2 under 2, struggling so much

[Sunshine1996]

5 months into 2 under 2 (16 months apart) and my mental health is struggling massively. DS is now 5 months and other than normal fussy/tired periods is a happy little boy. Adore my DD but she is and has been since a newborn very dramatic. Very lucky that both sleep through however I find the days chaos.
DD cannot stand her little brother which makes me feel huge guilt 😞
I have tried having special days just us two. Spend time while DS naps reading to her which she loves and doing activities. But when DS is awake she shoves him away and won’t be anywhere near him and cannot stand me being near him. She has also started having huge tantrums which result in her slapping me when not getting her own way for example wanting to get out of her pushchair when we are at the train station about to board the train, wanting a certain food but me not having it.
I love DD to bits and I’m so worried that she will never adjust to having a little brother and I’ve made her unhappy 😞 my heart breaks because I love them both so much but feel like I don’t have enough time for them both. And also feel so exhausted myself and feel like I never get to relax during the day.

I’m years on from this stage but my best words of wisdom are that it is objectively really, really hard. It’s an ultra marathon or climbing Mount Everest kind of thing. It doesn’t make it any easier but knowing that it’s absolutely not you or anything you are doing wrong it is just enormously difficult hopefully will make it less upsetting.

You are an incredible woman and you are doing this hard, hard thing. Tell yourself everyday that you are surviving and that is bloody impressive.

Ime doing stuff all together will reinforce he is going nowhere!!
Incentives to being the oldest if she understands that always works well!
1 to 1 time can at times remind her how great it is without him around!! Finding a balance is vital.

Can she help? Fetching nappies and having Important Jobs is a booster!
I have had 4 lots of very close gaps!
Letting a dc 'help 'with bath time and watching him pull the plug out on the lounge floor was testing.... 😱

Mine are 6 and 8 now and they are both wonderful together. It gets better! Just keep telling yourself it gets better.
for me things turned around when the little one was 3. So unfortunately you still have a bit of a struggle ahead of you. But it wont last forever.

I had 3 under 3. Its hard. But she will come round. I agree that getting her to help out with her DB is a good idea.
Also the slapping etc needs dealing with. Naughty step or whatever you use.
Lots of positive praise when she does help out or act kindly.
I had NO time in the day except when they napped after lunch. And then I was doing jobs. I hung onto my evenings!
Mine are now 18,17 and 15. I no longer have my evenings but I have the days back!
It's usual.to be overwhelmed abd physically exhausted. Do you go to groups? I found those a life saver. Eldest was entertained and I could sit in a daze with the baby!!!

You can and will get through this 💪🏼 I have two with a 23 month age gap and it's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done going from 1-2 children, but since my youngest started walking it got much easier.

I started playing netball one night a week when my youngest was 6 months once they were in bed and honestly it was the thing I needed. A change of scenery and chatting to adults, is there an evening club or activity you could do?

With a 3 year old (4 next month) and a 2 year old it's paying off now to see them play together and having a beautiful relationship. Remember why you chose a small age gap - the benefits should start paying off soon

@Sunshine1996 how are you getting on?

Yes, how are you? I think about you often. I babysat a friends children of a similar age whilst she went to the GP last week and it was the hardest hour of my week. You have my full respect!

I did this with a 21 month gap and it was so so hard. I was exhausted, I lost weight from how shattered I was all the time. They're still full on now a few years later but it's not an endurance test to get through the day any more. Sometimes they play together and don't need my input for ages which was unimaginable when they were tiny. They're at school and nursery in the week which is lovely for them and me. You'll look back and be impressed that you got through this and you will look in wonder at photos and actually enjoy how cute they were. It's really incredibly difficult and then in a flash your eldest will be at preschool and then reception then your youngest will be too. Carry on muddling through and accept help wherever you may find it as it's these few years that any help will make a massive difference. Get out to eg toddler groups, playgrounds, gymnastics, soft play and wildlife parks as much as you can and fill these years with keeping the dc occupied and entertained. Don't drink unless it's to have fun with friends as it makes the inevitable next morning 5am wake up too hard. Put them in a double buggy, put music or a podcast on your headphones and go for long walks to get headspace in the day. Try and find other mums with little ones to hang out with as then the dc play together and you share the tiring days with someone who gets it which makes everything a million times easier. In a few years you'll be one of those mums saying 'ah it's so tough when they're little but it's worth it'.