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Parenting

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Original poster

why do people advise to leave a baby to cry it out?

22 replies

prettylovebird · 23/01/2008 21:54

im getting a bit fed up of being told i am spoil my dd, by picking her up when she cries!

why do people say this?is it because they feel bad/guilty as thats what they did?

grrrr

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calzone · 23/01/2008 21:56

Because if a baby is fed, clean and winded then it doesnt need picking up necessarily.

People are saying it because if you keep picking her up straight away as soon as she cries, it will form a pattern for her and you will never be able to put her down!!

calzone · 23/01/2008 21:57

and she will learn to settle herself without being picked up.

soph28 · 23/01/2008 22:02

and because sometimes picking a baby up does not stop her crying, in fact sometimes it can just make them worse.

However, sometimes a baby does want a cuddle and reassurance and that's fine but sometimes despite the best intentions it just doesn't help.

also, if you don't mind her depending on you to pick her up everytime she cries, then that's fine. I don't think that people think you shouldn't pick her up when she cries but as Calzone said you don't need to pick her up EVERY time because she might not need it.

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Original poster

prettylovebird · 23/01/2008 22:06

well dd is 7months and hardly ever cries, and happy plays on her playmat, goes in her bouncer etc but also like a cuddle.when i pick her up she stops crying.

but ive just been told, know wonder shes so happy, as you pander to her every whim!
maybe it was a compliment but alot of people especially older ones say a good old cry does em good !

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JingleyJen · 23/01/2008 22:06

I think this is very difficult - it can be taken to extremes - there is NOTHING wrong with cuddling your baby or spending quality time with your baby I don't believe it should be a case of pick up - feed - put down to sleep.
During awake times IMO you should be interacting with the little one sitting chatting with babe in your arms etc.

However getting babe to go to sleep can be different if you are rocking / cuddling babe to sleep every time babe goes to sleep you may get to the point where they won't sleep unless you are cuddling them - for some people that isn't an issue - for others it is.

At the end of the day it is your choice.

Original poster

prettylovebird · 23/01/2008 22:20

im always interacting with dd and she is often on my lap, reading, playing, singing, dancing, she is a very happy baby.

just annoying to b told im pandering to her every whim, as if im spoiling her.
babies are there be loved imo

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BITCAT · 23/01/2008 22:22

They are right in a way, it'ds the same as not running to a child straight away when they hurt themselves basically stops them crying for nothing. But on the other hand it's your child, do not let anyone tell you how to care for her go with your instincts

ItsNeverTooEarlyForPopcorn · 23/01/2008 22:23

If you have the time to go to your dd when she cries, then I would do it. It's not always possible when you have more than one.

JingleyJen · 23/01/2008 22:24

I don't think that what you have described is anything other than loving parenting!

fishie · 23/01/2008 22:26

some babies cry more than others. mine cried a lot when small and i always picked him up. rather odd not to, cannot see the benefit of distressing an infant.

it is a way of instigating control. over oneself as a new parent as much as a crying baby who might be 'trying it on'.

Original poster

prettylovebird · 23/01/2008 22:26

imagine if i said to the perosn that said this to me, people that leave there babies to cry, when all they want is a cuddle are neglectful and damaging there children.

now that would piss them off, but seems ok to say it the other way around.

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grendel · 23/01/2008 22:28

When DD was a couple of weeks old and I was being worn to a frazzle, my Mum said helpfully: "You don't have to pick her up every time she cries you know."

And I replied firmly "Oh but I do."

I was physically incapable of leaving her to cry.

I'm bemused by the idea that picking up a crying baby is somehow spoiling it.

(Of course this did mean that I ended up still having to rock her to sleep when she was 15 months old, but we'll draw a veil over that.)

Original poster

prettylovebird · 23/01/2008 22:29

fishie i totally agree with you. when people talk about babies saying stuff like, she'd have me wrapped around her little finger if she let me, i show her whos boss, about a baby fgs!

and people that actually believe babies are manipulators wtf!

