Respectful/gentle/concious parenting advice wanted for 3.5 yo behaviour

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My son has a real issue stopping when i ask him to. So i know he has a lack of impulse control at this age but for example he has just started getting quite physical with me and his peers. He will grab me and drag me if he wants me to continue playing and he laughs like its fun for both of us, but when i talk to him about it he just gets upset/annoyed and tells me to stop talking (because im saying something he doesnt want to hear i assume).

Even out in the playground or play centre he gets quite pushy with other children and he just doesnt seem to ever get that it hurts and just does it again. I will stop him in the moment, explain why he can't get too rough with others but then he carries on as soon as he runs off.

Any advice?

Just don't go with him stop walking and tell him he is being to rough or whatever it is.it's fine If he gets annoyed he can't be pushing you around you don't have to go into long winded chats about it . Also when he does it to others take him away and get him to sit by you while you say you can't push/pull your friends . Ime saying little gets the message across better than explanation.

You might be into gentle parenting but I'm not sure your child is into gentle childing!

At home, you get up and move away with a firm "I can't allow you to hurt me".When I'm out I'd do expectations at the gate/door and then if they break those expectations you pick them up and leave. I do three strikes and we're out. I once walked out of a stay & play after 15 minutes. Its not fair to other kids that are playing well together. You're also not doing him any favours by setting him up as the child everyone avoids at soft play/playgroup etc.

My grandson was just like this and my DD was very concerned. He was 4 a while ago and we had a conversation about realising that it had mostly stopped. I believe it’s a developmental stage.

I don't think gentle parenting does children any favours at all. My children are grown up now but they were not allowed to get away with poor behaviour when they were young.
You need a very cross voice, very stern face and the word 'no.' (And my children are not traumatized!)
Today's parents seem to be afraid of upsetting their children, but sometimes it's needed.
Also, reminders of what sort of behaviour is expected , before you go out. As someone else has said, any naughtiness when outside or at a playgroup or soft play, and he goes straight home. Remind him when you get home, why he had to leave.

We do a lot of "remember when X kept pushing you the other day and didn't stop when you asked? How did you feel?" Then "This feels the same to them".

Repeatedly. They need a concrete example so they can remember feeling the same way as their current victim. Otherwise you're just saying words at them with no real import, and they don't sink in.

Janet Lansbury has loads of good stuff about respectful parenting on her website.

But when it comes to hurting others, I would have no qualms in just telling him we are going home and following through on it. 3.5 is old enough to understand not to hurt or push other children, impulse control or not, so I would just take him straight home.

I doubt you'll have to do it often before he gets it - we had an instance of running off last week with my 3.5yo, so when I caught up to her we just turned around and went straight home, no playpark, no ducks. This week when we went to the same place, she was impeccably behaved!

In your first sentence you used the phrase "when I ask him to" - it shouldn't be an ask, it should be telling. I understand you are doing gentle/conscious parenting but at a young age there is no point in having this approach in certain situations as the child is too young to process it and while it does feel nicer for the parent, it doesn't establish boundaries/desirable behaviour patterns. You have to have the expectation in place of how you want your child to broadly behave & in certain situations where their behaviour is getting or has become undesirable, they simply have to be told it isn't acceptable and removed from the situation if it continues. You have to assume an authoritative role in these situations, rather than a negotiator one. If this is done within the wider setting of an upbringing where how people feel, behave, etc is discussed then it should only be necessary occasionally.

I was gob-smacked when I heard a young pre-schooler relative say "Stop talking" to her grandmother & I think if my DC had said it to me I would have felt hurt!
Of course, what works for one child/family might not for another & maybe it could just be a short-lived phase.

Honestly I have never met a parent who used “gentle parenting” in an effective manner or a child it worked on. I actually cringe now when I hear it as I can almost guarantee the child of the parent who uses this method is the child who is out hitting or being horrible to the other kids (seen it over and over so unfortunately it’s a conclusion I came to). Put some boundaries in place. I.e if you hurt mummy I can’t play with you. If you push x or y you have to go home as it’s not nice. Follow through with warnings. Don’t over complicate the message keep it short and simple. Ie we don’t push it’s not nice etc. You little one will soon get the message. If they are at nursery speak it the nursery to get them to reiterate the message.

I am not quite sure about what the difference would be between ‘parenting’ and ‘respectful parenting’ in this case.

If you are being pulled, stand still: Ow! You are hurting mummy. I know you want me to play with you. You need to use your voice not your hands’

iIf he is hurting others, fetch him. ‘You are hurting x. You need to wait with me for a few seconds, then you can go back to playing using your voice not your hands. If you use your hands again, we will leave.’

For change of activity, warning is useful: ‘We need to leave soon. I know you would like to stay longer but we need to go hone for tea. There is time for you to do y for the last time, and then we will go.’ When the time cones, you leave with as little fuss as possible, and no negotiation. Acknowledge their feelings, and give warning, but make your expectations clear and don’t negotiate.

If he is being rough with children in the park I would give him one warning and if he carries on then take him home.

This all sounds like gentle parenting though? Firm boundaries without shouting, shaming or smacking.

You make the rules and this will provide him with confidence and safety. If he hurts someone at the playground you go, as simple as that. I honestly dislike to see little terrors in the playground and the parents not doing anything about it.