Am I expecting too much?

[jenburton]

I have a 3mo little boy, and I love him dearly but this boy does not sleep night or day! His dad works Monday-Friday and doesn't help when I gets in, just goes to smoke, or shower or sit on his phone... Am I expecting too much of him for him to just take over for a couple hours in the evening? Or should I not expect help because he works? Im mum 24/7, I cook, clean, do the shopping, pay the bills, do the school runs and will be doing all that plus going back to work in January? I love doing all of this but just wonder if I shouldn't be asking him for help?

My DP gave birth and at 3 months I was working full time. When I came in I was immediately handed the baby! He also wasn't a sleeper and was only happy in the sling or bring held, so after a full day of that DP needed some time without humans. I really liked it, we tended to go out for a walk, then by the time we were home DP felt functional again. Then I tended to cook, but we did really quite heavily on shove in the oven meals until DS achieved some measure of sleep.

I get that you do need a bit of decompression after work, and I had that on the commute home, but he should definitely be helping.

He's an utter prick OP, I'm sorry

Yeah not pulling his weight, I used to practically throw the baby at Dh when he came in. He understood this completely.

Having a job does not eradicate his parenting responsibilities. Of course he should be helping.

Of course he should be helping - he helped create your lovely baby! And actually it shouldn’t be referred to as helping as it’s just as much his responsibility as yours.

The way I see it: You both work 9-5 (or whatever), him at work and you at home. From 5pm-9 everything should be 50-50 shared. He sounds awful....

I could have written this.

I went back to work at 3 months.
DH looked after dc1 for the next month.
Most days, as I walked in, dc was handed to me and dh just needed a complete break from him for a bit.

You shouldn't be "asking dp to help" you should be "expecting him to co-parent".
Just put the baby in his arms and go out for a walk.

No, he shouldn't be 'helping '.

He should be parenting.

I had a non sleeping baby. DH worked outside the house from 8-6, the moment he walked through the door after work he was handed DS while I cooked a very quick dinner and then I headed to bed. Aim was to be in bed by 7 and DH would have DS until midnight at which point I would take over. That way both of us got 5-6 hours sleep a night. On Friday and Saturday nights we swapped and we also took turns to have lie ins. It was very much survival mode but we faced it as a team and it is a distant memory now. Your partner should be co parenting not helping. He should be wanting to be fully involved in his DCs life.

I feel like I am being completely unreasonable asking him to just take the baby for 5 mins. Well that's how I'm made to feel. He works 8-5, i won't completely bad mouth him as he does sometimes cook but everything else is just left to me. You know it would just be nice to walk into the kitchen and him wipe up his crumbs, or that he hasn't left his dirty underwear on the floor for me to move 2 metres to the wash basket. The bare minimum really. But the response I get is 'I work'.

It doesn't sound like he does any parenting at all or contributes much to family life. I can't understand why he thinks this way. When I was on maternity leave DH cooked all evening meals, made my breakfast, cleaned the house on Saturday mornings, bathed the kids, fed the cat, groomed the cat and more. I cared for the baby in the day, breastfed the baby, gave the cat his medicine, did the laundry and took care of all finances and planning/organising. Now I'm back at work full-time it's the same except I don't care for the baby in the day and I get my own breakfast at work. I work 8-5 and it sounds like a pre-kids dream getting home and relaxing but we both work hard on parenting and household tasks and don't get to relax till after the kids are in bed.

What an idiot! My dh was up at 4am this morning to go to work. It's a stressful nhs frontline role so he didn't get home until 8pm. He was gutted he had missed the kids' bedtime but did other stuff instead. Got the bins in, tidied up the Lego, lots of other jobs. If I tell him not to worry etc he just insists and says that we are a team. This is what you deserve too op

@Kite22 @Endlesslaundry123 this!!! Great advice

@DreamingofItaly2023 that's similar to what we do

So our bubs is 10wks and not a great sleeper at night. We don't really sleep as she's no noisy and has reflux

It's been a very hard tough 10 wks for us

But we get through it by working as a team
We share sleep similar to dreaming of Italy
We try and get a solid 6hrs each so that we can both focus the next day. Doesn't seem near enough to me ! But it's fair. He appreciates that the baby is harder then work sometimes!! It's relentless
Whilst she is at this age when she's refluxy, cryey constant feeds and nappies and always washing and housework to keep on top of
He has always helped (hate that word as it's not help but you know what I mean) 50:50 sometimes more if I'm holding the baby consoling her but my away times are bath/shower to get away, sleep, that's about it at the moment. Just keeping on top of house and meal times and taking care of our 11 yr old and being there for her are all accomplishments in themselves and I feel happier once they are all ok.

X

Your partner is a lazy prick.

Its HIS child. What does he think being a parent is?

You are not expected to look after a baby for 24 hours a day.

Any time before and after work its 50/50 completely.

Please do not stand for this lazy entitled wanker behaviour.

You're expecting too little.

That's probably why you've ended up with a baby with such a dreadful tool.

Oh your poor duck ….. I have a 10 week old and like other posters when DP comes he she is handed over as I need to decompress, have a shower etc

Work is sooo much easier than a newborn ( I’m a teacher I’d rather 25 10 year olds to full on newborn) your DH is a twat… Hand the baby over on a Saturday or Sunday and go out for a few hours let’s see what he thinks is easier working or a newborn