Exhausted with life

[Deesa]

Hi all, this is my first post so please be kind. I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone in person so I thought I would start here.

Basically, I feel exhausted! Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too.

I have two children (14 and 9), a partner and a full time job. I used to be a fantastic mum, taking them places after school and on a weekend, making time for homework projects, etc. I loved spending time with my kids and being a mother. Nothing beat it. My partner is my children's dad. He's not much of a hands on dad and emotionally, he's never been much support (he's quite a selfish person who thinks of nobody but himself) but he works full time too and is a good help around the house.

Anyway, these last few months have felt like a constant struggle in every way. Every day is exhausting and I'm constantly tired and dreading the next day because of how drained I feel. I work 35 hours a week, plus overtime, so that my kids have nice things and so that we can enjoy family holidays. Financially, things are fine and money is problem the only thing I don't worry about. I consider myself lucky in this respect.

I don't know if my tiredness is physical or mental. I'm at the point of feeling so exhausted in myself that I'm constantly irritable, my kids call me miserable and I get so stressed with them and everyday simple stuff, like having to make meals. I no longer enjoy being around them or doing anything with them. Parenting is a chore. I could cry when they bring in homework now because if I don't do it with them, their dad won't (he had no interest in anything they do) and they just constantly whinge about it and I'm the bad one for nagging them to do it. I don't even enjoy doing stuff for myself, not that I have much time for it. I dread bedtime as my 9 year old is so demanding, I never get a minute to sit down or watch TV or even have my own meals in peace. You can guarantee if I try for an early night, the kid's will start fighting or the oldest will wind the other one up, causing a massive meltdown. I'm convinced now they do it on purpose to upset me. Me and my partner work opposite shifts, so I'm always left to do it on my own. The thought of the night time routine ruins my whole day from the second I wake up because I know I just haven't got the energy for it.

Last month I took my kids abroad. I worked hard to make sure they had the best of the best whilst we were away and they were so ungrateful they had me in tears. Nothing was ever good enough for them. I've vowed never to take them again. I'm the one who pays for their holidays, buys them treats and nice things, gives them money to go places, plays taxi, cooked healthy meals, etc. Their dad does nothing with them and yet in their eyes, he's an absolute hero. They all comment on how grumpy and 'nagging' I am then sit and laugh at me. He's a useless dad, he does nothing and he's better thought of. I work myself into the ground for my kids, bend over backwards and I feel as though I'm looked at as a piece of shit.

My partner is oblivious to how I feel. I was sat sobbing to myself when he came in from work the other night, I was just feeling so overwhelmed . He didn't once ask what was wrong. The only thing he's bothered about is what benefits him. He's constantly pestering me for sex and thinks he's so hard done by because I just can't be bothered. I can think of nothing worse. I can barely get out of bed and get through the day, never mind have wild nights of passion. I put a duvet cover on my bed the other day, it took 2 minutes and I needed a sit down afterwards, it seemed to take everything I had. I'm like this all day, even at work. It takes me ages to get stuff done nowadays. The slightest bit exertion and I'm nackered.

I injured my back a few months ago when I slipped down the garden steps. I broke my coccyx and was in horrible pain
for about 12 weeks but I still went to work as I didn't want to let them down. At home, I got no help, just laughed at for being 'soft' and got told I was 'stringing it out'. I had no time to rest. Yet everyone had sympathy for my partner when he broke his toe. I know this is petty but it just proved that literally nobody gives a shit about how I feel. I often wonder if I dropped down dead tomorrow, would anyone even notice? I think the kids would when they finally realised they hadn't had any treats or a decent meal cooked or they couldn't get a lift anywhere. But that's probably all they would miss. I sound so self pitying I know, but I'm trying to be truthful with my feelings.

My mum watches my kids for me on a Saturday and during school holidays of I'm working. I'd be lost without her in this respect. She makes our tea once a week and I look forward to this so much because it's one less thing for me to do and it makes my life so much easier. Last week she bought me a can of coke to go with my tea and I burst into tears because she actually thought of me. It's been ages since anyone has bought me a little something. It sounds so stupid but I've never appreciated a can of pop so much in my life. It was the gesture that was appreciated more than anything else. My partner will go to the shop and come back with goodies for himself but never anything for me or the kids.

I feel like the old me is gone and I've been replaced by someone who finds life a chore, who is never happy anymore and who find just getting out of bed on a morning a massive effort.

I hope I don't come across as whining and ungrateful, I don't mean to. I'm of the mind now thst if I tell someone how I feel, they won't really care anyway. I guess I'm just wanting reassurance that I'm not doing anything wrong, that I'm not a bad person or a crap mother and that I won't feel like this forever.

Gosh this is a sad read. How old are you? Aside from your dreadful husband could your fatigue been menopausal?

You sound like a good mum with a rude, graceless and ungrateful family. In all honesty if I were you I would take myself off on holiday for 2 weeks. Just leave them to it. It will give them all a massive shock. It has to be a prolonged period as your DP might manage to make it fun for a few days but by the end of 2 weeks they'd be on their knees.

What does your mum think of your DP/kids? She must see you've lost your spark and that must be hard for her. Can you confide in her? Talking to someone in real life could really change your mood.

Gosh there's quite a lot going on here. You need to call the gp about your exhaustion. I really related to the bit about the duvet cover. I've been there especially after a sciatica attack. Your poor poor back. You could try an iron supplement maybe. This is absolutely not me suggesting you just need more energy to deal with your lazy ungrateful family. Just wanting to address all the points.

