Bed Wetting age 9 - But Not At Her Dad's!!

[MagnificentMeg]

Daughter is going to be 9 in December, still wets the bed EVERY NIGHT at our house where she lives officially. Her Dad has her alternate weekends/half terms etc but she NEVER wets the bed at his house or her grandparent's - Which makes me insanely angry.

I know "It's not her fault" and "she can't help it" etc, etc. But if she was to wet the bed equally anywhere else I would be a lot more understanding. I have quite literally had ENOUGH of the smell and ENOUGH of the washing - which is costing us so much more money thanks to the cost of living crisis. Even buying pull ups is expensive - especially when I have a 10 month old to buy for already.

I've asked her Dad what he does differently at his, he lets her stay up until 10pm/11pm because its a weekend when he has her. I can't do because she's at school, so I put her to bed at 8:30pm which she hates. That's the only thing different and he's not willing to change because apparently I'm the one who must be the bad parent because she's only doing it at mine. He says I must be doing something wrong as a Mother - So I still have the emotional abuse from him (He was an emotional, mental and finacial abuser when I was in a relationship with him, but I left him before the new domestic abuse bill came into power in 2015, too late now to drag it all back up unfortunately)

I try my very best not to show my anger towards her, I try to shrug it off and ask her kindly to strip her bed and pop the sheets in the washing machine. She washes them herself and helps me make her bed afterwards. She's an angel in every other aspect of her life, good in school, brilliant with her baby brother, friendly goofy attitude and tries her best to stay out of trouble. I give her cuddles and tell her we'll get through it together after she wets the bed. But inside I'm raging.

I'm litterally crying whilst tryping this right now because I can't take it anymore - the hidden anger, the guilt and the unknown reason for WHY. Bottling up the anger I have towards the situation is breaking me.

Shes been referred to the local enuresis clinic, first Appt is on 13th October. Shes on Desmomelt tablets which don't work and is sleeping in pull ups which leak because she pee's so much. Her bedroom smells of urine everyday, which stinks the flat out if I leave the door open.

I guess I'm tryping this to vent my frustration and to ask if any other parents have been through this specific bed wetting situation - wetting at the main house but not anywhere else.

Thanks,
Meg

How long has she been dry at her dad's for?

Do you put her on the toilet when you are going to bed later so she has another wee?

Might be worth asking for a referral as my ds only stopped when we used an alarm at night.

@MolliciousIntent She hasn't wet the bed there for a year and a half.

@ZuliKyanLarsFoz Yeah I cut any type of drink off an hour before bedtime, then just before she gets into bed we get her to have a wee and brush her teeth. I used to tell her to get up for a wee if she needs one, but I was told to start saying "Think about being dry" as positive thinking.

What happens if you take her for a wee when you go to bed?

You say she's brilliant at school, but is there anxiety related to school?

I'm wondering whether she's ok at dads and grandparents because she's knows she doesn't have to go to school following morning.

@MagnificentMeg the that pretty much lines up with when she must have found out there was a new baby coming - could this have links to some underlying anxiety about her place in your family?

The fact that it's only at home and not anywhere else suggests this is a psychological issue not a physiological one.

@CrotchetyQuaver I used to do that and it did work, but my GP and pediatricians all told me to stop as it affects children's sleeping habbits, which in turn affects their cognitive ability during the day because their sleep cycle has been interrupted unaturally.

@SweetsAndChocolates She doesn't like exams or tests in school but there is no getting away from them. She's not been subjected to bullying yet but if she doesn't get the bed wetting under control I am scared she definitely will be bullied in High School.
She has good friends at the moment and I'm not concerned about anything within school. However - I am an anxious person and always have been, I can see a lot of myself in her in that respect - so yes she's a very anxious "people pleaser".

She stays up later at her dads so I’m willing to bet she goes for her last wee later.

wake her up and take her to the toilet at 10pm ish. I did this for my kids and they’re fine! You’re going for an intervention anyway, so why not this?

Stop making her strip her bed - that is punishment, even if you’re staying calm. I’m willing to bet she picks up on your feelings and body language.

@MolliciousIntent I get what you're saying and it would make sense if the bed wetting had just started out of the blue around the time when we told her I was pregnant - but shes never not wet the bed at ours ever since we tried to get her out of nappies at age Aprox 4 or 5 years.

She was the one asking us if we would have another baby so she could have a sibling, she cried in happiness when we told her I was pregnant and she absolutely loves her little Brother. So I'm not sure if that's the root cause, but I do understand where you're coming from so thank you for the advice

@Believeitornot I would do that again, but I've been told by multiple Doctors and Pediatricians to not do that as it causes adverse affects on her sleep cycle and cognitive abilities. I don't want her to start struggling in school if that's the case.

As for changing the sheets, that's what the enuresis clinic have stated in advice letters - that it's a positive thing to allow them to help clean up. But I get what you're saying.

Parents across the globe take their kids to the toilet later in the evening when they are going to bed themselves. If it stops the bed-wetting from happening then I would just do it. I've never seen the advice anywhere not to do this because of the impact on their cognitive function. I'd say the embarrassment from wetting the bed this frequently at this age would do more harm.

Agree you should take her to the bathroom later and ignore the comments on cognitive ability.

Is there anything odd or scary about the bathroom in your house?

