Grandmother’s partner

[Boo122]

My MIL has recently been asking DH if the DC (toddler and new baby due any day) can start calling her partner ‘Grandad’.

I do really like him and he’s really good with our toddler, so it’s nothing personal against him, but it just feels too soon. She’s been with him a couple of years and recently moved in with him, so I appreciate it is a serious relationship, but he still feels like a very new addition to our lives from my perspective.

My husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal and won’t make much difference but I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m not entirely comfortable with it. I know that if I say no it’s probably going to cause a bit of tension, which I’d like to avoid when I’m about to have a baby, so feel on the fence as to whether just let it happen.

Has anyone else been in this situation and have any advice?

I'd go along with it. Your children won't know any different - they won't think it's "too soon". My daughter has two children and they call my partner Grandad - he isn't their grandfather but to them he is. He loves that they call him that, and they all have a very close relationship. If you decline the request, what would the children call him ?

My advice would be to let it happen. Your mother and he are living together - it's obviously not just a fling . Put your feelings aside and let him be grandad.

Mmm, I think the issue is, as you have highlighted, the brevity of their relationship. It's interesting though that your dh doesn't mind - did he not have a good relationship with his dad?

It's a personal thing. I think I would feel funny about it too but can see your quandary.

My children call my stepfather grandpa but he has been married to my DM since I was 13.

Other than that anyone in my family who are 'step' are referred to by their name.

In your case, he wouldn't be grandad.

@whiteroseredrose That’s how I would expect things to be as well and, to be honest, it never really occurred to me for him to be called grandad as he just still feels new to me. Our toddler currently refers to him by his first name.

I always called my mum’s stepdad grandad but he married my grandmother when my mum was a teenager so she very much viewed him as a stepdad, which I guess is why I see it differently.

@Chamomileteaplease he’s not close to his dad at all. He was never a big part of his life, although we do see him every couple of years. I think DH is on the fence about it as he does also feel it’s too soon, but also feels it’s not that big a deal and is aware that the children won’t have much of a relationship with his biological dad. I think he’s happy to go with whatever I choose, as he sees it from both sides.

Could you find another name that you are happy with like Pops or something so it’s a compromise .

Would something like "Grandad Dave" work?

When my mum married my stepdad, his grandchildren called her ‘nanny B (short for her name)’, could you do something like that as PP suggested?

It would bother me at all. The word just gives a clue to the relation. My kids call there grandparents and step grandparents a whole mix of names. Papa, Grandpa, Baba etc. It's more of a nod to respect for elders in my mind and the more adults around to love a baby, the better

Jaysus wouldn't their

Thank you for the input and suggestions. Maybe we’re best to just come up with a different name. We call my dad ‘grandad’ and my parents are a huge part of DC’s life (much more involved than my DH’s mum and partner) so maybe part of my hesitation is for the same name to then be used for someone I view as relatively new to our lives and I don’t yet view as a grandfather figure to DC.

Yes, that makes sense about your dad being grandad too and that affecting your thoughts.

I think it is common for as in this case the grandmother to get carried about their partner being included in the special name business.

But don't be rushed. You could keep with the first name for now but say that you will see how things pan out.

He is not their granddad, he is her partner. It's a no from me and I suggest your children call him by his name.

No. Just call him by his name. He is not their Granddad. Maybe the kids might start thinking of him like that after many years of positive and faithful input from him.