My child is a bully

[Looloohooho]

found out that my child (9) has been bullying her “friend”
there has been tell tale signs, but I’ve put it down as general childhood friendship disagreements/issues which we have had conversations about and I felt I was addressing them.
today my daughter made a serious allegation about her “friend” that could have been devastating for her and her family. my daughter has admitted to lying to get her into trouble.
i get on well with the girls mum so we are able to communicate and have found out that my daughter has been bullying her.

ive took her phone away and she isn’t allowed out to play now.

I’ve tried talking with her, she seems to be full of excuses, she’s not taking responsibility for her actions and doesn’t seem to comprehend the seriousness of the situation. (Acting very woe me). She also hit me multiple times when I told her she was having everything taken away from her.

im absolutely devastated that my daughter has been bullying especially because I was the girl who got bullied by my friends as a child. honestly not stopped crying.

does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this? What would you like to happen if your child was bullied? How can I get her to recognise how serious this is?

She's 9. She's still learning about friendships, empathy and consequences. Be firm and consistent but don't demonise her.

Also, she's 9, what on earth was she doing with a phone? Far, far too young.

Well I wouldn’t be engaging with someone who was hitting me. If it’s safe, leave her alone in her room to have a good long think. Pen and paper to write an apology letter to her ‘friend’. When she can be civilised and have a chat about what’s gone on, that should happen. Absolutely no access to phone or computer.

My 9 year old has a phone that's not the issue.
If it were my child I'd want the full account from the other child so I know what I'm dealing with. I would be devastated too.

@Looloohooho you have my sympathies, must be difficult especially given your own experience with bullying. I am wondering if there might be someone in her life who uses bullying or bully-like tactics with her? (Another friend, parent/parental figure, a sibling) Or treats you in a bullying way? Dealing with this can be key to dealing with her behaviour I think, simply telling her right from wrong may not work so well if there is another bully in her sphere who “gets away with it”. It might be that there is another source of stress, like a situation (eg marriage breakdown, sickness in the family, financial stress) which is causing her to feel the usual rules of life don’t apply.

I agree with others who warn against taking it personally or demonising her, at 9 it’s unlikely to be malicious in any deep way, she’s just learned a way to take out her anger or to get power over someone, shaming her will only go so far in correcting the behaviour- you don’t want her to turn that cruelty inwards without figuring out what’s going on with her first.

I recommend you ask her questions about how she’s feeling without being too confrontational/emotionally charged (it’s a big thing to reduce a parent to tears, she’s probably feeling very vulnerable right now) and label how’s she’s feeling to her as well (e.g. “it seems like you feel quite sad/angry/ frightened”) and try and find out a bit more if there’s something else bothering her. Once you’ve spent a good amount of time discussing what’s going on for her, you could ask her what she thinks of how she’s treated her friend, if she thinks it’s fair, how she would feel if someone treated her like that, and maybe how she thinks she could make it up to her friend. If you can guide her too reflect rather than leaving her on her own to think about her bad behaviour, you may be able to avoid compounding any anger.

Phones can be used to bully 24 hours a day.
For example sending nasty messages via apps where the messages disappear after a while or taking unflattering pics and editing them to make them uglier then sending them to others via apps that delete the evidence.

Removing phone is a good call, as she's too young anyway.

But why has she been doing it? That's important to understand.

She should not have a phone.

She needs to earn back trust by being kind. Have a challenge of doing one kind action a day for someone else for 6 weeks.
And part of her birthday/pocket money should go on a nice present for the child she has hurt.

If this is happening at school, you need to speak to her teacher (or family support worker if there is one). It may be part of a bigger picture as far as the class is concerned, with more children involved than just your DD and her friend! or it may have been going on longer or taking more different forms than you think.

As pp have said, the key is to find out why she is doing this, and she may not be able to easily explain this. She may be using bullying as a way of exerting power that she feels she lacks elsewhere or to cover up what she is feeling e.g. if she is feeling negatively about herself she is responding by making someone else feel worse (remember she is 9 and hasn't fully developed emotionally).

Take the phone away. But ask yourself some questions. e.g. Why did you give it to her? If it wasn't you, then who and why, and why did you choose not to remove it? Were you monitoring her use of social media, and if not why not? Did she react violently to you taking the phone away because of what she knows is on there? Or is she over-reliant on it and doesn’t have other means of relaxing? Or is it a status-symbol? The answers may help you unlock what is going on - you may have already identified the problem, or part of the problem, and used giving her a phone as a potential, if inappropriate, solution.

there has been tell tale signs, but I’ve put it down as general childhood friendship disagreements/issues

You need to check her phone messages regularly.

Also you say there have been tell tale signs so why did you just brush it off as 'friendship issues' if you had an idea DD was to blame?

Could you involve the school in this? Maybe they could speak to her plus i think it's important to find out if any of this behaviour is seen at school or whether she bullies anyone else.
Keep her phone from her as she is too young for one imo and phones can be used to carry on bullying.

This particular 9 year old has shown she can't be trusted with a phone, I imagine she's in the majority tbh.

I would be taking the phone away until high school and not allowing her out to play (unsupervised I assume) until next summer. Not really as punishments, more as she's too immature to behave appropriately. And so needs time and positive relational input (from you) how to be kind and a nice friend. When your sure she has learnt these lessons, from influence and input rather than punishment, then she could have more access to independent play.

Google “restorative practice” and take a look at the resources for bullying and particularly the questions to ask,

She’s 9. Kids need help navigating relationships and 9+ is a very tricky stage. It’s great you have a communication line to the other parent.

She’s not your bully - you might need to think about therapy to look at that because this is very triggering for you. But right now your job is to help your daughter, to be her advocate as well as guide and teach her.

Right now, more than ever, she needs an adult who sees the good in her, who can look beyond whatever stupid stuff is going on and trust that she will grow out of it. Think about the wonderful adult she’s going to be, and then take her hand and lead her there.

You can be no nonsense about the bullying, and still make her feel loved and secure (and she probably needs you now more than ever).

Hell no.

As far as you know now, she isn’t ‘a bully’ (no use for labels for children that young).
I would definitely ask for an in depth talk with the teacher, she will have learnt that behavior from somewhere, it would be helpful to know where she stands in the class dynamics.

And echoing PP advising talking to her lots about her feelings, how did she feel when she made up the lie, or other events. Then maybe move on to how she would feel if the roles were reversed. It’s important she feels she still comes first for you. 9 is young to understand the consequences, especially for making up a lie, I’d doubt she’d know the potential serious ramifications.
Also maybe speak with the other mom about detailed behavior towards her child.
Punishments are necessary yes, but if she’s not fully comprehending why, it won’t be that helpful in the long run.

Sorry forgot the end of first sentence : not ‘a bully’, for now you know she’s been mean to another girl. Next step is finding out who else is involved, ex is she part of a group of girls who target her or does she do it independently etc

I’ve worked a lot with children with care, different, but yes there was a huge aspect of bullying. Emotional issues + at that age they have to have learnt it from somewhere. And it’s a really good age to be able to turn things around and for it to be completely in the past in some months, but discussion is key

The original thread is from September last year.

You keep whatever you've taken away from her until she starts to act and sound as though she is sorry and taking responsibility for it.

She cant just excuse it and be handed back her stuff.
She needs to learn that no, you dont hurt someone for pleasure.

I was bullied by 9 year old girls. The same girls were still tormenting me at 15. Left school early because of it.