To feel I made a mistake having DC2

[Cakeandflowers]

Hi mumsnetters,

Im new to this so hoping I’m posting on the right place here.

I’m feeling sad and guilty since the arrival of DC2 and can’t help feeling a sense of regret and that I’ve made a mistake which is awful as I know many people will feel blessed to have a healthy baby.

I have a lovely 3 year DS1 and feel so sad that our relationship has changed since arrival of DD who is now 2 months. today he told me he like me a little but he likes daddy a lot, would not let me take him out and only daddy 😔

We were incredibly close before, I was a SAHM until he was 22 months then went back PT/took a step back in my career so I could still be with him during the early years. We also co slept for nearly 3 years (please don’t judge).

Since DD arrived he’s become daddy’s boy (although it was going that way - they do all the fun stuff together like swimming, cars etc, dad is very hands on when he’s not working). And now DH does his bedtime/sleeps with him when needed.
I feel I have no time for him as I’m either breastfeeding, putting baby to sleep, carrying her in sling etc.

ive been so sad and cry to myself at time thinking I’ve made a huge mistake having another baby (was unplanned but very much wanted when we found out). I miss our life as 3, and I keep thinking have I compromised DS1 life by having another - from the attention I can give him, the financial support I can now give him now that we have 2 - we are comfortable but I can see there will be less room for luxuries like family holidays, hobbies/activities, being able to save etc with the cost of raising 2.

Any words of wisdom I’m feeling so down and in this spiral of regret.

Bless you, I’ve been there and the guild/sadness is awful. Could dad have baby in a sling whilst you do 3 year ols’s bath or bedtime? Could you make time for play or books and cuddles when baby is asleep? It does get better once everyone has adjusted trust me. Sending lots of love, you sound like a lovely mum and your little ones are lucky to have you xx

Awww OP, I felt very similarly to you after the birth of DC2 (and probably for the first 7 months or so!) It was exacerbated at first by the fact that in the third trimester I had awful sciatica and then had an ELCS, so for a few months I was physically unable to fully care for DC1- be naturally became very attached to DH.

A year on ( so DC2 is now 18 months) and I LOVE being a parent of two. Both DC adore each other and play together, and DC1 firmly has me back as his 'favoured' parent (poor DH). I love it so much now and it's benefitted our family so much that I'm now pregnant with number 3, something I never would have contemplated at this point last year.

Honestly it's natural to feel like that, so don't feel guilty about it. The first few months with having two is SO HARD, and don't get me wrong, sometimes I see my friends with just one child and think they don't realise just how much easier their life is, but when I'm older I don't want to remember an 'easier' life, I want to remember having all of the extra joy that DC2 brought once she stated interacting with us and DC1.

You will love it in a few months, you really will. Hang in there!

Adding another DC does change things for the eldest. Suddenly they get less attention, have to wait for things more and that can be really hard BUT they also gain a sibling and the life long relationship that comes with that. This first bit is just a season. It’s still early days so you’re getting used to balancing both too.

I’ve recently had DC2 and have found that giving DH the baby whilst I give DC1 proper focused 1 on 1 time has helped. Maybe your DH could take the baby whilst you take your DS to the park? Or to a local cafe for a cake as a treat? Try and find something that he would like that you can build into your routine. It doesn’t need to be a huge amount of time, just time where you’re fully with him and not soothing the baby / cleaning the house etc.

@Ilikecheeseontoast DH doesn’t get home from work early enough during the week so I usually get DC1 bathed and ready, then DH will do story and put him to sleep when he gets in so he gets time with him. I’m finding the whole bedtime routine a bit difficult tbh as DC2 is so fussy at this time and rarely likes sitting in the bouncer (we have a babybjorn one) and cries after a few minute of being put in. So I end up doing bedtime routine with baby in sling/crying which isn’t great for Dc1. I guess we could try at the weekend. We are not on a set schedule yet with baby but follow a rhythm based on wake times. I’m wondering if bottle/FF might help?

@spottedgiraffe oh that’s lovely to hear that things got better that’s reassuring and congrats with DC3. I really hope these feelings pass, I feel so awful for DC2, it’s definitely affected my bond with her despite a positive birth experience (water birth) and bfeeding established well. Although I feel like knocking it on the head if it might mean I have more time for DC1 and not having baby on boob most of the time.

@SamanthaVimes yes I would really like to build in some 1 on 1 time with Dc1 but haven’t got to the stage where I feel confident to leave DH with baby because of feeds. To add DH is very hands on and helps around the house cleaning etc. We did finally try yesterday and that’s when I was greeted with “I like you a little” when we suggested I take him to the park instead of DH, he refused to go with me and kicked up a fuss. I was so hurt and angry at the time I’m sure he picked up my feelings I’m finding it hard to be rational at time as I know he’s only 3. Later on DH took baby off me to carry as she was unsettled and DC1 threw a huge tantrum saying mummy hold baby, daddy carry me! Anytime I went near him he would scream and cry. I just don’t know what to do. He’s fine when DH not around

Aw OP! I am 4 months into this scenario - but DS1 is 2y3m, so the transition was likely easier. Both children are bf(tandem feeding).

Bath/bedtime is so rough. I empathise so much with the ‘bathing eldest with youngest screaming’ situation! I just wanted to say that you are doing amazingly well bf and that bottles won’t give you a routine or more time with DS. Bf in a sling/whilst walking around/sitting with DS and a book could be useful though. Asking DS for little things like passing a nappy, choosing a book to read baby etc can provide small sparks of connection between the 3 of you.

From 12 weeks you will probably see baby come into a more solid routine (eg 3 naps) and bring bedtime to a more normal time (we went from 2am to 12am to 10pm to 8pm by 12 weeks) which helps. But it is still a case of juggling needs, I agree. I often regret having DD but sense that it will pay off later (once i can sleep again) and the small age gap will be great IF they stay friends! Sending solidarity.