Moving on....I'm perplexed why bed time is so challenging with older children but clearly it is. They need separating at bed time and staggering. Stop tolerating the 9 year olds nonsense. If I don't get sone time off in between kids going to bed and me going to bed I go a bit batshit crazy.

Your partner is a lazy fucker though have you ever threatened to leave?

Well I would be booking a weeks leave and pissing off somewhere by myself with very little notice for your family. you sound exhausted and like you just need to be you on your own somewhere for a bit.

I'd also be booking a GP appointment for some bloods to be done.

It reading the riot act time for your partner ultimately though, isn't it?

Meant in the nicest way, sounds like you are being used as a doormat, and like they would all respect and appreciate you more, and you would be happier in yourself if you took a chunk of time for yourself. Also like it might do the children good, in a sense. After a fortnight without you doing everything for them, maybe they will have learned to do a few things for themselves, and will appreciate you. But most of all, do it for yourself, to respect and take care of yourself.

At 14 certainly, and to a lesser extent at 9, children should be able to help you out with things and not be so much of a burden!

Perhaps also get checked for any nutrient deficiencies, in case these are contributing to you feeling tired and down. Are you able to reduce your hours at work if you are needing more rest and aren't hurting for the money? Seems like a waste to work all those hours, to afford holidays you ultimately don't enjoy x

Oh Deesa, it sounds like you are having a right rough time! Ok, start with the tiredness. Have you been to the Drs for blood tests? Lots of deficiencies cause the symptoms you describe- especially changing sheets which involves a lot of upper body movement. Get your bloods checked if you can.

Children, hmm. 14 and 9 are not the kindest of ages. I know what you mean about ingratitude, kids and holidays. After this year's debacle I'm torn between sending mine to a residential maths camp or enrolling them on a 10 day jolly Tyrolean mountain walking trip next summer. Their behaviour was so massively crap I'd feel justified in either. Don't let them get to you they'll stop this in time but in the meantime organise things for you and point out to them when they are taking you for granted. Loudly. Oh and book a holiday for you, on your own.

Your DH sounds charming indeed. He is not entitled to sex, or entitled to be grumpy about not having it right now, or indeed to look wounded or hard done by. None of this is your problem.

The fact that your mum was surprised when the gift of a can of pop was so appreciated is one of those cues. Imagine you are bringing a can of pop to one of your kids along with a meal at some point in the future and they break down with gratitude. What would you think/do? I think you need to mother yourself right now in order to be able to mother your children.

The ingratitude and squabbling I have no advice for but I'm on the same boat if that's any reassurance to know you aren't alone.

Hang in there!

Hmmm, As a mum of two teenagers, I know you would like to be liked and appreciated by them but if your self worth is dependent on this, it may way you down way more than it should. If you dialed back (not stop completely!) on the things you do for them other than the absolute necessities, after the first few times of complaining and moaning and calling you all sorts of names, you'll find out that everyone will adjust to the status quo.
I stopped planning trips and activities that "they will/should like" a long time ago and stick with the ones they actually asked me for to the point where they have to try hard to win it as a reward. They appreciate this so much more that I see they work so hard to get these things. The PS5 they got was promised to them based on school grades, house chores and general decent behavior. I knew i was going to get it for them anyway but i needed them to invest in that purchase. Dont forget, a PS5 (or any such thing is not a right but a treat). You should have been there when it was delivered! they were beaming with a sense of accomplishment.
That's just my style but see if it works for you.

You're burnt out because you're getting no help from your partner. He sounds utterly useless and selfish. I'd start there if I were you.

The post -exertion exhaustion sounds very familiar to me. And the general feeling of being snowed under and struggling to enjoy much. I was just diagnosed with a vitamin b12 deficiency. It sounds mold but the symptoms ofa vitamin or mineral deficiency can be wide-ranging and severe. I second the idea of getting some blood work.

Have you tired to talk to your children a bit about how you feel? It might help them exercise their empathy. They are old enough to understand that you are a human being not just a machine. I would take a step back from worrying about them for a while and worry about yourself. They'll see you modeling self care, realise you're not totally dependent on them for your own happiness and wellbeing, and you might all start to enjoy each other more.

Best of luck!

You need time out ASAP. Could you stay at your mom for the weekend?

Stop doing overtime.

Sit down and talk to your husband. Only you know if it would be easier with or without him.

Have a bloodtest and start taking some multi vitamins. Do things for yourself, find a yoga class or something like that you look forward each week.

Speak to your mom also, open your heart she will understand.

Look after yourself Xx

Just echoing what PPs have said. I think you should find some way of taking off for 10 days or so, just going away, leaving them to it. Is there anywhere you want to go, any people you'd like to see? Do it. You're burned out and need to recharge. You also need to go to the GP to rule out any underlying reasons for your exhaustion: could you be anaemic or have thyroid issues for example? Stress how utterly challenged you are by small routine jobs like the duvet and try and get some bloods done. Re the kids, do you try to involve them in any household chores? Mine are much younger so not sure what's suitable but feels like they should be helping a bit more, and are maybe old enough to understand if you sat them down and explained a bit about how mums can become very grumpy and tense when they feel as though they are everyone's servant, and how they're old enough now to do basic tasks to help the family out.

The biggest problem by miles, as I think you know, is your DH. If you feel burned out now it's because you've almost been a single parent for 14 years. What's in this relationship for you? He sounds hopeless.

I felt this kind of exhaustion when I was anaemic. Please do get the GP to do some bloods, honestly after it was treated I felt like a different person. That kind of fatigue makes every day life seem impossible. You might find if it's something like that once it's treated you'll feel so much better.