Help with stressed reaction to challenging parenting moments

[Pufferpuffin]

I feel I need some help with my experience of parenting but don’t know where to get it – do I need to see the doctor, a therapist?

I feel so worn down by the demands of my children, especially the eldest who has been a challenge since toddlerhood. We’re going to seek some specific help with/for him as as he gets older he is not getting easier which is what we had hoped...but I feel I need some help for how I not react to the children and their misbehaviour or squabbling.

Between the ages of about 4.5-6.5 my son would have huge screaming fits and meltdowns that would last around an hour. They were very distressing as he would bite himself, pull his hair, hit his own face. We got him help with play therapy but at home I felt like I was treading on eggshells. His behaviour can be quite poor sometimes and he has the ability to ruin a day out just depending on his mood, very challenging and difficult about things. During his times of having meltdowns I noticed my physical reaction deteriorating (if that is the right word?) – in the first few months I could keep calm and quite cheerful and go out for a quick walk to decompress and all was fine. As time went on my heart would beat very fast, I felt stress all over my body and just nervous and anxious.

I haven’t been able to get rid of this physical reaction to moments of stress now and they are quite often because of the children’s behaviour/squabbling...sometimes it’s just normal sibling squabbling and fighting but I immediately enter into this panicked, fast heart beat stage...on the verge of tears, snappy and short tempered. I don’t quite know how to describe it but it’s physical and takes me a while to get out of this stage/recover. Sometimes through crying or having a sleep even. For example the other day my son threw a huge shitfit before school because he thought the biscuits in his lunchbox weren’t big enough [I couldn’t change them because no other biscuits in the house], it went on and on 45 mins+, he was in a rage all the way to school, combined with him being foul to his younger sister...I was breathing very fast, panicked heart beat, tears, shaking.

...basically I feel I can’t go on like this, being triggered into this panicky stage just because the children are being pains or squabbling. I feel the joy and humour of parenting has been sucked out of my life even though I adore my children and would do anything for them. I’m so exhausted by them I’m now finding it hard to respond to their moments of wailing and upset, especially with my youngest who is a sweetheart but a real emotional screamer if she gets slightly hurt or something goes wrong...I just feel like screaming shut up! [I do try and comfort her of course but I’m wishing inside she would just stop]

I should add we’ve had major upheaval in recent months – moving countries which has no doubt added to the stress. But my eldest’s behaviour issues are not to do with this, he has been difficult since toddlerhood.

Where can I go to look for help? My children are still young and I’ve got many more years of challenging parenting ahead. I haven’t been to the doctors for around 4 yrs and can’t quite imagine what I would say to a GP – can they even offer help for something like this? I feel slightly ridiculous when people are suffering from really serious issues.

has anyone experienced similar? What helped?

Where can I go to look for help?

To quantify my answer

• I have 4 children, I understand the stresses of parenthood
• I used to be a teacher, I understand the complexity of lots of different types of families
• I am now a school safeguarding officer, I understand the types of help currently avaliable to familiesin crisis

So

Where can I go to look for help?

(1) Go to your GP. You are showing signs if anxiety - say that. Medication (plus talking therapy) will help you

(2) Contact your school and ask directly for Early Help Family Services. Say those things- "early help" and "family services". These are support services offered by local authorities. The school should be able to refer you, it's something that could be done immediately. So if they stall chase them daily.

Someone told me and it’s simple but helped enormously to remember that you are the adult/parent and are responsible for regulating your own emotions. In fact sometimes that is the only thing you can do. It’s ok to say that you are going to take a minute to think and calm your breathing etc. You can only draw boundaries this way and it helps the child feel safe and understand that there are boundaries and you will remain in control (of your emotions) if that makes sense. It’s incredibly liberating to realise that you can do it! It’s challenging but you can do it.just feeling that way can make all the difference

I feel exactly the same as you do OP.

My son is autistic. He has been hard work ever since he was a baby. He literally cried all day every day as a baby. He is 9YO now and is like a sulky teenager. I am dreading his teens. He moans and complains about everything and anything. I do my best to predict his meltdowns but like you said, it is like walking on eggshells all of the time. I've got to the stage where I don't leave the house with both DS on my own because I just cannot face the constant complaining. We had to do homework this afternoon and it just ended in an absolute meltdown/complete avoidance from him and I was just so angry at him. I didn't shout, I didn't react. But in my mind I wanted to explode.

My advice? Speak to school and your GP about getting DC assessed for Autism/ADHD. Accept that whatever your child has, you probably have it to some degree too and that is why it feels hard for you to cope. Try and find other parents to talk to who are in a similar boat. Even if it is just to vent.

That sounds very understandable OP and exhausting.

I would ask for double GP appointment, one to discuss your son and one to discuss you. Have to considered if your son has ASD? You may benefit from ant depressants, counselling and maybe CBT to help and deal with the panic attacks.

Thanks for all this advice. It hasn’t helped that my husband has been away working a lot so day in day out it’s all been on me handling my eldest’s moods and outbursts. I think I will book an appointment at the GP and see that they say. It’s a little strange for me as everyone I know seems to sail through parenting but then their kids seem easy going and happy with their lot in life so it must make a huge difference…

@Animalcrossyroad I know exactly what you mean about outings. It’s hard to describe but my eldest can ruin an anticipated day out if stuff doesn’t live up to his expectations/imagination of what it will be like and I’m not talking like I’m dragging him round an art gallery - our lives revolve around the children and their needs and planning nice days out. Frustrating!