baby classes alone with him, including one where I stuck around for a bit afterwards and played on the mat and equipment with him. I didn't get chatting to anyone but I felt quite comfortable.

Slightly different I know as your DD is older and presumably will run around and play independently, but once DS is at that stage I would still feel comfy going alone.

Yes it’s fine to go on your own so please go but don’t play on your phone. Your little one is young and needs monitored but also if your face is in the phone your not engaging or showing any interest in conversation so nobody can talk to you even if they might want to. Go in smile, say hi to people and try strike up a conversation.

I always treated baby/ toddler groups as a chance to wear out my LO- i had a few good convos but never felt the need to make friends. I think most people are friendly and like a chat- confidence is key.

If you always go with your friend do you not think that looks cliquey to a random parent on their own?! I go to loads of stuff on my own, I say hi to people, have a chat if possible/I'm not exhausted but if not I'll just help DD if she needs it and drink my tea. I usually give the nans a hand in the kitchen washing the mugs!

I thought the whole point of these places was to make friends so thought people went on their own? If people only go with friends then what’s the point as that will be hard for people to then make friends if they are on their own won’t want to approach friends chatting? Thought people went on their own 🤷‍♀️

Yes and no.

You might initially go to make friends, but continue to use the venue as a meeting point. I have done this with baby classes since my home is not set up for multiple babies!