Hi all,
New to mumsnet, just came on here because I'm seriously needing a safe space to vent away from the judgement and unhelpful, rescuing behaviour from my friends and family, who I know are absolutely trying their best to be helpful, but I'm just desperately needing my feelings to be heard. Please be gentle in your responses. Here goes, it's a long one...
So, single, first-time mother over here! I have a beautiful eight month old daughter, who is a full on, energy-filled, curious, adventuring, firework in a tin can soul; loving and excited, permanently roaring with mad energy and ready to go as soon as her wee eyes are open (actually, sometimes when they're still shut too!).
My ex didn't want to have anymore children (I was his second wife, he has two children with the first). And tbh, I didn't think with having PCOS that I would be having any children either, but here we are! As soon as we'd found out that I was pregnant - BANG! Relationship over. And that's OK, that's his choice. I'm long over that scenario.
When my marriage first ended I genuinely didn't think I'd make it. The horror of having to leave a secure life you've built with someone, especially over quite a long period of time, is utterly terrifying. Honestly, I didn't think I even knew how to pay a bill before the end of our marriage. BUT, I've finally got my ducks in a row and finally managed to purchase a home of my own! Yes, ladies! I'm going out and doing that independent woman shizz! And it feels A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!
We are a tiny family; only me, my daughter and my dad. My mother died when I was sixteen - complications of MS sadly, a terrible age to lose a parent.
Because of this, dad and I have remained close through some difficult years. And so I can confidently say that I am where I am in my life thanks to him. When my husband told me our marriage was over because I was keeping our child, my dad stepped up to the challenge without hesitation and has given it 100%. I had a C-section and he was there, he was the first person to hold my daughter when she was born, he took early retirement in order to support me and my daughter, spending weeks doing all the evening and night feeds so I could recover from surgery and have time to get back to myself again. He spoils her, naturally, with her being his only grandchild. He let us move in with him for free while I got myself back on my feet. He has been amazing. He adores my daughter and she loves him in return. They have a beautiful relationship. I am incredibly lucky and I know it.
I was feeling absolutely on top of the world; Moving out of my dads home and moving into our forever home with my young daughter and starting our lives properly together. It's exactly where I envisaged our lives going and I thought we were almost there until out of nowhere, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. Literally a week ago.
Ouch.
Completely out of the blue, absolutely no symptoms. He's still a young man(ish, we always joke) - 56. Ex army and still fit (jogging regularly and taking the dogs away hillwalking up the Pentlands daily), relatively healthy but for the odd fish supper, never a smoker, hardly a drinker. And cancer!? What in the world!?
He has it in several places; a huge mass in his large intestine, a 10cm growth in his liver and his spleen having spread through his lymph nodes. I mean, what an earth!?
Well, I'm obviously devasted, terrified as expected, anxious and worried. I'm doing the old secret crying during the night buisness and trying desperately to keep it together through the day. My daughter is lovely but I am mega-stressed! I feel like I've been distant and a bit detached and so feelings of intense guilt are getting at me too.
I've never regretted having my daughter, ever. But to have such a young and energetic baby during such a frightening and stressful time is seriously hard, hard work! I've been pulling back on some of the household chores, not cooking anywhere near as much as usual, the place is a bit of a tip which is very unlike me, I am unorganised and scatty, darting from one job in the house to another and back again, forgetting appointments and getting everything mixed up. It's all down to the stress, obviously. But this is so unlike me. Dealing with grief and sadness and loss and stress and to not even recognise your own self during that process is definitely not helpful, to say the very least!
I know that self-care on my part is definitely needed. And I'm very much based in reality when it comes to dad, I've got a very good idea of where this is going.
This might sound stupid to say, but I'm only thirty, well, not even - I'll be thirty in a couple of weeks. What an age to potentially lose both parents! It doesn't bare thinking about. Eurgh!
But, you know, what can be said? It's a shitty situation. I just wanted someone to hear me. Life is tough sometimes isn't it? My friends keep at me with the whole "you've got to be positive" line, which is so unhelpful! I feel how I feel and that's the end of it. I will not be incongruent and put on a front if that isn't how I feel. I was recently dragged to a late summer BBQ and felt like I had to put on a display; walking about with what felt like a big gargoyle smile stretched across my face. I felt like a fraud to myself. I hated it.
Can we all just agree that life fucking sucks sometimes!?
I mean, when it's good - it's great! But when it's bad, my god! It comes at you like a wrecking ball, destroying everything in its path and gets you right in the torso while it's going, just for good measure.
Anyone got any good coping strategies, which doesn't include crying into your pillow at 3am?
Thanks for reading and apologies for being absolutely miserable x
(Ps; like an idiot I accidentally posted this same sad story on someone else's thread - hugely embarrassed. I've only just joined mumsnet today and I have absolutely no idea what an earth I'm doing, so, sorry if you've read this twice and sorry again to the lady posting about her own problems and I started ranting on about myself out of nowhere insert embarrassed face)