It is the medical advice currently given to NOT wake them to go to toilet during the night. For those of under eneuresis clinics and following Consultant advice on the issue it's tedious to repeat ourselves when everyone else tells us to do it.
It stops the child from naturally waking when their body gives them the signal to urinate, and is counterproductive in getting them dry overnight.

OP I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My 9 year old DS is not dry overnight no matter where he sleeps so our situation is different to yours. Do you know how deeply she is sleeping elsewhere? One of our main problems is that DS sleep so deeply he doesn't even wake to the alarm.

I had this with my step daughter- she wouldn’t wet the bed at ours, but did at her mums. Same bedtimes and routines etc. She was referred the the hospital for tests and everything came back clear. When she was directly asked why she thought it was, she said her bedroom was too dark at her mums and she was scared to get up on the night. She also didn’t want to disturb her younger sister who she shared a room with. It took over 12 months for her to admit this though.

My son is on desmomelt (has to take it an hour before going to bed, and it’s the last thing in his mouth - been told he can’t brush his teeth afterwards…) and at 10 floods his pull-up most nights. I hope you get more help at the enuresis clinic - like you I’ve been told repeatedly that he must no t be lifted when asleep.

Our DD is 8 and has only just stopped wetting in the daytime so we've been under the continence nurse for some time. They advised cutting out fizzy drinks, sweeteners and blackcurrant/dark coloured drinks. This has helped greatly. We layer up the bed:
Waterproof mattress, absorbent pad (washable), sheet, waterproof sheet, absorbent pad, sheet.
We use a washable duvet and have a spare to hand.
However we DO still lift her at 10/11 ish and if she's dry when she goes to bed at that time, this may help. We were told the reason for not doing this is because then she will associate doing a wee with being sleepy. We make sure she is COMPLETELY awake - turn her light on bright, talk to her and if necessary tickle her/shake her so she wakes up enough to get out of bed and get herself to the toilet independently.
Others have had success with an alarm (we tried it but found it just went off if she sweated/turned over/drooled as soon as she fell asleep).

Thanks everyone who commented in that short space of time!!
@queenrollo - Thanks for outlining that for the first time, I thought I was starting to think I was imagining the clinical advise I have been given so many times now. But yes thats exactly what they said as well as the cocnitive abilites issue.

She sleeps VERY deeply, my dad has Sleep Apnea so could it possibly be hereditry? She's at a health BMI so not over weight and doesn't snore or breathe with pauses like my Dad does with his Sleep Apnea. However it does take her a long time to actually GET to sleep, or so she says.

@UsernamePain That was something she admitted to us a few years ago, maybe 2 or 3 years ago now. So she's now got 3 night lights in her bedroom.

@Squeezedsquash I wasn't given that much advice for the DesmoMelt tablets, so I've been giving it to her just before she brushes her teeth and gets into bed - Thanks for pointing that out, I'll start giving it to her an hour before bed!! Very helpful to know.

@drspouse Yeah we've also stopped chocolate, fizzy drinks and blackcurrant after 3pm. I say 3pm because I feel awful taking away all those things she loves to eat/drink during the day as I don't want her to feel like I'm punishing her by taking them away, and 3pm seemed like a good amount of time before bedtime. But have you stopped them all together? If so let me know and I'll try to start doing the same.

As for getting her up, I'm a little wary of getting her out of bed due to the clinical advice and plus, because she says it takes her a long time to actually get to sleep again I'm wary of waking her up fully in the middle of the night like you've described. But I do understand what you're saying, so thank you so much

Thanks again everyone.
Meg

I was advised to cut out blackcurrent totally. Was also told to up fluids which seems to be what made the difference. Sounds counterproductive but the bladder adapts to holding more.

We stopped them altogether - and the biggest culprit for us has been artificial sweeteners - both we and a friend found that even early in the day, these were an automatic bedwetting trigger at night - one Fruit Shoot for each of our respective DCs, both around lunchtime.

Check she's on the full dose of desmomelts. Our dd was put on a half dose which we hadn't realised. Once I looked into it I asked the gp to increase her dose and it worked ! Has worked for over 1 year now.
We started with a bed wetting alarm which helped her recognise when she needed to wake up to wee. But it wasn't fool proof. Once we started desmomelts (on the full dose) it completely stopped her wetting the bed.
We used to give it last thing at night but she got a build up of plaque on the back of her front teeth which thankfully the dentist sorted before it became an issue.. Now we give it 1hr before bed and teeth brushing.

What about a later bedtime? She's not getting to sleep quickly anyway.

Try an extra night a week with a late bedtime, maybe a Monday when she's still well rested after the weekend.

I could have written this post myself!! My daughter is 7 and is wet every night at my house. When she goes to her dad’s every other weekend, she’s dry.

again very similar that she’s never been fully dry and this has been a problem for most of her life. We still have the odd wet day too.

desmopressin tablets didn’t work, we also had an oral solution also didn’t work.

we are still awaiting a doctors appointment now she has been referred to paediatrics. First appointment is April.

I completely get your frustration. I know it’s not her fault and I try my best to be kind and calm, but washing the bed every day is an absolute pain. As a single mum who works and with another child too - the extra chore to make a fresh bed every day is so frustrating. And yes also the cost of the washing stuff is getting out of hand now! And the pull ups, pads for her bed, mattress protection etc etc.

I have no advice unfortunately but just wanted to let you know you are not alone!!

this post is quite old now, have you had any improvement on things? Would be great to know if you had! Gives me a bit of hope lol!