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moopymoo · 23/01/2008 22:30

if you can and want to - pick them up and cuddle them any time you can. coz soon they will be huge and smelly and grunting at you but will still give you a hug even when they are taller than you. really, this happens about 5 minutes from now. enjoy your baby.

pendulum · 24/01/2008 13:21

There are in fact lots of threads on here that do imply/ state that leaving them to cry is damaging of neglectful.

Both my DDs seemed to need to cry for a while before going to sleep. Picking them up made them worse. And IMO if you have an elder child there is no quicker way to foster sibling jealousy than to abandon what you're doing with them and pick up the baby whenever it opens its mouth.

It's a highly personal thing, just do what you feel and let the comments wash over you.

Countingthegreyhairs · 24/01/2008 16:08

You do what suits you and your family. I sort of opted for a balance:

When dd was under 18mths and cried I tried to get to her side in under 30 seconds so she got the message that I was around and she wasn't being ignored. I picked her up and she knew I was there and she settled quickly.

If she started crying again though I wouldn't necessarily pick her up because she often cried out of tiredness and stimulating her further (imo) would have been pointless. In that instance, I just talked to her a bit and stroked her hair. Then I left and came back in 5 mins then did the same. Then I left her to settle herself and yes, sometimes she was crying. But that's because I felt she needed sleep more than further "handling" if that makes sense. If I felt she was genuinely distressed then of course I would have picked her up. It's your judgement call and it does very much depend on the individual child.

Tapster · 24/01/2008 18:12

Evidence is that the more you pick up a baby when it cries under 6 months old the less it will cry in the following 6 months. SIL followed my MILs advice and let her baby cry often, nephew screamed and still does now alot - so much so his childminder refused ot have him after a month. My DD hardly ever cried after 6 months and I always went to her. They are crying for a reason under a year IMO - they are too young to control their imotions.

stripeytiger · 24/01/2008 18:24

Agree with others Prettylovebird that if you have the time to pick up your dd and that suits you, then thats great. If you do what feels instinctive, don't think you will go far wrong.

Just for the record, there are plenty of people who critisise the other way round, i.e say it is damaging and neglectful to leave a baby to cry, and that is equally annoying and hurtful.

Each to their own.

Pruners · 24/01/2008 18:34

Message withdrawn

crokky · 24/01/2008 18:46

I have always picked up my DS when he cried. This probably meant that for the first 10 months of his life, he lived on me. That's fine, he is my baby and I am supposed to look after him. Plenty of people don't approve of this, but he is MY baby and if I want to comfort him I will!! I think the most important thing for such a young child is to know that his mummy will help him. I remember when I was a child, if I had a problem, however complex, my mum would help me sort it out and it would no longer be a problem. This has not stopped me from leading an independent life - going to uni, then spending nearly 10 years living 150 miles from home town etc.

peacelily · 24/01/2008 18:46

Some people have this skewed idea about babies needing to be trained like dogs and being controlling and manipulative! If your instincts tell you to pick her up do it!

babies develop trust and a snese of security in their 1st year of life which helps regulate the stress hormone cortisol. In babies who've been left to cry for extended periods they often seem calm but underneath the surface they have significantly raised cortisol levels and are in fact anxious.

It's v individul for each baby tho and sometimes they may be crying due to over stimulation and picking up rocking etc and further stimulate them. In this instance you can stroke them and reassure them of your presence with soothing touch. After the age of 1 it's safe to start employing more behavioural strategies such as leaving them for a little while if they're whinging and you can differentiate between the cries.

Before the age of 11 m I firmly believe my dd never ever cried for anything other than a genuine need ie teething, tummy pain, over tiredness, or hunger. Now if she whinges if she's not getting her own way so I ignore her!

crokky · 24/01/2008 18:47

I would reply:

"This is the parenting method I have chosen and I fully appreciate it is not for everyone"

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