Help! DD dad driving me crazy!

[LaurenM87]

My husband and I are currently separated as we were becoming very toxic and I did not want this environment for my DD who is only 4 months.

One of the reasons we do not get along is our different approaches to parenting. While my approach is based on endless hours of reading and online courses while pregnant, his is based on giving himself an easier life.

I do all of the nightfeeds and have done since the beginning as I am breastfeeding. He suggested he comes home for the night last night and does the night to let me sleep. (DD is great at so many things but sleeping is not one of them) i thought great, some progress here he's asking to help me! So I wake up this morning at 7am check the monitor and it says she hasn't been in crib since 3am. I go into bedroom and there she is in bed with my husband quilt all over the place, huge pregnancy pillow around her. He said huge pillow is to stop her falling off the bed not understanding it is a major suffocation risk as he didn't so much as Google safe co sleeping before doing it. How do I get through to him that this is not me being pig headed? He tells my MIL that he can't do right for doing wrong and it's my way or the high way but everything I do I for the right reasons and based on research. All I expect is that my daughter is safe and looked after. If he can't so much as Google safe co sleeping how can I trust him? I sent him 2 co sleeping articles but I know he will still do these stupid things in future.

Ps he also had heating on in room it was 24 degrees and as she had been sick in the night he put a 2 5 tog on her she was roasting when I picked her up!

Help I'm at my wits end with him!!

Firstly, who cares what MIL thinks? She’s his problem now. Let him help, but tell him that it IS your way or the Highway because that is the only way it’s ever been.

I'm a first time mum of a 7 week old. Congratulations on your baby and I sympathize with the lack of sleep 😅. It sounds like your husband wants to help, but is just ill informed, through his own fault or otherwise. Being a new mum is stressful & I find myself constantly worried about SIDS & my baby's health. I'm sure moreso than my partner who just takes it as a given that our baby will be happy & healthy.

It's probably a good thing for your baby to have your and your partner's different approaches. You being considerate of her safety & wellbeing and your partner being more easy going. It creates balance but obviously, 100% it needs to be done safely. Can you approach a conversation with him from that angle so neither of you is "in the wrong" and it's more about giving your baby the best of both styles? It sounds like he needs to understand that you're just looking out for her wellbeing and it's not about him.

It goes without saying, she shouldn't cosleep with a duvet she could end up under and pillows. But I wondered, was she alone in a room in her cot to start with as I believe that's a SIDS risk too. No judgement if it's by choice.

Good luck OP. It sounds like you're both trying and need to take a step back and try to channel some of your energy together rather going head to head. Don't give ground when it comes to safety and he should be more understanding of your concerns.

He is definitely more laid back in general than me and that did work in our marriage before we had DD. I was the worrier who made sure things were paid and organised well in advance and he calmed me down when I would sweat the small stuff. Now we just can't see eye to eye. I'm trying to see from his point of view but when I know he is just wrong I can't hold back especially where her safety in concerned.

My DD sleeps in a crib next to my bed so I don't know why he didn't just rock her back to sleep like I do. I suspect he couldn't cope with being woke up so regularly. Annoying as it's only one night when I've been doing it for 4 months!

I'm sorry you sound so stressed OP but I am absolutely sure that the lack of sleep is making you quite intolerant and it does sound a bit like he can't do right for doing wrong.

It is very easy to move into martyr-mode when ebf but that is not healthy. You need him to pitch in and as a new parent , will definitely make mistakes. I am sure you will too.

I really don't agree with all the bloody baby books. Every mother I have ever known who parents by 'the book' ends up either massively over anxious when their dc don't achieve the milestones on the dot, or rowing with everyone around them because the 'book' doesn't say so...

It sounds like you need to meet in the middle a bit.

He shouldn't have attempted co-sleeping when he didn't know how to do it safely, but hours of reading and online courses is massive overkill too. You know most people manage to successfully parent without that level of research, there is something to be said for instinct and trial and error, getting to know your baby and what works etc. There are very few things that are black and white, right and wrong, most of parenting is just opinion and preference.