If he’s ok when DH isn’t around could your DH take baby out for a walk in the sling/pram straight after a feed? Even if it’s only half an hour it would probably help you connect a bit more.

Its so hard when they prefer one parent over the other, it makes things extra difficult especially when you’re already tired!

Aww OP I'm in a similar situation, miss my DD(3) sooo much since DS(2.5 Mo's) has come along. My baby is also very fussy and I find it so stressful and emotionally exhausting. I'm amazed you're able to have both at home and get them ready for bed on your own -- I've really struggled with that and rely so much on DH still, my anxiety is through the roof with 2.

What helps me feel better:

• Most people I know have siblings (many have more than 1!) And they likely all went through this - and I have never heard someone say "when I was 3 my sibling came along and it ruined my life/irreparably damaged my relationship with my mum"
• It's probably a good thing (though hard-learned lesson) for our toddlers to discover they aren't the centre of the universe.
• Try to find a moment each day to be solely focused on the toddler, even just 10 mins
• Talk to your toddler about what's going on in your relationship "it's hard sometimes having a little baby in the family. I love you so much and miss our time together. We're going to get through this as a family. It's ok if you feel sad, I'm here for you " etc. These types of chats help avoid all the complicated feelings building up inside both toddler and you

He's 3. You are giving what he's saying far too much credence. He will benefit in many, many ways from having a sibling but as he's three, these are currently beyond his comprehension. It will all turn out lovely, trust me and you will love being a family of four.

Oh @Cakeandflowers it’s a horrible time when feeling like this, thankfully ours passed pretty quickly. You will soon find a rhythm and things will settle, just give it a little longer until baby gets into a lovely routine and naps alone.

My youngest is 9 months and I’d say my relationship with DD1 is better than ever, even though she’s just started school. We couldn’t be happier as a family of four. Don’t give up hope!

Op 11 years ago I could have wrote your post. Though dd was 6 when ds was born.

They are 11 and 18 now. I have a great relationship with both of them.

Having ds did change dds life and I am sure that at some points (especially during the teen years) she wishes she was an only. But whose to say those changes are positive or negative.

She is a great big sister and took him out shopping and for lunch before she left for Uni.

I wouldn’t change any of it for the world. It’s really hard, but it won’t be long before it feels easier.

My DC are now 6 and 3 and they are the best of friends. They argue of course but they look out for each other and get such joy from each other. It won't be long before your baby will change e.g. eating in a high chair at meal times and less breastfeeding. I hated bedtime with 2 at that point. Now my eldest often reads the bedtime story to my youngest!

Thank you for all your reassurance but I still can’t shake this sense of regret.

@Hearthnhome @Endlesslaundry123 did you ever regret DC2 during these early months and did it go away. I just don’t know if this feeling is a phase or if it’s more than that. On a day to day basis I meet baby’s needs, but I feel the relationship is functional and I don’t think I’ve bonded with baby. I carry baby in wrap/sling and breastfeed but Im not enjoying bfeeding this time. With DC1 I longed to EBF but due to tongue tie issues combi fed as was unable to increase my supply.

whenever I have to meet DC2 needs I just wish I could be with DC1 and wish things can go back to us being a family if 3. I feel so guilty for DC2 knowing these thoughts are going through my head.

The thing is, even if you did make a mistake (which I'm not saying you did), there's nothing to be done about it. I don't mean that harshly, I just mean that you can't ever go back to what life was before so it's about finding a new way of life for you all.

I have a 3mo and a 3yo and I had some of those thoughts in the first few weeks. I'd say it's only in the last couple of weeks that I've suddenly felt like she 'fits' into our family. She's becoming more interactive and smiley, DD1 is finding her more fun, and we feel more of a unit now.

You are still very early on and it's a big change.

I have had moments of regret but yes they did go away. I have just persisted with spending lots of face to face time chatting with the new baby and his smiles are very cute so that helps.

I also ask DH to take the baby for a nap in the buggy most days so I can have special time with my eldest every day. It's not the same as it was but I am sure it will get better and the two kids will start to have a relationship blossom in the coming years which will be really special. That's all conjecture for now, but keeps me holding on to hope. I anticipate the first six months to be pretty much hell sadly, with a lot of just constantly cheering myself up and just slogging through. Especially through winter....

Sometimes I just close my eyes and visualise a nice vacation and that makes me feel better.

Some days I cry a lot and other days I'm ok. I think the hormones of breastfeeding/period not back yet but may return at some point don't help.

It's a fairly normal thing that they prefer one parent at some stages. It's so hard as the parent but I think to an extent you have you just let it wash over you, keep rescuing them of your love and eventually you'll come into a different season of life and things will change.

My eldest ended up spending a lot of time with daddy when her sibling was born, and they became exceptionally close. She would tell me that she didn't love me and only wanted daddy. She's was 3.

Now, aged 5 our relationship is more equal. She clearly loves both of us, is happy to spend time with either of us, but if she injures herself it's still him that she'll run to. And that's ok as long as she is happy, I don't need to be the most loved parent, and if you find him more of a comfort than me that's not a personal slight.

My youngest has been very clingy to me, made more so by her being very seriously ill for a few months. She mostly tells daddy that she doesn't love him, usually multiple times a day and this is been going on for months. She's also 3.

Our situation is more extreme, but having a preference at 3 is not unusual, and that age they seem to believe they can only love one person.

Eventually your two will develop a relationship with each other, with us it's been beautiful to watch. The juggle of two is hard. The guilt of two is hard. But giving them the gift of a sibling to love and be loved by is amazing.