Not quite sure where to post!!! Feeling like a bad mum!!

[unhappy]

I have been having a tough time for the last 3 years with my relationship with DP. I try very hard to not to take it out on ds and dd but dont always manage it. Alcohol has been a bit of a problem too in the last 2 years - not quite a quivvering alco but relying on a wine to get me through the tough times. I have recentlty had another emotional shocker with my dp (see Other woman pregnant thread) I so want to get it together for my kids sake but my relationship with my 10 year old ds getting better but my relatioship with my 4 year old dd getting worse.Not sure how to go forward I look at myself in the mirror and dont recognise what I see both physically and emotionally. When my dp and I had a "NORMAL" relationship I was such a good mum now I am burying everything away I am so crap I want help but dont know where to turn. Sorry this is such a rant but really need to get it out

I am sorry that I you are feeling so down at the moment.

What is the problem with your DD? 4yo is a difficult age, isn't it.

About the alcohol, there is a really good thread on here, perhaps some of the posters on there could help you cope better.

Hope things improve for you soon.

She does not accept being told off very well and it ends up with my telling her to go to bed and her crying herself to sleep - she is very head strong but I always end up feeling like such a bad mum so want to stay calm but I am losing it all the time. I know my life is stressful but I just so hate myself for being so tough on her - I even swore at her the other day which is something I would never have done

Thanks for the thread re the wine - think I will have a good read of that one - I know that its part of the reason I am feeling so snappy with the kids and I know it really is not helping my situation but at the moment I am finding it very difficult to resist - god why does life have to be so hard!!!

You are not a bad mum, God, my (almost) 4yo is hard work and I know that my DD was much worse at that age. She is also a headstrong one. We all have phases of feeling like we cannot cope.

Do have a look at the recovering alchoholics thread, particularly the postings of BrassicMonkey. I am sure she wont mind me directing you there, I have been following her story these past months since she decided she had to stop drinking. It is truly inspiring how she (and the others on that thread) are fighting their demons.

Sorry you are going through such a tough time.

How does your 4 yr old react to being told off?

Would you like help with staying calm and not telling her off in the first place? Or is your reaction to the way she reacts? Or both?

Thanks Kinder.

Othersideothechannel. I suppose I would like help with both - she normally shouts at me that she is not being rude etc etc and when I raise my voice she just disintergates into either tears or starts shouting and throwing stuff around -hard work !!!

I think it is pretty normal at this age to react like this. Even when DS (he's 4 as well) is deliberately pushing it when I raise my voice he cries. It's hard not to feel guilty, even when I feel that shouting was justified.

I can see him struggle to control his emotions when he is cross but sometimes he can't (again normal for his age) and he will either push his sister if she is the cause of his rage or throw his toys.

It is hard work to stay calm when they are like this, isn't it?

How do you feel when your DD gets like this? How do you react?

(BTW I've no experience of the other problems you're experiencing which is why I am focusing on this. I hope you're finding support on the other threads.)

There are lots of ideas in other threads about staying calm when their behaviour is making you cross - leaving the room, counting to 10, asking yourself will this really matter in 10 yrs time? etc

All so much harder in times of stress.

I am a way better mum at the weekends than on the days when we all have to get out of the house to work/school. And that is such minor stress compared to what you are experiencing I feel ridiculous mentioning it.

Thanks for your posts Othersideofthechannel I often react quite badly when she behaves like this - I know its a vicious circle my behaviour affecting hers etc etc. Sometimes I can be quite calm I did start using a meditation machine last year which helped I just dont what to do with myself anyone its gotten to the point where I cant see a way out of how I am feeling and my kids have gotten so used to me a miserable/snappy mum I just wish I had another life - sorry I am feeling so sorry for myself right now - thank you for posting its really kind

Should have said anymore not anyone!!

I wish I could help more. My suggestions seem a bit pathetic when I read them back - being a positive parent when you are feeling so negative.

I just wanted to make the point that you shouldn't be feeling like a bad mum on top of everything else. Plenty of mums find 4 yr olds hard when the rest of their life is happy.

Wish I could help more...but must get back to work! Hopefully someone who has come out of the other side of a dark patch like this will be along later.

Did you happen to read some of the recent thread by Redmist? There were some fab tips on there about coping in stressful situations, how to deal with stroppy children when you are not feeling up to it.

I had a while there that I felt I was getting out of control, always shouting at the DCs and snapping at them. I ended up having a huge argument with DH.

I am trying to retrain myself to react differently to them when I feel myself getting to exploding point.

The problem is, as you say, that it is a viscous circle. The more I shout, the worse they behave. You have to break the circle by walking away or doing something unexpected. One poster suggested doing starjumps distracts your DC and releases some of your pent up energy.